After I sent out that b-day card I felt overly self conscious. I've never sent them anything and doing so now, combined with whatever my W is telling them makes me feel very uncomfortable as if I'm trying to make myself look good. It's the only way I can see right now to not completely drop off their radar because I really do love them all very much and will miss them greatly this coming holiday season.
Again, I get it. I felt the same. My MIL was telling people that I'm still part of the family, I'll always be their SIL, etc. At the same time she was taking trips with the OM. In my mind, I don't want family to choose sides. I don't think they want to either. I've done the same as you - sent birthday cards, graduation gifts, etc. I still do. Why? Prior to this my ex did that stuff. Not because I can't or won't, but because it was something she wanted to do and I felt like it was handled. Now that she's gone, I am the only one to delegate that task to. If I want it done, I do it. I do NOT feel any shame about it or any awkwardness about it any longer. It is what it is. They are welcome to feel how they want to feel about something. I'm going to do, say, feel how I am going to and others are welcome to do, say, feel how they are going to. Won't change what I do nor the reasons I do them.
You and your ex were very close for a very long time. Over time, we divide tasks amongst close people. Just happens that way in most cases. That, and she may be overwhelmed by emotions to the point of not being able to remember things very well. I know that was one of the striking differences with my ex - she used to be very organized and planned out but really couldn't remember anything outside of her chosen field of view last I saw.
You seem to choose your words carefully around the bit where you had pause to think. Not sure why that seems that way to me, but I suspect that you don't like those feelings. Maybe I'm miss reading something.
Doesn't it make sense that she wants to be "right"? So do you it seems. Except you seem to realize that being "right" or "justified" is really not very meaningful.
If you're ex is anything like mine, it may incense her even more that you aren't all weepy and broken down into a puddle of mud. I think you realize now she just wants to be mad, so regardless of your actions, she'll be angry.
As for the boys. Is it possible they are trying to show you how they are supporting you by talking about "attacking" him and her? Is it about the boys or about you that they do that?
Just curious,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
