I don't know Ad, you've turned a blind eye to his "secret motivations" by choice, and now you're feeling that your DB efforts have been ineffective WRT influencing H, even though you clearly really appreciate what they've done for you.
As we've seen on so many threads here, if his secret is that he's "in love" with someone else then you had no chance at all to draw him back to you regardless of how well you DB'd -- all you could do is tread water and not make things worse, and you've done that.
I identify with you and how you think in many ways, but one way we are significantly different is that I could not let the question of his secret reasons go unresolved. I admire you for having that self control, but I also think you are struggling to understand something that could be made clear.
Originally Posted By: Adinva
Why do I want to win back an H that doesn't miss or want an emotional connection?
I have spent more time thinking about this than I like to admit. I think what it comes down to is romantic love and chemistry -- something no one claims to understand the source of. You cannot will yourself to be attracted to someone, and sadly you can't will yourself to being unattracted to someone either. That's why detachment is so hard -- you can't just wake up and convince yourself that you are no longer attracted to your spouse.
Here's the thing -- if you look at how they look, act, and treat you now, you probably would NOT be attracted to them if you could see them with a stranger's eyes.
I think when you fall in love as a young person and decide to marry, you fall in love with the person, the "idea of the person", and the potential the person represents for you. Over time, your feelings are colored by the "idea of the person" that you retain, the potential of what the person can represent to you, as well as your accumulated joint happy memories. Therefore you see them as a package, the sum of which is greater than the individual parts.
I think that's how it works anyway. When I look at W I don't see a 45 year old woman, I see the 28 year old woman I met, the mother of my children, the person I shared my honeymoon and some great vacations with, the person I moved into our first house with etc, and I'm as much in love with that package as I am in love with the person.
That's why I think we want to "win back" our undeserving WAS -- you love the potential that exists to forge an emotional connection with this guy -- you believe that if he does eventually "get it" it will be wonderful, and it's somehow attractive to pursue that even in the face of terrible adversity.
Accuray _________________________ Married 16, Together 18 M: 43, W: 45, D: 13, S: 11, D: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Good Piecing 9/11 - 6/12 ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12 Working on what comes next...
I know I keep quoting your stuff. But this Sh!t is me to a tee!!!! I COULD NOT AGREE MORE. Sh!t, thank you so much for expressing how I feel!!!! It [censored]!n hurts...
