To Lovingly Detach

[Arsene]

Oh, And definitely stop the judging of their time together. It does NOT help your d to see that or feel it--it may well hurt her feelings and it smacks of the old Arsene you don't want to be. Besides, you think teaching her math is all that fun? Really?

You're putting yourself in the position of professor and she's student and that's that...my father thought that's what dads did...but he never PLAYED with us. Maybe your w is compensating AND besides, you don't know all the stuff they do or talk about b/c you are not there. Anyhow...

I'm very sorry about the custody problems there with the law. Seems you might want to act on your wife's good feelings/guilt, etc

Thanks 25. It's always good to smacked around by you. You are right, I am judging her again and even though it's only here, I should really try to get over that. I guess I'm still angry and venting but it's part of my 180s and I'm getting better (yeah, I know, it doesn't look like it but believe me I am).

With regards to teaching D8, the education system here is horrible and either tutoring of parental help is necessary. W and I have always shared the duty but now that I'm the main care provider, I'm doing more of it than before and this includes my taking care of math occasionally. The thing is, I always used to lose patience with D8 and math but I'm now learning to make it fun and not to push D8 to the point where she loses interest and it's been working.

Re: custody, I've spoken to 1 L and my C about it and they both agree, Not many expat Ls around I'm afraid.

Thanks MrBond and 25. I appreciate your input.

[Arsene]

By the way, I got DR today so tomorrow I'm starting to read it.

Just a quick question. I might have gotten a gig tonight and if all goes well I might be able to play there three nights a week if I can offer a different act. Now I can play one night on my own, one night with a friend of mine and I was wondering if it would be appropriate to offer the 3rd night to my W and play once a week with her. Music has always brought us together and it's one of the many things we did well together. It would help both our financial situations and it would perhaps serve as a reminder of the good times we had last year when we performed together. Besides, it would also be a chance for her to observe who I am becoming.

What is your opinion on this?

[Arsene]

I just slept over it. Maybe not a good idea.

[Aray72]

Arsene
I wish I didn't know exactly how you feel. Its the worst feeling I know. My ex H did the very same thing to our S8 as he was the only child that wanted to spend any time with his father. The OW (was a friend of mine..and neighbor...yes...) was there during my sons visits. This is the reason why the other 2Ss wouldn't go. They felt the betrayal too as they were best friends with her son. One thing I cannot forgive is the fact that they both comprimised the kids innocence, intergrity, and selfworth to name a few!!
Since my discovery that my ex bought a house and moved the OW and her son in, it was the first time that I was able to talk to him without becoming emotional and with convection. I was so proud of myself for standing up to him. After I was done talking with him, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I think I finally accepted that I will not keep living the way I had. I'm important too!
You too will get to this point someday. Mine took me almost 2 yrs. I hope yours wont be as long.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.

[MrBond]

yes. It's a terrible idea.

[25yearsmlc]

yes. It's a terrible idea.

Bond, curious...how come? I was thinking the money issue was helpful to both but maybe I"m confused.

Arsene, can YOU take all the nights? If so, do so.

But I thought this was something YOU were supposed to find a 3rd party to do for that night? I'm not clear.

In short, do not give your wife some of YOUR work,

b/c you need the income and it helps YOU and your d

and besides, let your w make it on her own or with her OM...

and she can come see you play if she wants.

Last but not least, hard as this is to hear, the 'new you" that you want her to see, is NOT nearly as noticeable as it FEELS to you.

The inside changes manifest on the outside MUCH LATER ON than we think. Plus even if they were real, and solid, which they are not,

they are not credible in such a short time period. And you backslide too, which undermines the progress so be careful of assumptions.

Only after she sees consistent change over a long enough time will she even believe they MIGHT be real

or lasting.

No amount of 180s RIGHT NOW, are going to make her believe you are totally different AND will stay that way.

She does not feel safe w/you - yet. So aside from normal boundaries you set and such, make sure she sees NONE of the old hot tempered critical you, whom she left.

Bottom line is she needs to believe marriage to you can be better/different than before.


I actually think time apart makes the changes MORE noticeable too. And she has not had time apart to miss you OR notice the new you (Not nearly enough time)

or to tire of OM....

remember,

(I know it's the 67894th time I've said it but it's true)

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

[MrBond]

IMHO it sounds just like more enabling. He's making it real easy for her. I haven't seen or heard her do anything to reciprocate.

[Denver_2010]

Great post for you to read by 25 Arsene! Great post.

I think that I agree with Bond and 25 on the issue of the work. Maybe I'm not clear either though. It sounded to me like you would be working together?? right?

Unfortunately, I think that it is a bad idea for now, so early in your sitch. Hell, I don't think that I could have done it at any point in my sitch if W was seeing OM at the time.

[Arsene]

Thanks everyone,

It's actually what I woke up to, myself. First of all, I'm not sure that I could actually work with her right now. Putting the act together again would require some rehearsals which means a lot of time together and with OM still in the picture, I don't know if I can keep my head on straight yet. Besides, as 25 said, time apart might make whatever changes I've managed to make so far more noticeable than if we're together so much.

Another issue is that she might just decide to get her other band in on the action and rob me of my gig (She might not do it consciously but the manager might ask her if SHE wants to do other nights at which point, her and OM might actually benefit from this).

Also, yes, I think that she should fend for herself and I don't even want to tell her about the gig. Let her hear about it through the grapevine, and as 25 said, she can come and see me if she wants.

You are right Bond, she hasn't done a thing to deserve my attention so far and being too close to her will not help me stay detached (as detached as I am now anyways). You are also right that I have been enabling her and I plan on stopping that as much as I can.

Yeah Denver, both Bond and 25 can be a bit brutal sometimes but I know I need their no-nonsense wisdom and I'm glad to have them around.

Again, thanks 25, Bond and Denver for your insight on this. I know I'm a slow learner but one thing i did learn is to sleep over things before acting on them.

[Arsene]

Thanks for your support Aray.

What you went through must be terrible. I just went through your thread and commented on the difficulty you're having when the thought of H and OW enters your mind.

As far as the effect on the kids, I wish our Ss didn't minimize the impact this has on our children. In their mind the kids will get over it and they are resilient but I spend all my time with D8 and I see a side of her that W doesn't see. I see her cry herself to sleep at night , I see her waking up in the night with nightmares, I see tantrums and anger, I see her grades deteriorating. W doesn't seem to think it's at all related to her leaving. I've always said I would give my life for D8 and i am now. I wish W was also willing to "give her life" for D8. This way she might have put more of an effort in saving our M. I know, I'm judging her right now but I also understand that I'm the one who pushed her this far.

In the end, though, I made myself (and my D8) a promise that I wouldn't give up on my M and my family and I don't know if/how long I can keep that promise but for the time being, I'm just happy getting through another day. Each day that I can live the changes in me is a step closer to being a better person. The kind of person anyone would be crazy to walk out on.