And its funny cause I can't even bring myself to say that i'll be fine either way yet. Im gonna be a better person no matter what...and im gonna have good relationships no matter what....but im still at the point where if I lose my wife im gonna hurt for a LOOOOONG time.
I completely agree with this. I'm taking the last part of your quote here as "I'll be fine either way"... In that i'll be a better person and I'm gonna have good relationships no matter what. Obviously, I hope that W is the R that works out in the end, and if it doesn't, I can't possibly say I won't be devastated.
Now for some journaling...
So the final part of my "Experiment" is complete... and at this moment, I think it was a mistake. I wrote that email early yesterday morning and saved it as a draft... knowing I'd need some time to make sure I wanted to send it. The contents consisted of a beautiful dream I had (something we used to share via email a ton back in our "courting" days), a quick update on the "kids" (our dog and cat), and a wish for luck on her job interviews today.
I loved the email all day, and couldn't think of why I wouldn't send it later last night. Although the dream was about us, I made it clear that I wasn't sharing it because I wanted her interpretation or to show her some hopeful vision of an unrealized future. Instead I wanted to let her know that when I awoke from the dream, I wasn't filled with a sense of melancholy, instead a sense of calm. The worst thing I could have imagined happening in our relationship has already happened, and I'm still here (despite me thinking I'd fall apart) This experience is helping me to find a strength and conviction that has lied dormant for years.
Well about three milliseconds after I hit send, I realized my heart was racing... A bad sign. I found myself wondering what she would respond... or if she would respond... Then, when I got to work this morning and charged my phone (which had died early last evening and I'd forgotten my charger at work), I saw that she had texted me last night to update me on some work stuff, her upcoming interview, and to let me know of her plans for tonight...
I responded back another wish for luck and thanking her for the work update... And haven't received a response to that text yet.
Yes, I'm beating myself up a bit right now... And I'm over-analyzing the lack of reaction to my email and text... In other words, I've done a terrible job with the whole DETACHING thing over the last 24 hours.
But by writing on this board, getting my thoughts out there, I'm hoping that I'll be able to move past this... to forgive myself for this series of mistakes, and learn that I need to pull back even further... I know IC told me that reaching out in a friendly way once in a while was a good thing, but after reaching out this time, I'm not feeling so good.
So long as I learn my lesson here, I know I'll be able to get over the beating myself up... Now I've got to figure out how to stop worrying about the lack of response... Because no response might be a good thing right?
This is certainly harder some days than others! Feedback, as always, greatly appreciated.
