He came over way earlier than expected. We chatted about stuff and then I said how are you and he said good and I said how are you really and he said yeah, good. and I said are you happy and he said yes.
Then he asked how I was doing in that department. and I said what department and he said romantically and I said I've had a few dates nothing serious.
He said I saw that (the coworker I was dating in Dec/Jan) was at the olympics with you. And I said yes he's now seeing xx. And he goes oh really. And I said yeah I don't know. I mean I think people want there to be more drama but the truth is we both said we'd wait until our sitches were more stable and then I decided I wasn't over you. so I let that fizzle. And decided to take another look at us, which you didn't want to do
He asked me where I was with that, if it was okay. And I was so honest and I'm so proud of what I said. I said,
Do you know what...I am. I have accepted what's happened. It is what happened. It is life. So I've accepted yes. yes I mean. It's really if you're okay with it. I don't know if you'll have regrets in 10 years that you didn't take another look at us. I was so unhappy with myself and I look back and I don't like who I was then. I just couldn't even function and I thought it was best to leave. I am happy I did say I may have f*cked up and made the wrong choice. I said I don't think it's.... I don't think you can look me in the eye and say you're not attracted to me (no, I think you're gorgeous) or that we get along and have fun (of course I think you're great) and that we had a good thing (I'll always think that) And I had the courage to say hang on because of that I think we should give it another look. (at this point I thought I might cry) And it hurt and it was hard. But I'm so glad that i went through it. I could have just said no this is my decision and pushed it away and went out loads and met lots of guys and pushed all those feelings away but i didn't and i'm glad because I'm so much better. I'm 100% a different person than I was then and I don't think I would have if I hadn't admitted that. But your choices are your choices. I made the choice to want to look at our relationship again and you didn't so it's if you're okay with that.
He said i'm in this horrible position. Of course I think you're amazing, I loved all the time we spent together. I hate to use the phrase but for a little while before that we started growing apart. But I'm also really happy now.
I said I'm glad you're happy.
he said I don't want to hurt you and I'm worried about your feelings but in my mind we will divorce.
I said I know. I've accepted that.
He said that he was worried about how I would react given how I reacted in May when he told me he might be moving in with her. And he said I want you in my life I want us to be friends I never don't want us to be friends.
So I told him how I don't always feel like his friend.
And he went on and on about how he's felt cagey because of I acted in May. And he knew that I wanted him back and he didn't want to lead me on. and it was so bl**dy patronising. I was like look there's lots of things I don't like about you too.
And he said like what?
So I told him that he needs to learn to balance his own checkbook, and I told him about the whole going down the easy route, And then I mentioned something else and he got defensive and I said look I don't want to argue.
So then we started talking about how I have accepted the situation, that I wrestled with whether I was wanting us to look at our M out of loyalty or love and whether I'd be sh*t scared if he turned around and said I want to work on this. That I didn't know what it would be like.
He said it would be horrible and you know it would. We didn't work we did for awhile but we don't now.
And I said look it's fine. You decided you didn't want to travel down that road again. he said that's a great way to put it. And I said and I don't want to twist your arm. I can't force you. your choices are your choice. And as much as I think we could have made another go of it, it doesn't matter. I mean I don't want someone that I have to force to be with me. I don't have to do that. I said I worry that you always go the easy route and I don't know how much you actually like being in the R you're in or if it's just easy and then you can marry her and your visa's sorted.
And he nodded and said yeah....
So anyway he lets slip that they are getting married. That they've looked extensively into visas/divorce proceedures/etc. And I was really calm. We talked about it all. All in sort of rational logical terms. Then he said what's that look?
I said I don't know...it's just you met me in Feb 05, you met her in Feb 12, you moved out of your ex's and into your own place for a few months and then you moved in with me at the end of May and you've done the same thing this year. And he said did I? And I go yeah...then we got married that Dec...It's definitely a pattern. He said be my friend Brit not my mom.
I said I do want to be your friend and because I'm friend I want the best for you. We didn't work I don't want that to happen again for either of us. For myself I don't think the four months is long enough to know that I want to marry someone and he said look I make a lot of jokes about her being loaded. But she's good people. She's a lot more like me. And I said then what? me? And he said, yeah, look I don't want to hurt you.
I said so when were you going to tell me...and he said we needed to talk about this for awhile. It was most of the reason I was coming over tonight.
So we started talking about other stuff. And I was suprised how calm I was. Then he kinda offered going to pick up my mum from the airport. I said I wouldn't dream of asking and he said this is me offering. Then out of no where when I sat back down on the couch after using the loo he says you look really pretty.
When he left he gave me a big hug. I am at a loss for words. That's what happened but as far as what I feel? I'm glad I said what I said that it's not if I'm okay with it it's if he's okay because at this point I've stood for my marriage and he's said no....so that's on him now.
At some point I talked about how I don't know what our friendship is and he said that he's just felt like he couldn't be friends because of what happened in May and he's been so worried about my feelings. And I told him that wasn't a problem anymore. I've accepted it I'm cool.
We were talking about something else and I said yes you have been to that town. I did a 5K there and i got angry and he said and you started crying I'm so sorry I was so horrible then. I was thinking about all the stupid fights we used to have. And I said you used to be really quiet on purpose. And he said yeah..And then I said i'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you about driving. I know that you'd never try to get us hurt and I should have trusted you. He said I don't remember it that way. He said you hated me driving fast. and I used to drive like 25 mph and think this woman still got something to say!!! I said no you didn't and we were cracking up laughing.
He said at one point I will always look back fondly at what we had. And I said and I think we still could have had it. And he was quiet. And I said not that I'm saying I actively want that now.
There was another point when
When he left I fell into and old pattern and reached my hands up for a hug even though I was sitting down. He took his hat off and knelt down in front of me and gave me a really big really long hug. And kissed me on the cheek. There was a very long 2 seconds where I thought I could try and kiss him. I think he'd be receptive And then I thought...why...why on earth would I do that.
So here I am. It's most of my fears (?) thoughts (?) whatever confirmed. He's doing exactly what I worried about 6 months ago. Except i found myself feeling slightly sorry for him. There he is wearing horrible cheap shoes because he didn't want to pay �20 for the brand name shoes, needing a haircut, and I'm thinking if you're really happy I'm amazed. Or maybe I wasn't that special either I was just the one that he thought yeah okay she'll do. Because he'd apparently (I found out tonight) only had one date inbetween the ex he lived with on and off for 5 years and me. I don't know.
