Just checking in. Overall it appears you are still attached. The feelings to protect. Rescue.
Read detachment again. It is unhealthy for you to think or desire that you can save someone from their own choices. It is called codependency.
You are allowing her to invade your process of detachment because you are waiting...starving for, some little crumb of evidence that she might be changing or coming around.
I will tell you as long as you are still in that mind you will not move forward...
If she did come back you would fall back into the same behavior and patterns that got you here.
Her meds. Her drinking. Indications that there is much more than you know (or need to know) going on inside her.
She needs to work through it.
And you need to let her do that.
Without you or your son being part of it.
Take your focus off her and place it on the dude in the mirror.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
On some level (he!! maybe all levels) I'm still waiting.
I still have hope.
I want to detach and just move on. I don't want to pine for her any longer.
But here I sit. Still having feelings for her.
How does one balance hope and detachment?
Reading a common theme in many threads, it appears that after the LBS gives up, the WAS often has a change of heart.
Has anyone R without giving up?
Why shouldn't I give up? Why can't I?
Sure it is a choice. A choice I'm currently just unwilling to make.
There is no nastiness going on between us. No love either. Just two people who have a kid. (A great kid that starts K this week. He is so fired up.)
Limbo. That is where I find myself these days. I'v read about it and now I'm here.
No ups or downs really. The roller coaster has settled down for the time being.
Despite how this post may sound, I think I'm moving further along the personal journey. I'm feeling more at peace. Just living my life most of the time.
We went to openhouse at school this afternoon. W and S came over a little before noon. I was expecting that we would go out to eat but somewhere in the unspoken I sensed that they expected me to cook. I just went with it and fired up the grill. While I was outside W made herself at home and went to work in the kitchen making a couple sides. I didn't ask, hint, and certainly did not expect her to do that. It was nice. She even set the table and made my plate. Weird. She hasn't done that for me in years.
She mentioned a job that she would be applying for back home. It is with the same company she works for now. If I understand correctly the powers that be would be glad for her to take the position "If" her current boss gives his blessing for her to leave his area. She felt like it would be a long shot as the last person who wanted to transfer out from under this boss was denied. And this person had a W sick with cancer and the transfer would make life easier for them to attend treatment and be closer to home. The guy eventually just quit.
So this is the second time since she moved out that she has told me about trying to get a job back home. That is good news. It tells me she does not want to make a life out here.
I don't either. My long term plans take me back home. I want to raise our S there. Close to family. Builing a house on my 20 acres. Spending weekends showing S the fishing holes and hunting hot spots that were passed on to me. Finding new ones. Getting involved in the family business that my father has hinted around at for years that he would like me to join.
It makes my mouth water just thinking about it all.
So why don't I just go you might ask. I ask myself that often.
My son. That's it. And that's all.
I can't be away from him.
The only way I would feel good about myself is if he came back with me. The only way that would happen is if I could somehow get custody. And the kicker is I don't necessarily believe he is better off with me than with W. I don't know how I could claim she is unfit. It would be an outright lie. And that's just not me.
The only thing I have is how she travels and could not care for him alone. And that is a big deal. But what judge would give custody to a father who wants to quit his job, and move out of state? Hmm.
So I make the best of what I have now with my eye on the prize down the road.
I also must admit that when I analyze her intentions to move back home, it tells me that there is not an OM. At least not a local one. If there were... would she still be planing and actively seeking to move back to our home area ASAP?
W has cut out the depressive tone in her voice she was having on the phone and in person.
She answers the phone when I call to speak with S instead of just handing the phone off to him.
She has asked for S to put me back on the phone about 3/4 of the time when she is done talking to him. It is usually only a couple of sentences, but never must have information. Just side not stuff she has thought of while talking with him.
So perhaps my positive demeanor has helped the comunication. Perhaps her meds are helping her out.
She told me about her last trip to the doc. The doc switched AD med. Said W should not need the xanex so often if the AD is doing its job. Made me feel better about the doc. Again I just listened and did not add any 2cents.
W came over before school this am. It was S's first day of K. We all went together. It was nice. She gave me a hug and put her head on my chest for a moment as he just jumped right in to meeting new classmates.
As we got back to our vehicles to go to work she asked if I wanted to come over for supper later. I said sure. It sounds like fun.
I'm glad she did. It will be nice to hear about how S's first day went first hand.
W just called to see when I would arrive, and if I liked the sound of the menu.
She then tells me about some guy hitting on her and asking her out today. She said it with an uggh at the end so I'm guessing she declined the offer. I didn't know what to say. So I said "that must have felt nice".
