I am a simple man, and my advice would be for you to simplify things as well. Simply sit the wife down and calmly say "I've been doing some thinking, and this isn't working for me anymore." And then proceed to lay out what you are no longer willing to do (buy cigarettes and feminine products for her, cook meals for her that she doesn't even have the common courtesy to eat, have locked doors in your own home, etc., etc.)
The list should be YOUR list, not ours, but figure out the core things that are eating at your self-esteem (not to mention your manhood), and lay them out. End of conversation.
You seem to be very passive-agressive, either using humor to deflect or else coming at her with fangs bared. My advice for you would be to learn to plow the middle ground. The calm, strong, leading middle ground.
