One of the main issues in our M was that my H felt unapprecaited and abandoned. We also fought a lot and I had a short fuse. His needs were NOT met by me . . .
KG,
Again, I apologize but I don't know your sitch other than your recent posts here on this thread. DO YOU genuinely believe these were VALID prior (pre-husband's-affair) marital complaints? WERE you unappreciative, abandoning and uncaring toward meeting your husband's emotional needs? Did he ever (even often) express these things to you BEFORE he had hia affair?
Or are these just the classic "re-writing of marital history" that goes on in nearly all affairs? Big, BIG difference, and I'm just trying to better understand your sitch.
Starsky
I believe my H's complaints are valid in the way I describe them. (One thing I've done right since he left is A LOT of introspective, honest work to see where I failed). Yet, he is telling anyone that I abused him emotionally for 13 years of marriage and he left to save our children from my abuse, so yes, there has also been some re-writing going on.
I will try to give some context to my sitch...
As soon as H left, I started working on myself. After a few months I saw improvements - he started confiding in me, sharing and we even went out on three dates. I had no boundaries in place at the time - he came and went as he wished, saw the kids and socialized with us when he wanted, etc.
I found out about OW about a month into our S, but didn't confront until it all became too much for me - about 7 months into our S. After that, I was very inconsistent - either trying to set boundaries and going dim or trying to be friendly and compete with OW.
Right after the birth of our son a year ago, I realized he had just been cake-eating when he told me he was going public with his R with OW. I immediately stopped pursuing and set boundaries - most of the time I did not initiate contact and we stopped doing things as a family. But we argued a lot due to my lack of detachment. He distanced himself again and started introducing OW to friends and relatives and asked his family not to invite me to functions anymore.
Yet, in the last six months or so, he has done a 180 on me. He wants to be friends and makes an effort to improve our communication, but always being clear that OW is here to stay. He wants me to accept her and her involvement in our children's lives (to which I have always been absolutely against until we are divorced - and that has been the source of all our arguments in the last year.
It doesn't help that from what I have learned (and I snooped A LOT at the beginning), OW is actually a nice person and my H always told her we were done and he would never come back since I was abusive to him. He has told me that OW pushes him to get along with me and if it wasn't for her, our R would be a lot worse and she wants to be a good influence in my kids lives. Cannot compete with that right now...
I don't think my H is in MLC. Yes, at first he was depressed but he seems his old self again (minus his love for me). He has re-connected with old friends and family, is working on himself to become a better person and make himself happy. He GALs constantly and he wants me to find someone to be happy with. (Sometimes when he talks, I think he has read DR himself!) He has once again become the excellent father he was before leaving and is excited about making OW part of their lives too.
So his behavior doesn't really match what others here describe about their SO's - as dealing with depression, confusion, loss of a close relative, erratic behavior, selfishness, doubts, lack of self esteem, having doubts about the R, or having a loser OP.
So why are we not D yet? H has been trying to convince me to do a collaborative D process, be amicable and do it cheaper for the sake of our kids and to be better co-parents.
Following advice from DB coach I told him I understand he wants a D and I won't stand in his way, but won't help him either since I don't want it. Yet he has taken this as me trying to control and stall the D process. (Just this morning he sent me another email asking me to please reconsider and agree to a collaborative divorce.)
Sorry for the long post... I tried to summarize my sitch as best as I could. I feel that my H's current behavior is unique and am just looking for the best approach at this time.
Thanks again for a great thread.
KG, thank you for the long and thorough post. It was excellent, and really helps me understand your sitch better. Do you have your own thread that I can comment further? I do think your situation seems a little different than most.
