okay so it's been 20 minutes since I've written that and I'm certainly starting to feel it.
positives: I'm proud of the way I acted. It was a world away from when I almost sat down in a feild bawling my eyes out making a scene in front of other dog walkers, kids with bikes etc. I acknowledged that I was proud of my actions, my decisions, and acknowledged his choices and told him I accepted it and was fine with what he'd choose because it is what it is. I told him I want him to be happy and I want the best for him. We discussed issues in our relationship. I stated (and remembered how mean he used to be to me sometimes. he is very charming and he can also be downright ugly) We reminisced about some happy times. He brought up a store and it was a time we'd gone to London on our own and went to a museum. And we talking about how much fun we had. Because we'd had drinks before going to a serious place and we just laughed the whole time. Then he said the only good thing was this and I said no there was also this. and he said yeah. And i wanted to watch this film and you got bored and lured me away with a chocolate brownie in the canteen. And in a very silly voice I said no, H remember your choices are your choices you choose the brownie over the film. I only offered you could have stayed. It was your choice. and he goes oh shut up you....laughing the whole time
negatives: I probably bought up the idea that i didn't agree with his choice way too much. I made him feel like I was lecturing him when I pointed out his pattern. And I shouldn't have stated that I felt like he takes the easy way, it could have made him feel emasculated.
The truth is I knew this was coming: the divorce, him marrying her, etc. I knew it deep down inside. Hearing it and facing it is hard. Would a D be easier if at the same time I was planning a M, sure. Would it be easier if I had someone holding my hand the whole way, researching it with me, helping me do it, sure. Do I want any of things for myself NO.
So how much is different now than before he came over and before he said this outloud? Not a whole lot. It's hard. F*ck Me it's hard. I want ciggs, I want wine, I want to stay home tomorrow and cry in bed all day. But I won't because that's not really how I feel. I don't want to be 35 and divorced with the possibility of not having any more kids looming over my head. I can't believe when I left I worried that he would become some depressed hermit. He's the one that's on the road to getting remarried. But again...that's not really how I feel. I'm happy that I have come so far that I can be happy on my own. That I can find happiness inside me. That i can be independant and not codependent.
