Divorced. My fault, and cant move forward

[MrBond]

"Nothing that I ever wanted,"

It's odd when you keep mentioning this. I mean, you had an A, then you had an EA with a trainer that you refused to stop. What did you expect? Would you consider it cake-eating what you did?

[Mrs D]

Thank you Carnac. I needed to read this. I understood the hurt that I placed on him, but I can honestly say I didnt realize HOW much hurt.

Ive always known it was him I wanted to be with. Like Ive said in previous posts, I have many issues. Im in therapy now to resolve those issues, and hope for reconciling with my H again if he will have me.

So thank you again for posting this for me and shedding some further light.

[Mrs D]

"Nothing that I ever wanted,"

It's odd when you keep mentioning this. I mean, you had an A, then you had an EA with a trainer that you refused to stop. What did you expect? Would you consider it cake-eating what you did?

MrB - its possible? My counselor thinks it has more to do with my not forgiving myself for the affair in the first place. Not being able to let myself be loved by my husband because of the guilt and shame I felt because of the affair - but wanting attention. Its definately possible that it was cake eating - either way - I didnt want that divorce. I am peeling back the layers trying to understand myself why this all happened, and why I didnt make it right. I love that man more than anything in the world. I made multiple mistakes. I can only learn from them and hope. Believe and have faith that my H will be forgiving and give me another chance to make it all right.

[MrBond]

Well I do commend you for trying now to work it out as always.

After your D went through, did your H tell you he was going to start dating or did he just do it? I think him putting it right in front of you was the catalyst for things to move on.

I feel he definitely has feelings for you, but is real afraid to get hurt again.

[Mrs D]

Well I do commend you for trying now to work it out as always.

After your D went through, did your H tell you he was going to start dating or did he just do it? I think him putting it right in front of you was the catalyst for things to move on.

I feel he definitely has feelings for you, but is real afraid to get hurt again.

Well, thats where I messed up again. After the divorce was final, he asked if we were going to see each other exclusively. Because we were.. I told him that if he was going to start seeing other people, I didnt want to know about it. A part of me thought that was the right answer because I knew I put him through so much. I guess I wanted him to date others to see if it was actually me that he really wanted to work things out with. I didnt think he actually would!! Now Im just kicking myself because that was never what I wanted. So now I just hope he realizes I am truly going forward with fixing myself and hopefully fixing us one day. I know its going to take time. And patience -something I am not good at.

The biggest step for me was acknowledging that I screwed things up. I never stepped back and made my mistakes my own.

[Mrs D]

Tonight I have another session with the therapist. This weeks homework was advising H I had to let him go. And then to write a letter to my Mom starting the forgiving process. As you all know, I really messed up the letting him go process for the week, but feel Ive started again since Monday. (I know - only two days)

The letter I had to write to me Mom was hard. See, she had an affair on my Dad when I was young and still yet to acknowledge she had. I grew up in a strained relationship with her because she had tore my family apart. I couldnt forgive her because she has always been in denial. My therapist asked if I had ever forgiven anyone for a lie - because that is basically what shes been doing for all of her life. So, I wrote the letter last night. It was hard for me to want to try to forgive her, cause then I have to try to forgive myself. In my mind, I am no better than her. I have destroyed my family by one - having the affair. And then two - by not fixing myself. The EA was wrong - I know it was. But the more I dig into myself, I hope to find out why - more than "you wanted attention and couldnt let your H give it to you because you felt the guilt and shame". As much as that could be a reason - there HAS to be more. I can honestly tell if the EA wanted anything more - I know in my heart of hearts that it would have never turned to anything more. I guess I didnt realize what an EA could do as much damage as what an actual affair could. Im not even sure if that makes sense.

I just wish I could take so many things back. But I guess I had to go through this to realize what I had done to want to make things better within me.

[MrBond]

Not sure what writing the letter is going to do. If your mom doesn't acknowledge the A, I don't think she's going to acknowledge your letter. I think to a certain degree, you want her to be apologetic and remorseful. There's a big difference between you and your mom. YOU have been remorseful while she hasn't.

When she doesn't show any remorse or apologies, etc., all she's doing is protecting herself like a shell. AFter all, she's not wrong so she can't be hurt. You want her to apologize to the scared girl you were all those years ago. Sometimes if you don't want to forgive her, you don't have to. Forgiveness has to be truly felt within. Maybe you pity your mom for being so insecure. Whatever the reason, you have to actually be a peace with it.

Also in terms of your sitch, the EA wasn't the issue. It was the A before it. Just when he starts trusting you again, you have an EA which you refuse to give up. Why should he trust you? For your sitch it's all about trust. You need to show him that you can be trustworthy. That's why it's important right now for you to say what you mean and follow up on it.

[Mrs D]

Thank you MrB. The letter isnt actually going to my Mom - I think it is just an excerise to get me on the road to forgiveness to her, and to myself. I do pity her to be honest. I see the woman that she is now - she is very unhealthy, very negative - a drunk. I think she holds alot of regret from her past. In all honesty, I wish she would acknowledge she did it for HERSELF, so that she may heal and become a better person as well.

Yes - I am different from my Mom in that aspect, but I also hold alot of shame, guilt and remorse for betraying H. I need to get to the point where I need to find peace within myself for doing that to him. And until I get to the core issue what the problem was - I dont think I can.

Hes told me alot that he doesnt know if he can ever trust me again, I am doing everything I know possible to show I can be trusted. I know it wont come overnight. I know he still loves me. I know that up to I guess almost 5 weeks ago, he wanted us to be a family. So I think there is still hope. I just need to work on me. Become that person that holds integrity again.

[mshaf]

Mrs D.

Just checking in. Consider yourself lucky, you have a pro on your side. I hope your day is going well.

[Denver_2010]

I actually copied it and pasted it into my journal so i'd have it to read easily without looking. Here it is.


FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO REALLY HAS CHANGED - AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET-

AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. -

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties/hurts that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H

and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.


****And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to "WIN".***

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell.

Yeah... damn, that was a good post. Remember it very well. It knocked me back in line at the time. I'm going to cut and past it to my journal too.

Thanks Carnac