Oh Arsene, I should certainly have waited just a little longer, and read your advice. But I can't change the past, only learn from it.
To really boil it down, I've learned that no matter the outcome of this little experiment (even if it's overwhelmingly positive), I'm clearly not ready to continue this "experiment". Something I'll surely discuss with my IC next week.
So to answer your questions Arsene: She gave quite a few reasons for leaving: Dislike of S. FL., no friends down here, a general sense of unhappiness despite our relationship being "better than ever", needing to be alone to find herself...
Do I think moving to C. FL would help the situation: Probably. First of all, this would be the biggest 180 I could possibly make in her eyes, as I fought against the move there for a long time... I think it would go a LONG way toward showing how willing I am to FIGHT for this (A complaint she recently voiced)... But I also know that moving up there is 100% pursuing, and as she's with OM and I'm clearly not far enough down my own path to think about making such a drastic decision.
Some of my 180s:
Not initiating contact (I know, I know, recently failed this one hardcore!)
Focusing more on myself (As even she complained that I only seemed to care about her) by working out, eating better, and getting into great shape.
Letting go the need to FIX her issues by listening and NOT offering advice unless asked
Staying STRONG on my stances and not changing my mind to try to end a disagreement
GALing is a HUGE 180 for me, as I gave up a HUGE part of my life, friends, etc. to try to make her happy
Keeping the House clean (Another huge one for me, although one she'll never notice as she's hundreds of miles away... Still, it makes ME feel better, which I know is the point of these 180s)
Learn to control my emotions more (I'm overly sensitive at times, especially to criticism)
FOR SURE, the next time I'm planning on sending an email to initiate contact (which shouldn't be for quite a while after the feelings I've been having for the last 15 hours or so!), I'll post it here and let you good people help me out!
You alluded to holding off on sending an email and letting the good people here review it first, that’s a great idea, same with texts, how to respond, etc…I’ve done this multiple times and it’s been very helpful. I wrote an email to my FIL yesterday. Him and I are in the same profession and we’ve always had a really good relationship. Since the separation I’ve had zero contact with him. I never sent the email and I am sure I probably won’t, there’s no point. Over the last couple months I’ve tried to me as methodical as possible, trying my best to avoid knee jerk reactions.
Your 180’s look great. I am not sure about the moving one though. I’ve read parts, but not all of your sitch so please excuse me if I am missing something. If there’s OM involved is there really a reason for you to bother moving?
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
As tough as it is, especially knowing there's an OM in the picture, I have to keep remembering these things:
It's a marathon, not a sprint I can't do anything to change her mind or actions I have to continue my GAL/180s I have to keep a PMA I need to remember to DO NOTHING most times
And the one that's hardest to accept:
I'll be fine no matter how this turns out
That last one still doesn't ring 100% true in my heart, but deep down, I know that these actions I'm taking to better myself are FOR myself... They'll help be become a better person no matter what, and since I can't MAKE W come back, I can just continue along my path, keep HOPE alive, but have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Easier said than done!
Put this where you can read it every day.
Make this your truth.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Rough: To be clear, while moving would be a huge 180, it's not one I'm planning on doing any time soon. There's far too much work to do on ME and our R before I'd even consider it!
And i'll certainly take your advice on the input of you folks whenever I'm struggling with what to send... although NOT sending is probably better anyways!
Well she responded to the email. She told me she wishes she could respond in greater depth, but is on her way out the door. Then she thanked me for sharing the dream, talked about our health insurance situation (as it's open enrollment and we need to change plans... she's uncomfortable with me paying her health insurance, but has no job and let me know that as soon as she gets one, I can take her off... but i'm not sure that I can actually take her off without a "Life Change"... i.e. divorce... and I'd rather not go down that route!) and let me know that she'll be home later tonight and all day tomorrow if I wanted to talk... She clearly wants me to call her...
She ended with a phrase that she KNOWS I love when she says... then told me she'd definitely buy the shirt she was wearing in my dream (It said Won't Give Up on it) if she saw it...
I'm going to try my hardest not to over-analyze this email (as i'm so apt to do) but at least now I know that her reaction to it wasn't very negative.
Still, I really put myself on pins-and-needles waiting for a response to this email... A sign that my detachment is FAR from complete... And I know I need to pull back more, even if this response was reasonably positive.
Because I need to remember my 180s, remember that if i'm following DB/DR advice I'm not to initiate any contact... but even if i'm following my ICs advice I need to remember that the content and frequency of my initiations of contact need to be carefully considered...
Meaning I CAN'T call her tonight (as last night's email was an unsolicited contact), even if we do need to get the details of this insurance figured out by tomorrow...
Sounds like a good list of 180s. Glad to hear that the email didn't get a negative response. Hope you chat with her goes well. I like that list you had earlier on your post about what you were aiming for during the telephone conversation. Try something like that again. It'll help you stay on track.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Update before bed... W texted me about an hour ago saying that she really wanted to chat tonight, but she'd had a little too much to drink with her friend and was afraid she wouldn't be able to control herself, so said she'd call tomorrow instead...
It's probably better this way anyway, as I'll be taking Arsene's advice above and writing out a new list...
Now its off to sleep so I can wake up to an even better day tomorrow!
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks Arsene! I too hope today's conversation goes well... I'm not sure when she plans on calling, but we have to make sure that any changes to our health insurance are in place by midnight, so if she doesn't call by early evening, I have no idea what I'll do about it! Guess she'll just have to go with whatever I decide!
Journal Today (Should be short, as it's been an uneventful one)
Yeah, W texted last night and said that she'd "Love to chat" but thought it might not be a great idea since she'd had a bit too much to drink and was afriad she wouldn't have complete control of her words.
I appreciate that, and as I was in a similar boat drink-wise, it's certainly best that we didn't chat. Although a huge part of me wanted to hear from her in an unfiltered state such as that... but the chances of that not going well were much too great!
So we'll see if she calls tonight... and I'll be sure to update here either way!
