To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

The saga continues and no matter what i do, I'm wrong. This is really getting to me.

A few days ago, W expressed that she might want to take D8 to the pool on Friday (today), to which I immediately agreed, actually saying that I had thought about taking her to one of the few waterparks around. To this, W answered that it was a great idea so I then told her that she could join us if she wanted and moved to another topic right away.

Yesterday, W called D8 to tell her that she would pick her up to go to the pool today. When I heard D8 talking to her mom about it, I asked her to ask what time she would be around, and D8, after asking, said that W would text me.

This morning, D8 and I were up at 7 am and I still hadn't heard from W. I knew she'd been working the previous night (with OM) and that she probably would have been up quite late so I decided to keep D8 busy. We went to a games hall where D8 sometimes likes to go and I had brought D8's swim suit so that I could easily drop her off anywhere when W would text.

At 11, I got a call from W. She was angry, and full of venom, yelling that I was trying to keep her and D8 apart. She said that I knew she was planning on taking D8 to the pool today and asked why I wasn't at home right now. I told her where we were and that since I didn't know what time she had planned to come, i had decided to take D8 here to keep her busy. I also told her that I had D8's swim suit and that I could simply drop her anywhere she wanted. She kept chewing my head off, saying that I could have texted her and that she felt like was doing all I could to keep them apart. She told me: "I miss her too, you know? and she's my daughter too!". To this (I tried to keep calm but i was getting a bit upset) I answered that I didn't want to put pressure on her as to what time she should/could pick D8 up and that I was still waiting for her text message. Eventually, she kept saying petulantly, "no, no, it's ok! you two have fun, just do what you do and I'll be here when ever you get here". I told her we were on our way.

By the time I'd made it to the parking I got a text message from her.

W - U know I was coming here. Why didn't U text me?

This again got my back up and I was about to reply but stopped and sat to think. I then chose to call, as it's easier to misunderstand text messages than a person talking.

I was calm and in a somewhat fair mood and told her that It had been a misunderstanding. That I was sorry that she thought I wanted to keep her apart from D8 and that I even had her swim suit with me so I could drop her off anywhere at a moment's notice. I re-iterated tht I had no idea what time she was planning on coming and that nothing was meant by me not being there. To this, she seemed to calm down a bit and repeated that I should have called her. To this I said maybe I could have but at the time I thought it better not to. She then said that we could take our time at the game hall but I told her we'd be back soon.

On the way back home I forced myself to be in a good mood and upon arrival cheerfully said hello, W totally ignored me and gave me the cold shoulder. I probably should have left it but I engaged her politely and in a friendly manner and asked if she was ok and if we could talk. I probably should have just left instead because nothing new was said and she still believes that I should have called and is still angry with me for what she thinks I am doing.

I then took my leave wishing them both a nice day and as I left, I asked her what time she would bring D8 back. She then got angry again saying that she didn't know and that it didn't matter anyway as D8 is on holiday. I told her that it may be so but that I should be here when she drops D8 back so I need to know what time, as a simple courtesy. She again said she didn't know and that she could do what she wanted. She didn't have to answer to me. I agreed with this but again said that I just needed to plan my day around being back here for D8. To this, W replied that she would put D8 to bed when she gets home and that she would leave when she was asleep so I didn't need to be here (she has done that on a few occasion, first asking the landlady to keep an eye on D8). I was now getting angry and saw that I couldn't do anything and that this conversation was going no where so I left (Unfortunately displaying anger and exasperation).

One thing which hit me afterwards is that this final confrontation took place in front of D8. I was so taken aback by her refusal to simply tell me what time she would be back that I missed that fact. I didn't imagine this to end up this way.

I left and went to a friend to vent and while there, about 30 minutes after I had left W, I got the following text message.

W - Hi Arsene i feel bad for getting upset with u. Maybe it was my fault but who cares. You are right maybe it's just a misunderstanding. I'll bring her back around bedtime but I might change plans i'll let u know.

After reading over and over, i decided to ignore it and not to reply. if it was meant as an apology, it's a bad one as far as I'm concerned. "Maybe it's my fault but "who cares". Can't she just take responsibility for anything anymore??? "...but I might change plans" are these the words of someone who is trustworthy? But then again, she isn't, now, is she? Why do I bother?

I know i'll be told by some of you that I'm judging her again and maybe I am but now I'm worried about losing my D8 to this person who isn't the woman I married and who has no similarities at all with the woman I love.

After the chat with my friend, we agreed that there wasn't much that could be done about it, or about any of my sitch anyway and that the best course of action is to stay the course and GAL.

I've read the LRT and it looks like what I've been dong since I got here a month ago (only 30 days but it has felt like years).

One thing i find interesting is that DR says that one of the possible responses to LRT is that W might become curious, show more interest and ask a lot of questions about my changes. She did all that a few weeks ago but I guess now its all over.

I don't know if I can do this. But what else can I do? OK, enough self pity.

What do I do now. GAL. Continue with the plan. I want to rent that house we saw last week. The one W got excited about. I'll be starting a few privates next week and work should start after the holidays at the end of the month. I also plan to join some sort of club or another (cycling, hiking, 4X4ing, Motorcycle) and I want to place myself in a position where I can meet other people, not romantically but quite frankly, my self-esteem could do with a bit of platonic dating (there is no other kind of dating in this country anyway).

I know I feel exhausted emotionally and I am not ready for another relationship but I need to meet people to cheer me up so I can drop the "despair" look. This is real bad but I still love my W and I am convinced more than ever that she is going through MLC, so this is not who she really is. I'm just not sure I can wait her out but, we'll try it one day at a time.

I'd still appreciate comments on the goals I set above