More patience??? Really???

[ces67]

Hi Bug, As far as places to go, there's not much that's convenient. She has been unhappy about the move since she came 2 years ago. So we've not developed any fun places yet. But I guess now might be a time to start. There are simple things she likes such as a Chil-fil-a ice tea or a Cherry lime-aide from Sonic.

But right now she is on this "cleansing" diet where she is very limited in what she can eat and drink. Its some diet she found that is suppose to reset the body's metabolism. She did it once before and after her summer revelries, is apparently back on it because she said she'd gained about 20lbs over the summer.

She likes to exercise and I've asked her to go for walks in the past. She's always declined for various reasons. I'll just have to think of something to try. The worst she can say is "no" and I'm use to that by now.

We're going out as a family for dinner tonight. Then I'm taking S13 to a movie he wanted to see and W is taking D10 to do some "girl shopping" which I think means bras...

S13 asked W to take him to the gym this weekend. I asked to go along as well to see the gym and make it a family thing. I also want to help my S with a workout routine. I got a non-commital answer to that so we'll see.

I am struggling with how to develop an "us" between W and me because she still appears so resistant to the concept. I see her try and then back away each time. So it feels like I'm trying to force something that she's not ready for.

Piecing is very confusing. Words and actions from my W are so contradictory. She has said she's not leaving. She has said she wants to start but doesn't know where. Yet her actions show choices to keep distance, to hide her life from me and take part in activities that limit or prevent my involvement.

I can't remember which book it was but it talked about "detachment with compassion". I liked the concept of distancing emotionally so I am not tethered to my W's emotional chaos but at the same time, retaining my empathy and compassion for her struggles. This is what I am working on at the moment.

Also, I've probably mentioned this before but I was raised with a mindset of "take care of the work, then play". We have so much work to do that its hard for me to relax. I am doing this though. I hardly ever talk about money unless I have to. I laugh and joke with the kids and try with my W regardless of her response. I don't get uptight about the state of the house (though I never did in the first place). And I don't ask or really expect anything from my W that would strain her (minus the 1x a week talk that has received no response).

I guess I'm thinking some of the same things you are Bug, is this really a marriage I can live with? I love my W, however, at this point she is a person thats very hard for me to respect and one that shows no commitment to engage in close relationship with me. I want to perservere and still believe we an have a strong M at some point. But I also want to share my life with someone who wants to share it with me. I miss holding hands, sitting close and doing things with someone who smiles at me.

I'm working on Zig's advice to think of my W in good terms multiple times a day because I do need to change my perspective of her. I believe this M can be saved and improved. I just need a pit-stop to recharge and get some fresh tires for the road ahead.