Makes sense. I'm just lacking a lot of focus right now. I'm not able to concentrate on my school work right now, but it's not all because of my W - just a majority of it.
I try not to think about it, but then something comes up that ropes me back in. I sent my BIL and his wife a b-day card with gift cards in it for them. I'm reaching out to them to keep connected, but keeping my distance for the most part. I've basically circled the wagons and I'm keeping them out, but I know that in time my relationship with them will rebalance itself. I've put some thought into my intentions on this because I hadn't really put much thought into it before. I know I'm the bad guy in all this and that's just part of my W going through MLC. What I've found about what hurts me, is that my W must be saying some pretty good things about me in order for people to believe that divorcing me is the only option for her. I know my W has said a lot of these things to some of her family members in order to justify her actions and gain support and that hurts.
Regardless of how they feel about her decision process, I live on one side of a bridge and my W on the other. They mean a lot to me, but talking freely with them or visiting them is uncomfortable for me because of the villain I'm being painted as. Unlike with my W though, I am keeping in touch with B-day stuff or holiday's with cards. I still forward funny text's I get, but recently I was made to feel uncomfortable about myself. It wasn't my B-in-L's fault, it's all on me. I forwarded him a text of a picture/joke and he replied with a fun approval in a question format. I felt as though he was trying to reach out to me and I instinctively backed off any further comment. I feel like I'm in a spotlight. After I sent out that b-day card I felt overly self conscious. I've never sent them anything and doing so now, combined with whatever my W is telling them makes me feel very uncomfortable as if I'm trying to make myself look good. It's the only way I can see right now to not completely drop off their radar because I really do love them all very much and will miss them greatly this coming holiday season.
Then this morning after I picked up the kids to get them to school, S12 told me he went off on EA/OM in front of his mom. He told me that he popped off on the guy about ruining/interfering with his mom and I. I didn't have much to say about it and didn't pry. I couldn't help my smile because I'm glad that he's trying to work through his feelings instead bottling them up like I always have. I just told him that he shouldn't worry that I'll get in trouble with his mom when he does things like that because I'm already the bad guy. He should never be afraid of his feelings and I would expect him to tell me if I do/say anything that makes him feel uncomfortable.
This also gave me pause to think a bit more after he left for school. It's not helping me cope with the hurt right now, but when putting it in perspective, I'm rather thankful that I don't get badgered by my kids about the impending D. Where they challenge their mom's decisions openly, they support mine. I can't imagine that dealing with that is easy on her, but I also know it thickens her resolve to be right and me look worse. Either way though, it's nice not to have that kind of stress to have to deal with. Granted, until she does sit down and deal with it, she'll always have EA/OM to help her out. I don't loath my W and in my way I do feel sorry for her, just not sympathy yet.
As for going darker than I already am on her, I'm looking into making an online calendar to send email/text alerts to her in regards to the kids schedules and activities. I'm already tired of her texting me to help remind her of things because she says she can't always remember everything. I find it interesting that even though I'm forgetful(ADD), I appear to have played a larger role in our relationship than I first thought. Either way, right now it's about having as little communication as possible with her while I sort out my person state. We'll see where the road goes from there....
