Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[Mrs D]

Hi Labag - I will do that.. if I can figure it out.

Im trying so hard to NC - my T recommended it as well. Made the mistake over the weekend, but for the most part, doing alright with it except for when I drop our son, or he returns him. Its almost like hes trying to be friends, maybe reaching out alittle to make things better for us - but then I pounce and make it more than it is. I get hurt in the end because I just want to make things better, you know? But I do know I need to fix me first and foremost. I just need to find that patience. And try to stop longing for him. He was my best friend for 12 years up to 5 weeks ago. He told everyone at a graduation party he had attended that he wanted our family back together and that he still loves me so much. So I think there could be a possibility somewhere in the future.

My councelor said something last night that made complete sense to me. He said God wants families to be together. He also said that with the things that I had done to damage my marriage, maybe he said - you need to work on your issues now to make your future relationships better. But then he went back to God wants families to be together. Do I take that as a sign? I sure did!!

I know the texting thing was wrong. My GF apologized to me the next day saying she enabled it all. It wont happen again.

I will check out the book recommendation. Seems I read all the time - alot of self help books. Thank you!

[Mrs D]

Sorry - Mistype. Labug.

[labug]

LaBag...

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[Mrs D]

Got it - thank you again!

[Carnac]

MrsD:

I've got a couple of thoughts for you today based on some of what you've been posting. I think it always "seems" easy for the other person, but you also have to know that in their quiet moments they must have some doubts and think about this. Like most spouses yours is most likely watching you from a distance and seeing if your really going to change. Read through that letter from the WAW again and see that years of problems build up some pretty big and strong walls and it takes a long time for them to even peak over the wall with their eyes much less to walk out from behind it.

My second thought is you have to stop the pouncing thing. Trust me its exactly what I do, my wife cracks the front door just slightly and I try to push it open....but think about when you were a kid playing with your friends or siblings and they cracked the door and you pushed on it what happened......exactly they pushed back even harder trying to get it shut again. Thats what my wife does and most likely whats happening to you so to continue the analogy.....if you were playing this game with a friend and you didnt push on the door do you remember what happened? They opened it a little wider to look around and see where you were.

My final thought for you on this is that you have to be unavailable enough for him to want you, and also he at least needs to believe that your not gonna stand around while he dates someone else and you'll be at his beck and call. I thought about that when you said he told friends at the party that he wants his family back together, but does he want it back together now, or does he just want to know that its always gonna be available to him whenever he's done playing. I think thats the most important reason for you to be unavailable, not pounce etc....so that he won't figure out...if he hasn't already...that your gonna stand around waiting for him while he plays the field for a bit.

[Mrs D]

Carnac:
I cannot thank you enough for your posts. Your posts seriously calm me, even for a bit.

I think I have done well maybe with the pouncing this week. Sorta. Sunday and Monday with his what I thought flirting - I played along, but didnt really pounce on anything per se. I thought I did well with NC, well till he came over do drop my son. Then I may have pounced some I guess. But the rest of the week, I have done extremely well I thought with NC and the pouncing. Althought last night he had that smirk he does that is to die for - but I didnt read into anything. Just him being him. Although - I do read more into things than what I should I guess..

He had said that statement at the party before he started dating this girl. I guess it was a week or two after when he started dating her. Either way - I see your point.

We are both in a golf outing this weekend. My brother throws his annual golf outing for his bday. In all honesty, I wish my H would have cancelled, but hes still going to be there. Even after all of my family knows he is moving on, or whatever he is doing. I have alot of anxiety building knowing he will be there Saturday. My T said just to be cordial. Dont look into anything more than what it is. Have fun. Be yourself. Smile. If he comes around more than what I feel is necessary - simply walk away. This will be the hardest day I will have to go through so far, hands down. Good thing is that my family and some close friends will be there to support me.

All I keep thinking is its another chance to pounce...

[Carnac]

Trust me I understand....i'd give you one more piece of advice that you may or may not need. If you drink, even socially, its probably best to avoid drinking at all on this golf outing. That may sound crazy, but if you start drinking I can assure you at some point your gonna say or do something in regards to him that you'll regret later.

I gave up drinking entirely...mostly for me and my health, but also for my son and hopes of a family. Im not suggesting everyone should do that, but I can assure you having been around some friends recently who still drink and being somewhat surprised by how they act and realizing I used to act exactly the same is kind of embarassing.

[Mrs D]

Im not a big drinker at all much. Usually I might have 3 beers through the afternoon - which I dont believe it alot playing 18. But after last Fridays episode with dinner with friends, and then me going to Hs house - I know its not a good idea. I have to leave right away and get my son anyway, so drinking wasnt planned. Atleast I thought that process out before hand. LOL
So Im reading the DR book. I wish I had found this book sooner. I guess I wish I would have pulled my head outta my butt and cared sooner. We didnt have any problems at all that couldnt have been worked out. The EA was wrong. I know that was the demise of the marriage. He just didnt think I could change anything. Exit stage left goes my H. Im left standing alone trying to make changes to move forward.

[labug]

I agree with the (not)drinking 1) lowers your inhibitions and increases the chance of doing/saying things you will regret 2) it's a depressant. Who needs that in the middle of this trauma?

[Mrs D]

I guess my question is this as Im reading. My Hs biggest problem (other than the As) was that I didnt spend enough time with him. I didnt make him a priority. The book, and everyone is telling me NC. Shouldnt I be showing him that I want to make him a priority since that was one of his biggest issues with me?