hi- i'm just reading your stuff here- it occurs to me to say to you that my mlc h and my neices & nephews are ALL the products of divorce. my own dad died when i was 18-
no matter what the heck is going on with you and wife- you just need to be the guy that loves them and says so (UNqualified love- no strings and no "if deserve it". it's hard- my h is non-verbal about stuff like the L word. it's his sad affliction from his own parents awful divorce (they both cheated on each other tho i believe- he's emotionally mangled.) BUT - if his dad could have managed to be loving and supportive instead of just cold and worried about himself and heaping scorn on his mom- perhaps there would have been some hope for a poor kid in a bad position to have made it out a bit more normal.
he was alone- nite and day pretty much - all the kids i love have issues- WHAT THEY also have - is at least one parent (mom) (but could be you too) who provides love and stability and shows it and says it daily. they are doing okay mostly- i think that's the difference. i get it that REAL MEN DON'T TALK ABOUT FEELINGS (I'VE BEEN told soooo many times )
here's what i think is the important thing- people only REALLY KNOW (for sure) what you say out loud and TELL THEM. we all speculate and assume - but it's just that and we all KNOW IT - KIDS TOO.- that we're guessing or hoping. IF IT COMES RIGHT FROM YOUR MOUTH- THE LOVE, SUPPORT, NO MATTER WHAT - EVEN UNDERSTANDING FOR YOUR WIFE'S "CONFUSION" IF NOTHING BETTER COMES TO MIND. IF YOU ARE KIND AND LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING- I'M THINKING they have a better chance of ending up that way too. THEY WILL hone in on the example & your values to form their own. tell them they are great and point out whatever is their own particular strong point- force yourself to soft-up and say it out loud.
don't let your issues spill allover the place- i'd think be judicious about what of your pain you share with your kids and save it to rant to friends. they don't need to know- it's awful to think your parent is in pain- kids feel helpless & should be able to count on you- not the reverse.
don't mean to be bossy here- just a few thoughts because it's soooo all around me. kids can survive and be okay- each one becomes a different person and honestly- i think it's genes and a crap-shoot what sort of person they become. you can only help them like themselves and feel loved & secure about YOU. the rest is up to them.
