I think I might be getting to the point where I would switch to the Starsky way very soon because I'm not sure how much more "plan A" I have in me at this point.
"The Starsky way" -- lol!!! That gave me a chuckle this morning. Actually, it's not my way -- a "tough love" stance is either fully, or part of, most infidelity authors' plan. Whether it's MWD's "After the Last Resort Technique," Harley's "Plan B" or Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough," most of the things that I recommend to some people aren't really unique. However, if I had to summarize my own personal approach, it would be this (which I copied and pasted here from my personal archives):
Throughout all of these "tough stances," I maintained a "loving detachment" towards my wayward wife. Oh, we had our moments -- three or four real blow-ups -- but for the most part, we managed to keep things civil. I laid out some boundaries (no family finances used to enable your affair, no TMing or phoning OM from inside our home, no TMing or phoning OM in front of our sons, from ANYWHERE, if you're going to come home after 1am, don't bother coming home, etc.), and I must say, she respected them almost completely.
The "loving" part of "loving detachment" comes easier for you, trust me, when you maintain full intel ("snooping") and you hear and see the things that I heard and saw. But I did try to "shine a light back towards the marriage, even as I never wavered from my Main Boundary ("I will not live in an open marriage") and my sub-boundaries mentioned above. I would do occasional loving Acts of Service for my wife, such as pulling her car in the garage late at nite, or covering her with a blanket when she fell asleep on the couch, kissing her on the forehead, etc.
I believe that this "hybrid" approach -- aggressive confrontation & exposure, firm boundaries, cut off all financial enabling, strong legal stance; coupled with DBing principles such as GAL, "be the better option," 180s, etc. -- is what works best when there is active infidelity involved.
Reasonable people may disagree, but this is what worked for me, and this is also what I have seen work in my time on these boards, as well as my study of literally thousands of affairs.
