Hello Lilly, first off thank you for the wonderful advice. I have been seeing a family counselor at the WOunded Warrior Clinic and have invited H but he has yet to go. Trust me, I called BS on his excuses from the get go, and even called his Behavioral Health Doctor and went to an appointment with him about it and we touched the subject but didn't dive in, I should have been stronger and just said it-- put it out there, instead of tip toeing around it, but I can't change it now. Once H is on his ETS leave, which will start next month I do want to suggest that we go see a counselor where he is honest about the affair and that he do the same with his individual conselor. I don't want to force him to talk, but I do feel a lot of this is deeply rooted and related to his war issues, and I know he does too. Its something he has to get to the bottom of. I did consult a military family lawyer, but he seemed more into "Screwing my husband over" than just giving me a peaceful divorce. He was like, take your husband's credit card and charge $4500 for my retainer and lets get started. I don't want to go to court over things. I just want an amicable process, that as little pain as possible if we even divorce. WIth my husband getting out around Thanksgiving and us being married 10 years in January I would have a right to ask a judge to honor a smaller percentage of the 50 percent because of how close wer were, but don't have the 100 percent. I am still staying in the house and won't take my name off of it, if we do split we just need to decide what we are going to do about it. Sometimes I talk out the side of my mouth, and as you know, so many people- like close friends and relatives are quick to judge and steer us "in the right direction" such as, move out, get your name off that house, he is a sinking ship, don't let him take you down too... yes, his life is changing, he made some mistakes, but even if he is a sinking ship, its one that I love and vowed for better or worse, sickness and in health... and my heart won't let him abandon him now... I'm not ready yet.. I may act all strong and confident, but it comes in waves... and then I lose it... at least I am not crying every day and eating better and taking care of myself more... I appreciate all the helpful information.. I have been utilizing the military one source and will also demand counseling once this is over, regardless of if it is online, military or a workbook we do together in private... something that works on us... thanks again for stopping by my crazy life story
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I totally understand where you are coming from. I agree that some lawyers can be jerks. I'm the same way, if it comes to divorce for us I want it to be as civil as possible. No crazy lawyer stuff. I don't know but maybe they have mediation specific to military situations. I hope things work out for you and your H. I feel the same way about my H, I want this to work but if it does we really need to figure out how to do this M thing better. I have a soft spot in my heart for the military, combat wounded get a little more slack in my book. I suspect my H has PTSD that's been un-diagnosis for a couple of decades. He isn't interested in hearing that from me thought. Best of luck to you.
lillystillinlove M:43 H:49 T:17 M:16 S:6 Bomb: 1/27/12 EA+ with close married family friend / ILYBINILWY H moved out 7/27/12 H is Extremely angry, stressed and unable to forgive
thanks Lily, I have a big heart for the military too- actually work for the Fisher House and love my job. I don't want crazy lawyer stuff and we are still best friends, oddly enough. I am just trying to take my time, but it does get hard sometimes. My husband doesn't want to be alone and I think that is also some of his problem as well. I think he does need the help he deserves to start dealing with his issues and strive for a decent life that he enjoys being apart of. Best of luck to you as well.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Things have kind of been on hold while I visit my dad during his chemo. I have been pricing apartments but am not really ready to leave the house and we can't really afford for me to. Once I return home from TN will look for a new counselor. I have been reading when good people have affairs and probably need to reread DB. So much is up in the air right now it's hard to know how to cope or what to do. I am trying not to rush into changes or quick decisions but it's hard sometimes. My H and I are supposed to talk about our living arrangements when I return and that seems to be looming over me. As I sit in a hospital room next to my father as he gets chemo I just really taking a break from everything and trying to clear my head. It's good to know I can come here for support. I'll keep you posted on my crazy life. I don't really want a divorce but things need to change I just don't know how to get that started. For now I want to redo our living arrangement so he isn't apart of my life unless neccesary. It's a lot to consider as he loses his job in Nov but I just can't live this way during the holidays.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
You're allowed to take a break from the situation for now.
And I suppose being with your dad through this helps a bit to put it in perspective. I know for me, while I was getting divorced, my best friend was having to put her husband (who has early-onset dementia from a traumatic brain injury) into a nursing home. It really helped me to keep my perspective - after all, I was just getting a divorce, it wasn't the end of the world.
Think strategically about divorce (if it comes to that). It's a business deal, in the end. If you have to "play nice" for a few more months in order to drag it out to ten years before filing, do so - it may really help you financially down the road. If ex cannot refinance the house in his name (I don't know how he could if he's going to be discharged in November - he wouldn't have the steady income they want to see to qualify) then you will have to sell it (are you underwater?). Start saving money anywhere you can - even a friendly divorce costs money. Check out the Dave Ramsey website for budgeting ideas.
Could you afford to move out if ex got a roommate to help pay the mortgage? If so, moving out now (so long as you can delay the divorce filing to January) might be a good move to help your H face the reality of the consequences of his actions.
I have a friend I could move in with whose husband is deploying in October so I could make the schedule with the house until Nov 1 or a week before Thanksgiving and move on then so I am atleast out of the house for the holidays but I would miss my dogs but in a divorce I wouldn't keep the dogs. This would not change our money situation but I would worry that she is in my house and if me leaving would look bad but it's something we are talking about. My dad suggested a protection order from him since he has war issues but it would keep him from the house but it would be hard to do that I think. Still making a game plan and just perhaps taking it a month at a time. Even suggested for the month of September he doesn't come to the house at all. We will see.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Regardless of how Jon feels, of how my marriage is, life goes on...
That's all I can say for now...
My only option is to focus on me. I am almost done setting up my exercise room and am working on cleaning out the front room, going through things to toss, sale or downsize basically.
I made an appointment with my primary care manager to get a referral for a counselor- for medication and counseling, I found a few that specialize in family counseling and one who deals with post traumatic stress disorder (which is what my husband is getting out of the military for).
For now I am goal setting and getting a life and kind of just putting my marriage on hold, if that makes sense.
I read "When good people have affairs" and it really was eye opening, I am reccomending that my husband read it and also told him that as soon as he can he needs to see a counselor that he can be 100 percent honest with and work on his life.
For now, I am just making the best of our time together- and being his friend.
My family is pushing me to make a decision, but I am not ready to close this door. My husband is still my best friend, and I cannot walk away yet or give up on the chance of working on this.
I am a little concerned about the holidays but I just found out that my friend's husband is deploying in October so I know I can get through the holidays with her and not feel like I am intruding on her husband and her time.
I just wanted to check in and give you an update. Its good to have a place to come and be myself and be honest. Thanks for listening.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Hello guys.. It's been about two weeks since I returned home from Tennessee, and I still feel like a mixture of emotions is going on. My husband spent the whole week at home last week, which was nice- and with it also being his last week in the Army we were able to get a lot of things accomplished that we had needed to do, and we even starting sorting things in our house.
Let me explain, we have two rooms that are basically full of "junk" or things that need to be sorted or tossed if that makes sense. I have been putting off going through these items, because I always felt like it would be a step towards divorce- but for now its a step towards making our place more like a home, or one less thing to do in the case of a divorce. Its just hard to go through memories, of ten years together, with everything else going on.
My husband has all of these- "plans" for us, and our future and paying off debt and he talks like I am a permanent part of his future, no talk of divorce, or even separation. BUT its like he is avoiding the elephant in the room-- his "friend." He doesn't "want to talk about it" or be "beraded" so he listens to me and how I feel, but its starting into the 9th month and I feel like things will never change. I don't think he would file papers, if anyone filed papers it would be me, but I'm not ready to do that, but at the same time, this isn't a marriage.
When we are together, we have a great time together, we can talk for hours and be productive and work in the yard or on the house or cook meals together and it just feels great, but then its like the phone rings and he has to go or he has to leave, and its just a constant reminder- that this isn't a marriage.
I am torn between just smiling and being his friend and putting my feelings on the back burner until I can go speak to my new counselor at the end of the month- she is a family marriage therapists and also specializes in PTSD, which I think is a big help. My husband is also starting personal counseling next month, his final date out of the Army is early November so there are a lot of changes coming our way- he will have to find a job, and set up his school stuff, and all that stuff. I don't know the "friend" fits in to that.
Like I said, I am torn between asking for time apart-- perhaps going on contact until I can meet with the counselor and really talk about things with a professional who can help me sort out these emotions... or just enjoying our time together and being his friend...
I guess I am due for another re-read of DBing... I did start to make plans for myself that don't involve him. For instance, when I go to the nail place I don't even think about what he is doing, I just say- yup the 19th at 1pm is good for me. I started classes again and started doing hobbies at home- like craft projects and meal planning to save money. So definitely putting my needs first and my schedule revolves around only me, I guess its just the part that I don't know what to do about my marriage that is nagging at me.
Well thanks for listening... enjoy your week!
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
But - short of moving out (which I know you're not quite financially ready to do until/unless the house sells or he buys you out, right?) - there is one other thing that might snap him back to reality.
I mention this cautiously, because it's tricky and not right for every situation.
But what I've often seen here, is when the LBS finally gives up and starts dating, the WAS finally snaps awake.
NOW MIND YOU, I am NOT suggesting you start dating. That's just asking for a complicated mess right now, plus not fair to whomever you might date.
BUT - if you can just get your H thinking about the idea - wondering where you are, why you were out late last night with a vague answer as to where you were, where those roses in the kitchen came from.........all without actually DOING anything you could be ashamed of later.......well, sometimes it does make them start to think about what they might lose.
Isn't it more fair to give him the chance to react to the idea of you dating NOW - without you actually doing it - that to wait until you're completely done and have him want you back when you're already over him?
