Thanks, Ad. I've been keeping up, just don't have much of anything to offer.
Ad, you have an incredible list of accomplishments. You really do. I'm not sure most of us can even identify a list like that, much less manage to overcome them. You should feel proud, not only for having accomplished, but for putting the work into digging deep and understanding and even taking on the challenge. It's very easy to just blame it on someone else as being "their problem." But you didn't do that even with no real encouragement--much less guarantee--of getting your M back. You can only come out of this a better person, whether with your H or not. In fact, it's quite possible that if your H came back as he has always been, it might not work for you because you are NOT the same person.
I had a thought this morning shortly after I got up. I don't know where it came from, maybe from something I dreamed or heard on the radio without really listening. It went something like, "Why is it that whenever people love something, they either have to own it or f--k it or consume it?" It runs completely contrary to the philosophy, "If you love something, let it go; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." We can't possibly own/care for/afford all the things we "love" and yet we have an infinite ability to love, which evidences that we can love without possessing. Throw in the economics theory of the law of diminishing marginal returns (the more you have of something the less you value it) and it makes no sense at all. We should want to grasp virtually nothing that we care about. It also might make people not want to be loved because they don't want to feel owned/possessed.
I certainly don't have this worked out in my head, and I'm not even sure what to do with it if anything. But it popped into my head again in regards to reading about you and your H, and the theories behind DB of not begging and acting "as-if" and GAL, etc. You said you still love your H. Is it possible for you to continue to love him in a similar fashion even when he is no longer your H?
If you "love something and let it go and it doesn't come back," does that mean you have to stop loving it? Is the problem with a M break-up the fact that the person we love is no longer available for us to love, or is it really that we are no longer getting what we want from the M? If the answer is the first part, why does the love have to stop? If the answer is the second part, is that really a good way to be in a M?
I love a ton of people. Not one of them do I care about because of what they do "for me." There are some people that I care about even though they annoy the heck out of me and I don't really care to spend much time with them. There are some people that I still love even though I haven't spoke to them in years. I'm not M'd to any of them.
It seems obvious to me that your H still loves you, based on him still doing things around the house or trying to make sure you make wise investment decisions (aka. controlling.) It doesn't sound like he is being cruel or vindictive. It sounds like he has been unable to work out a way to enjoy/appreciate your company or living with you. This is not a reflection on you personally, just a reflection on the combination.
So, if you're not getting your emotional needs met from your H, and seemingly haven't been for some time, what are you trying to save? These changes are for you, which is absolutely great, so they can/should proceed regardless.
