So yes, BO you indicate that once you found DB, your initial "technique" was LRT. As was mine. Saddly, many who end up here are in need of LRT. It is actually one of the first directives by vets to newbies.
In this initial case though, LRT would be for the LBS to settle themselves and is to be temporary. After that, we "begin with beginner's mind" and go through the book in the soft approaches.
I've noticed what we seem to have in this thread though, is a showing of two, distinct approaches.
The grey approach (ignore the OP, they are a symptom) and the black/white approach (no R with OP in picture).
Personally, I came here black/white. I left the home because of the OP being in the picture and would not have anything to do with my W while there WERE OPs.
It took me to realize that, once the OP is in play...
AN M IS DEAD!
Once I began to operate on that mind frame, it does not matter whether the OP is in play or not...
We ain't M.
And then... I can stop focusing on the OP and start focusing on the real task at hand. Working on myself and building a friendship... rather than fixing a M...
That, for me, is the "soft" approach. Who cares about the OP... there is no M to save... every interaction with my W is now from a place of getting to know any woman who is NOT M to me and in a R with someone else.
If they choose the OM/OW how will they see that you have changed as a person, if you're not going to be around them?
Truthfully who cares.
You improve for yourself.
Gotta disagree here. Whatever approach you end up using, I strongly believe that the whole point is to save the M. At least until the WAS is ready to move on themselves. It's why we came here, why we read the books... it's why we care...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Meant to add that improving ourselves seems to be part and parcel of what we are trying to do... save the M. And that is definitely good. Whether or not they end up saving the M.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I agree with you on this KD. In my case, W told me a few weeks ago about OM and I told her that I thought is was wrong and that I disagreed with it but she told me that she didn't consider herself married anymore so in her mind, there was nothing wrong with OM.
Since then, as hard as it has been, I've been working on re-establishing a friendship with W. I've been trying to get rid of any negativity that is/was between us so that every moment we spend together is seen as positive by her. Mind you, we are separated so it's not like we share a bed or a home. I don't think I would agree to that either, Denver.
I guess I am probably still a bit too involved, and available, but since she's already asked for divorce but isn't pursuing it), and since I hadn't read DR yet (I now got it and am reading it avidly)I was just trying not to make too many waves. Once I've read DR, I'll see what i need to do.
Like you say, KD, it's like trying to get to know a stranger who might, or might not be involved with someone else.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I'll take it one step further and say that the more they do it, often times the more their betrayed spouse begins to pursue them . . . hard.
What made most of us come here in the first place? What woke us up from our lazy "I was a decent spouse, but nobody's picnic" marital mediocrity? Made us read self-help books, work out, lose weight, look better/dress better/smell better?
Our spouses cheated on us.
Strange dynamic, hunh? And yet, it's that "threat of loss" -- that pulling away -- that makes us pursue.
The key, young Grasshoppah, is to LEARN that most basic of human dynamics, and to FLIP IT to your advantage.
I'll take it one step further and say that the more they do it, often times the more their betrayed spouse begins to pursue them . . . hard.
What made most of us come here in the first place? What woke us up from our lazy "I was a decent spouse, but nobody's picnic" marital mediocrity? Made us read self-help books, work out, lose weight, look better/dress better/smell better?
Our spouses cheated on us.
Strange dynamic, hunh? And yet, it's that "threat of loss" -- that pulling away -- that makes us pursue.
The key, young Grasshoppah, is to LEARN that most basic of human dynamics, and to FLIP IT to your advantage.
Where's Gooch when we need him??
Starsky
Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
I don't disagree. I'm in favor of a short "Plan A" before going to bigger guns, esp. if you were legitimately an ass prior to the wayward spouse's infidelity.
