Needing some guidance... 5

[labug]

Who would, none of us chose to be here but here we are. I know you're really down right now but you will be up again. You were a few days ago when you found out about the job.

Focus on that, focus on your kids. Be angry, it's OK, cry, that's OK, too. Give yourself a period of time and then get back to living.

Don't let him take anything more away from you.

While not going out on the weekends might have contributed to your depression, it didn't cause it. You are still seeing an IC, right?

[jks]

No, I'm not. I only went to that family therapist once by myself. I didn't like him and haven't seen him since.

I've been counseling with my bishop from my church and others. I have been trying to turn my life over to my religion as much as possible right now because it truly is the only thing that brings me comfort.

It's been an important thing for me to have the kids continue to go to church every Sunday too. Now that he will have them, that will stop. (he walked away from our religion when he left me.) That devastates me more than anything.

There are so many things fighting against me. I feel like I'm trying with all my heart to overcome this and have compassion for him and understand. But these feelings are like a weekly occurrence. I don't know if I'm really progressing. And why that is, I don't know. Why is it so hard for me to move on? This is so crazy that I would put up with this for so long.

I don't know what to say to him... it's almost easier for me to ignore him. Just ignore this is even happening. I feel like I married a monster who is totally out of control and I just have to sit here and put a smile on my face and show that it doesn't affect me.

I am lost, once again. (sigh)

[jks]

Welcome to my roller coaster. I hope you've buckled up because it's seriously an out of control ride. I think I've been run over like 50 times.

I'm ready for a new ride.

[labug]

Then ignore him, have someone else handle the kid exchanges. There's no rule that you have to see or talk to him. How much you see him is completely within your control.

You can't force yourself to have compassion if it's not there. Forgiveness is a process, it happens as it happens. Don't pressure yourself.

As far as the kids going to church, you should talk to a L and see what provisions can be made for that. Don't borrow trouble and worry about things that might happen.

I'm sure your Bishop is a wonderful person but there comes a time when you need a trained counselor. It's for you-seeing a counselor and being motivated to change have really turned my life around. Of course, it took my H leaving to really light my tail on fire so I have my sitch to thank for me getting healthy!

I know several people here have taken ADs to get through the rough part of this. Another option to explore.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

(((J)))

[bustingout]

(((((jks))))

Focus jks focus on the here and now. You're great new job, your kids, yourself. Leave everything else behind in your mind.

((( )))

[ces67]

Hey Jks,

I struggle with the same concerns regarding my kids' relationship with God. My W has made it difficult to continue what use to be normal practices of going to church. But this also provided me more focus to the fact that I am responsible for the spiritual growth of my children and that doesn't come from just making sure they sit in a seat in a church building so many times a week.

You can still share your faith with them and teach them about love, faith, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control, joy, peace...

A friend gave a talk recently about the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. He pointed out that Jesus didn't come when Mary & Martha wanted him to. They ended up losing their brother and dealing with all the emotions of loss and pain.

And when Jesus did come, it was with miraculous results and it served an even greater purpose than what Mary & Martha had in mind.

You're in the pain right now. Its awful. But its also not forever. You have a great deal of life left and the opportunity to make this life great. Don't do this alone. Get all the help you can and do something crazy...trust. Trust that you will get through this. Trust that life has many good things in store for you. Trust that God keeps his promises.

(((jks)))

[jks]

Thank you, CES. You are very right in so many ways. I am working on keeping the faith that all will be well. I've been spiritually working on myself a lot this week. I think that may be where a lot of my sadness comes from because my H seems to be so sure he has no interest in our religion. I believe it may actually be the one thing that could make us stronger. I will always believe that.

My focus has been working on the light from within me. I want to leave an impression of positive vibes where ever I go. I've also been really trying to harness my impatience and anger with my children. This is my BIGGEST struggle. Doing it alone is sometimes draining and frustrating. But I will continue to persevere.

I can see now how my kids sometimes use this situation against me. They see how emotional I get and they will sometimes make comments just to see how I'll react. I know daddy must seem like the better option right now because he's the super happy fun one.

I'm really working on this. Not to compete... I just don't want them growing up to hate me or resent me. I have a lot to work on. A lot!!

[reachingHigher]

Hang in there, jks! I never had three little ones that young together. I could barely handle one at a time! Lol! You DO know that even if H was at home and involved you would still have the most demanding job in the world and your varying emotions would still be there. It's just super hard now because you don't have him to lean on and you are very much still in love with him. As well as dealing with the frustration of OW and H allowing all that with her. It's a lot to deal with. A really lot!

I applaud you for doing all what you are doing! You are amazing! You have much more strength than you realize.

I agree with bug, if you could see an IC it would be good. I saw a really bad one for one visit only, talked twice with a different one on the phone that I didn't like, but the one now I have is a perfect fit. It's worth taking the time to find someone. I look forward to that visit every week now and during the rough times last month did twice a week.

I think of you often. I want you to make it through this! Thanks for your comments on my thread!

[jks]

It's 3:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am in a huge state of worry. I can't get my mind in a good place. I saw my H Saturday when I dropped off my kids and we both smiled at each other and I felt for a moment just how much I love him.

He's still so kind to me and yet, still so indifferent. His dad comes out and acts like everything is hunky dorey and I really tried my hardest to just smile and be warm and graceful.

I am so so so tired. I have no motivation to do anything right now. I'm losing my ability to see happiness for myself. I swear it's like I need a constant IV hooked up to me of some happy juice or something. My mind has been up and down all day. My mom had to talk me down tonight because I was wandering the house not knowing what to do with myself.

I can't bring myself to go to sleep because my mind will go further into the worry that I'm feeling right now. It's weird because I really have been putting my focus on God and spiritual reflection this past week and it almost seems like it has made me fall deeper into despair because I'm realizing the seriousness of everything my H is doing and I'm missing even more the spiritual bond that we once had. It's like I'm mourning the loss of my H's spirituality, which for me, is everything.

I dread getting my kids back for fear of what they might tell me. In a sick and twisted way, I feel somewhat betrayed by them too. How in the world do I cope with this? Going out lately hasn't made me feel better at all. I actually miss my H even more because I'd rather be with him than anyone else.

Everything reminds me of him. I'm triggered by everything and I get set off so easily and can cry at any given moment. Just wishing I could see an end in sight. My H will never approach me with any kind of information and just continues to pretend like nothing is wrong. He doesn't want to talk to me and I just want to become numb to it because the pain of this is so constant and it seems never ending.

I guess it probably would be in my best interest to find a good therapist. I'm losing it...

[jks]

Sometimes I wonder if H had just filed long ago in Nov. like he had originally planned and never gave me another chance whatsoever (dragging this on and on) how much further along I would have been right now. I know the what if's are pointless but I'm seriously disappointed in the state of where I'm at right now. It has been a year and I feel emotionally attached just as much today as I did when he first left me. How is this possible??