Stronger

[mishka422]

Oh Gineen...I wish I had answers for what you ask. I'll take a stab at it.

Why do I act like I'm not special enough that he might worry about losing me? In short, I'm not. I wasn't special enough not to leave and I'm definitely not special enough to hold him here. He knows for a fact he won't lose me. I'm far too loyal...kind of like a faithful dog. Stupid.

He could walk away. He has walked away...several times. I don't believe that he would stay if he had a better offer. Again, I'm no one worth staying with. I'm not exciting, I'm not pretty, I'm not anything.

He knows he has me where he wants me. It's all his way or no way. No, he's never said that. His past actions over the last 23 years tell me that. When I tried to talk to him about my needs and what I wanted and it didn't mesh with his he walked away and wouldn't talk to me. Then, he would never allow me to bring it up again. He shut me down over and over.

No, it's not the kind of R I think we could have, it's just the one it is. For me, having him here is better than not. I'm totally lost without him here.

I know this sounds horribly pathetic, but it's honest. There aren't any other people in my life that know these things about me. As far as my RL friends are concerned, I'm a happy-go-lucky, eternally smiling person who will bend over backward for her friends. They have no idea what kind of mess is inside and I hope I can always keep it that way.

No platitudes are necessary, please don't blast me for feeling the way I do. I've been struggling mightily for my entire life with these feelings...they aren't going to go away. I've just gotten really good at managing them with therapy and journaling.

That's the best answer I can give you for your question.