Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[MrBond]

No because that was his issue BEFORE the bomb. Now he just wants to get away because he's been hurt so much that he's trying to escape from the pain.

So that's why IMHO your best bet is to interact with him when you're with the kids as much as possible and show him glimpses of the you that he fell in love with. Let him start MISSING you.

In your case, NC is impossible because of the kids. I would stay dim.

[Mrs D]

Gotcha. Just seems like I'm then doing the same thing, so why should he care type of thing..... I'll continue reading...

[Mrs D]

My son and I had to scoop ice cream at our local county fair this affernoon for boy scouts. Then we took in the rodeo for abit. Even as we were having a good time, i couldn't help but feel something was missing. As I looked around all families were having such a good time being families. I miss having my third and fourth persons there. As much as I love being with my son, two people that are or had been a very huge part of my life are not there. So my son and I came home. I just hate this.

[Carnac]

MrsD:
I feel you. I wrote an incredibly long post on my thread last night about a similar situation...unfortuately my laptop rebooted before I posted it and I haven't felt like rewriting it yet. The gist of it was that after my S11's football scrimmage last night lots of families all gathering around collecting their kids etc and my W just stands at the top of the stand waiting on S11 b/c she wouldnt come down where we were. So after he says his goodbyes to me he goes up to where she's waiting and they leave. So then I was left standing around talking to a couple of the dads for a bit, but eventually families started kind of grouping up getting ready to leave....still talking but for some reason I just noticed everyone was kind of in family groups so I decided it might be time for me to head out.

Be strong....we'll make it through this thing somehow....it won't be easy and may take a long time, but we'll make it. Im going as dark as I possibly can right now...obviously I can't be completely dark b/c we have a son together, but outside of business im gonna be really dark for a bit and see if it helps. I also saw something the other day that gave me a lot of hope it was a quote that said...."if God brought you to it, then he'll bring you through it." Enjoy Friday and try to smile.

[labug]

Where is your D? I guess I missed that part of the story somewhere.

Yes, those times do su*k but the pain lessens as time goes on.

[Mrs D]

Carnac: - awesome quote - I am going to have to write it down and put it across my monitor to remind me daily.

It appears our nights were about the same regarding families...

You know in all honesty, I wish my H would be doing more stuff with our son so that maybe he could feel this sort of thing as well you know? I mean, when our son is with H, they dont do much together from what I understand. I think my son plays with the next door girl, or plays Xbox most of the time that he is there. Which hurts me even more for him. I guess H did take him to cruise night last weekend, but he was with one of his friends, and of course the next door little girl. So maybe it didnt effect him as it does I? IDK.

I didnt hand the phone over to my son last night to call his Dad, nor did he ask to call. H never called him as well to wish him goodnight. Although I think he had a union meeting, he still could have took 2 minutes out of his night to call him. I dont get the person he is right now. Our son was ALWAYS #1. Since hes found this new life - he isnt. I just dont get it.

[Mrs D]

Hey Labug - I dont think I ever wrote it. She is with her Dad. She is from a previous marriage that ended because he was deep into drugs. I left him because I couldnt deal with the drug use, and wanted a better life for my D. She was only one when I left him. Since then, he has cleaned himself up. She got into alot of trouble last year while she attended school here. Her thought process was to run away instead of facing her problems. (She gets it from me. Im hoping she will be able to join me one day in counceling as well.) So, shes with her Dad.

[Carnac]

MrsD thats a real shame that your H is making something other than his son #1. Its a real battle I have right now as far as fighting for my marriage goes. I posted a little about it on my thread but the gist of it is that if she really wants a D she knows if she offers me custody that i'll probably sign off on it and let her walk. I dont think its because I choose my S11 over her, but more because if I dont im afraid I could end up with only the standard every other weekend visitation and I have zero interest in being a part time dad.

Its interesting you mention it b/c I dont think my son talks to my wife about his sitch.....he talks to me about it maybe once a week and has questions or other feelings he needs to get out, but when he's home with her he's usually on the playstation, or according to him she's always texting or on the phone so I dont think she ever sits down and actually spends time with him. They are there together, but much like she and I did in our marriage being present doesn't really mean anything if your in two differnt worlds. I think if she would take the time to sit down and talk with him she'd see how badly he's hurting and might have to slow down a second and think about the long term affects on him of what she's doing.

But thats what a WAW does right...rationalize....rationalize that the kids will get better...rationalize that its ok to have and EA or PA b/c in their mind the marriage is over...rewrite history so that there were never any happy times in the marriage...its a sickness but all you can do is improve yourself and give them time and space and hope they come out of it....lots do, some never do.

[Mrs D]

Carnac - do you think shed sign off custody to you? That was one of the things in our divorce - it was going to be 50/50 split custody. H would always say he didnt want to be a part time Dad, but if we were to divorce, this is how he wanted it. My friends think it was more that he didnt have to pay child support now that he doesnt seem to take much interest in our son - and it could be, but that isnt the man I married. Although - he isnt the man I married right now anyway regarding his son.

There were a couple days last week our son didnt want to go to Hs house. Course when I brought it up to H, he thought I was putting something in his head. Im not that kind of person. Im not going to intentionally say things to hurt my son to make me look better. I have more respect for my son and the situation than that.

I was the WAW at one point. When I had the EA and the one night PA, never was thought in my mind think the marriage was over. I was always asking to stop the divorce. I didnt want the divorce. But I continued with the EA because in my mind he was just a friend. I was selfish, and didnt take my Hs feelings into consideration. I honestly think my H was over the one night PA. It was the EA that ruined my marriage in the end.

[Carnac]

I dont know if she would sign off or not given the circumstances. I guess the answer is no, there's no way in normal circumstances she would sign off on custody, but since I can drag this out 18 months if I choose, and depending on how badly she wants to be divorced and divorced now she might be more interested in signing off on full custody for me with visitation for her, or joint custody.

Really my only reason for doing this/concern in all of this is her moving off with my son. My wife is a runner, and her parents live a couple hundred miles away....she always runs there when there's a problem and even though she keeps telling me to trust her and that she's never going to take him away from me, she also told me more times than I can count that she would never leave me again either. Obviously she's broken that promise, so there's no way im willing to "trust" her on any other, she's gonna have to put it in writing. The only way I would even consider not fighting her for custody would be if she would agree to joint and allow it to be written in that if either of us moved from the town we currently live in, the other would assume full custody.

Again I dont think she'll go for any of that, but I also don't think im being unreasonable in asking, and because of that we're gonna end up in court fighting this out b/c I refuse to take anything less.....of course all of that is assuming she doesn't change her mind again between now and then and decide to work with me to fix things.