So I'm trying to figure out even though I'm seeing these small positive things, and he's actually talking to me like a person on occasion, why do I still feel so crappy (sad, depressed, exhausted)?? Is it because I know he's still got many issues he needs to deal with? Or the what happens next? Or the how would I ever trust him again? Or could it be in less than a month is what should be our 10 year anniversary, and if it's like any other special occasion I will be barely, if even acknowledged....I have got to get a grip, but I feel like I keep slipping.... I just don't know what to do.....
More detachment? I just don't know. Like I said, it's so freaking hard to hear how wonderful you are and then be told, but I'm still leaving in the same breath. I know, proves his problem, not mine, still svcks though.
Perfect example of what I am talking about. Wednesday evening I was making a cake. I noticed he kept watching me, didn't say anything, I minded my own business. Made the cake, went downstairs and attempted to workout while it cooled, that didn't go well, ended up crying on the floor for some reason (no he didn't hear or see me, he only gets smiley rainbows and sunshine me). Eventually went back upstairs, checked the cake. He went down to the garage and I decided to attempt a different workout (Biggest Loser weight loss yoga), I actually completed it with out becoming a depressed mess. By this time I was able to make the icing for the cake. H was back upstairs at that point, again, watching me, I guess wondering who the cake was for I don't know. I put the finished product in the fridge.
The next morning I put the little Happy Birthday letters on the cake, sat it on the table, along with a small bowl of extra icing. H came out to the kitchen and was making his breakfast, kept eying the cake. Finally he says to me, "You having a bowl of icing for lunch?" I started laughing and said, "No, but don't think it didn't cross my mind. But it's not my icing. It's the extra I made for my co-workers birthday cake because I know how much she likes my peanut butter icing." He said looked at me and said, "Yeah, that's you always thinking of others before your self." He had that sad, half depressed look on his face. I just looked at him a second, smiled and said, "Yep, that's me." I didn't know what the heck to say. WTF? It would have been funny (in my head anyway) to say, "Yeah, thinking of someone other than yourself, you should try it sometime." I DID NOT SAY THAT, just thought it!!! I know if I would have said it, it would have totally backfired and I'm sure fantasy relationship girl would be getting the attention.
Anyway, sorry for the rambling, my mental state is just that way at the moment.... Happy Friday all!
