Wendy, If something isn't working, it's time to try something else. You are getting a divorce...stop doing things for him. He needs to learn that once the divorce is finalized, that's it. He needs to learn to take care of himself.
Please just take care of what you need to do to pack and get ready to move. As for him...leave him in the wind. There's nothing you can do to please him and yes, he's still looking to you to take care of everything and him...time to open the cage door, shove him out and allow him to learn to fly solo.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry for your pain...it must be so hard with him still living there...I always thought that if my ex was home during our divorce I could change his mind, but I glad he wasnt....I could not of handled it as well as you have...My hats off to you girlfriend...you are stronger than you think...you are in my prayers that God will give you the strength you need to see it to the end...much love and prayers to you....Irma LET HIM GET HIS OWN BANANAS!!!! lol
I got home from sailing last night, and had said we (S27 and I took out a group of friends) would bring pizza. Then the sailing group decided we should go for margaritas and appetizers. My son called his wife who was watching TV at my house (True Blood on the DVR)and told her what we were doing.
But somehow no one told my STBX that our plans had changed. We came in at 6 and STBX looked like he would cry about no pizza. So I grabbed out the emergency back-up dinner I keep stashed and had him a home cooked meal in 20 minutes. So I am still taking care of him.
Mind you I had 3 margaritas, S27 drove, and I guess the alcohol buzz put me into a not starting crap mode. Because while I was cooking I was thinking about it all. I have reached a funny place where I just don't care. My sister told me I would get there. I don't call him to tell him my every move. When funny things happen I don't tell him about them. When bad things happen I don't tell him unless it affects him.
His brother's wife has surgery for an ovarian cyst that is very large. I told him when she called me. But I no longer communicate with him. And he hasn't communicated with me for quite awhile. So at this point I take care of him, and in my mind it is like I'm taking care of a pet. I still feed the dogs, even when they, well, act like dogs!
Thanks Irma, I have put you in my prayers. I don't know which is better or worse, them in the house or them out. It is harder to change when they are around. But if you change and they are not around to see, how does that work?
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
The change is for us not them...we are not perfect and we did our own part in messing up our marriage, I see so many things now that I had never seen.....I did many things that I should not have and now I see them, I was very controlling, my way or the highway and he always let me win....so now that I have seen those things I have changed in that area for ME....not for anybody else. A marriage should be 50/50 and it never was.....I changed for me for if and when he returns or for my next relationship..... You will be alright I promise you.....when you look inside yourself and dont like the parts of you that led to your marriage being destroyed those are the things you will change for you and your next chapter of your new life.....
My sister says that no matter what bad thing happens something good always comes out of it. Today that proved to be true.
I had gone to the VA Vocational Rehab office to see if they could help either get training for a job suitable for a gal with a BA or help me figure out what is wrong with my resume. Today was my 3rd appointment.
And the folks at the VA offered me on the job training at the VA, very likely leading into a paying GS job at the VA. The OJT is unpaid, with a small stipend to offset the expenses of working. I have a 10% disability from my time in the military, in case any of you wonder why I went to them at all....
Anyway, I do believe this is exactly what I need to do right now. The idea is that I will then have current work experience on my ever so dated resume. And of course it will get me on a schedule and give me something to do besides worry about weather or not STBXH has bananas! A win-win situation!
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm not sharing much on here lately, as heck, it has all been said!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, Your sister is so right about the silver lining. The clouds may look dark, but if you wait patiently and look within, the silver lining can be found!
I'm so happy to hear about your VA news. This is a great way to get your foot in the door. Do you have any idea when you will start the OJT?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm just got caught up on everyones threads. I'm hiding in my sewing room with my new TV that STBX didn't even notice I bought for myself. The kids carried off the crappy little one I had in here. I am listening to old country on Sonic Tap. Tempting fate. Sad as all this music is, it just doesn't make me cry.
I guess I am getting hru this all. Just like you all said I would. I made dinner, muffins for breakfast, did a ton of cleaning today. And now am getting caught up on some sewing projects. I watched one show with him while we ate dinner.
And began to formulate a plan in my little pea brain. One of the things where he and I went wrong was giving up the dinner table as a place to eat. We eat while watching TV. I don't know who might come along next in my life. But who ever they are, they are going to eat meals at the table, no TV, and they are going to be cabaple of holding a comversation with me.
STBX told me my dinner was good. It was an experimental brown rice, stuffed mushrooms, lots of veggies and just a little bit of pork. It was nice to hear him say something nice to me. And it doesn't give me any hope. He is just being nice to keep the peace.
I don't know much, but I know what done feels like. Part of me is looking forward to living alone. The part of me who was cleaning out great quantaties of old food out of the fridge today. The same part of me who did massive quantities of dishes today from all the crap hidden in the fridge.
I didn't hear from the VA people today. I have a personal theory that nothing happens on Mondays or Fridays. So I will call my employment counselor Tuesday morning to see what happens next. I should lay out my 'work' clothes and see what I have that I can wear. I will need a couple pairs of nice pants. All mine are either jeans or dressy. So I can do a little clearance rack shopping to fill in the holes. I have a lot of nice cartigans, layering is good here with the temperate outside COLD AC inside.
Oh, fate heard I wasn't crying, so "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro just came on.... But that is okay, because it is a smiling while crying kind of song.
Aloha,
Wendy
PS Wish I could hug all your necks!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, Cleaning is good for the soul. I'm sure your refrigerator is nice and clean and I bet you've got lots of room in there now!
You are correct about Mondays and Fridays....a large majority of people are off on either Monday or Friday that work for Uncle Sam. So, you are wise to contact the VA on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday of next week. I would definitely be hittig some of the sales going on right now to see if you can locate some nice slacks because you will need this if you are going to be doing OTJ training in the very near future.
Just remember...nothing moves quickly w/Uncle Sam and it could take a couple of weeks before everything is put into place. You will need to touch base w/them periodically until you get a definite date for work.
Enjoy your Friday and weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
