Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[Mrs D]

I do Denver. I know what I need to do. I know what Im gonna do. I just need to find patience though ...

[Mrs D]

Just listened to Chris Young 's "I wanna be a strong man". Thats me. Prayef through music.

[Mrs D]

I went to bed last night feeling strong. Woke up this morning to rain and wondered if he is working. This whole detaching thing is hard work. Off to work and hoping its been as busy as it has been to keep my mind from wandering. Happy Thursday!

[Carnac]

MrsD:
Glad to hear that your not worried about winning. I didnt think you were, but its something we all have to make sure I think for ourselves that this is about our spouse and our marriage and not some other factor i.e. winning, money, fear etc.

And I must say that from someone with a WAW who is worried if she files its over its incredibly cool to see you not only still working after a D, but after a D and him dating someone else, your still working on you and believing that one day you can be reconciled. That takes a ton of strength and its rare for anyone in the world today to care that much about their marriage.

Detaching is hard, its frustrating and its completely necessary. I haven't gotten there yet, but im much farther along than I was a month ago, and hopefully I get a bit closer each day, thats my goal. Keep working on you, it sounds like your completely clear on the fact that you can't even begin to work on your relationship with him until you get yourself straightened out and thats the best approach to take.

[Mrs D]

Oh Carnac - you brought tears to my eyes. I just wish I would have taken care of my marriage to begin with. I know we wouldnt be here now. With that being said, I have to continue to move forward and work on me. I have alot against me regarding the relationship. Ill take that leap when Im stronger. Thank you again for your words of encouragement. They mean so much to me - especially when Im feel down. Hope your day is a good one.

[Carnac]

You can't beat yourself up too much over not taking care of your marriage when you were in it. If you do, then we'll all have to start beating ourselves up, if we had only done then what we know to do now there wouldnt be a DB website. LOL

Its ok to remember how you got here....as I told Denver I think...a certain amount of anxiety spurs us to improve, just don't let it over take you. Thats what I struggle with more than anything....allowing anxiety to overwhelm me and my thoughts and it paralyzes me at times.

[Mrs D]

I have alot of anxiety as well. My T is teaching me breathing techniques. They worked the night I was driving over to let my H know I was letting him go. I have thought and over analyzed and started thinking again almost to insanity. But I know I have to let it go. Whatever is going on with him now, I cannot change. And as my T asked me last night - what if he came back to you now? Do you think you are healthy enough to be in a relationship with him? I think that was the question that had to be asked. We would only end up here again, because I am no where near finding the end of the layers. He said when I am healthy in my head - I will know it. And only then will I ever be in a healthy relationship, whether it be with H or not.

Yes I think there is a good chance of reconciling - maybe thats just me hoping. Maybe there really isnt a chance at all. But my heart tells me there is. Its funny - I was selfish alot in our marriage, and that was one of the things I want to change. But I almost feel as if Im still selfish because I need to fix me first.

[Carnac]

Not selfish at all to fix you first. I was selfish in my marriage as well and your exactly correct....if you don't fix your behavior b/4 you try to reconcile you'll end up back at the same place. But your not totally at fault either, when/if you reconcile you'll need to get some marriage counseling so you two can figure out how to be good together.

I asked myself the same question your therapist asked you...if she called right now and wanted me to move back what would i say....and i'd honestly say that i'd love to see you, spend time with you, start dating you, but we have to see a marriage counselor a bit before I move back in b/c I dont wanna go through this again....its twice for us now and the reason its the second time is b/c we didnt do the things we should have done the first time to put things back on the right track.

[labug]

Mrs D, could you make a sig line with your info at the bottom. It helps everyone know the basics of the sitch. It's hard to keep track of everyone.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is NC. Your H seeing you right now is only going to bring back old feelings just like it does for you but his feelings are negative right now. You want him to be able to forget those and right now when you're still spinning a bit and not sure-footed in your responses, your chances of hurting rather than helping are high.

Also seeing you might cause him to have feelings he doesn't want to have and therefor he will try harder to shut those down. Stay away from him.

Phone calls with son to H, don't talk to him when son hands you the phone unless there's something you need to talk about. Would this be a 180 for you? Or tell S, "When you talk to dad, you can hang up when you're finished unless dad asks to speak to me."

About the friends texting to H when you were there reminding him of "good times" and you telling them what to say. Manipulative. And probably had the opposite effect causing him to raise his guard against you even more. Involving friends in this is usually not helpful.

You've got some work to do to fix you but it can be done. I know, I did it and my history was much longer.

I'll mention another book-"Dance of Anger" it's old but may be helpful to you.

[Mrs D]

Hi Carnac - I know Im not all to blame, and Im hoping maybe at one point we can get to the point of MC. Maybe someday. And I think I too would ask to hang out, start dating, etc as well before moving in. I dont ever want to go through what I have the past almost 5 weeks. I cant believe I put him through this for almost 9 months..

Made the mistake of reactivating FB to check my daughters page - went to the girls page to see what is going on there. Looks like shes 4 days into quitting smoking. Yay for her - boo for me. One step shes making to secure her relationship with H Im sure. Guess Im not doing well detaching today as well....

How does this seem so easy for him?