Stronger

[mishka422]

Oh, I'm definitely not one for confrontation either. There are few times that I won't just put my opinion about something on the back burner to keep from escalating an argument about it. That goes for every aspect of my life, not just our R.

There is absolutely no reason for me to be so scared! It's not like I'm giving him any kind of ultimatum, I'm not asking for M. I just want an understanding. Simple? No. My heart still considers him my H and reconciling that to my head that says that a piece of paper is insignificant and no guarantee of anything has been really hard. I was raised to believe in the power of a M and this is so against the way I was brought up. Undoing all of that is really hard. I just think that if I can talk this trough with him I'll feel a little better about it. I need to be heard.

When we had an issue a long time ago I had convinced him to go to a C with me but then we lost our insurance before we could go and we couldn't afford it out of pocket. That was the one and only time I got him to consider it. When we separated he wouldn't consider it at all (of course he was up to his eyeballs in his A) and then once when he came back during that time we went to see the M couselors at church but he was sitting there with his arms folded and wouldn't participate. When he told them what he had said to me about staying unless he saw something wrong or until I brought up his A and then he would leave again they asked him if he heard himself basically dangling a carrot in front of me with his foot out the door...he told them to "f off" and left. It was super ugly. Not something I want to experience again.

I'm liking the email idea better and better. It seems so impersonal but then again I could at least get what I want to say out without backing up and giving up.

I'll post it here before I send it to him.

It still makes me very nervous.