Tonight I have another session with the therapist. This weeks homework was advising H I had to let him go. And then to write a letter to my Mom starting the forgiving process. As you all know, I really messed up the letting him go process for the week, but feel Ive started again since Monday. (I know - only two days)
The letter I had to write to me Mom was hard. See, she had an affair on my Dad when I was young and still yet to acknowledge she had. I grew up in a strained relationship with her because she had tore my family apart. I couldnt forgive her because she has always been in denial. My therapist asked if I had ever forgiven anyone for a lie - because that is basically what shes been doing for all of her life. So, I wrote the letter last night. It was hard for me to want to try to forgive her, cause then I have to try to forgive myself. In my mind, I am no better than her. I have destroyed my family by one - having the affair. And then two - by not fixing myself. The EA was wrong - I know it was. But the more I dig into myself, I hope to find out why - more than "you wanted attention and couldnt let your H give it to you because you felt the guilt and shame". As much as that could be a reason - there HAS to be more. I can honestly tell if the EA wanted anything more - I know in my heart of hearts that it would have never turned to anything more. I guess I didnt realize what an EA could do as much damage as what an actual affair could. Im not even sure if that makes sense.
I just wish I could take so many things back. But I guess I had to go through this to realize what I had done to want to make things better within me.
M:43/ H:39 T:12/ M:9 S8, D15 M affair(one night): 2/09 M EA: 2/12-7/12 D:6/7/12 H: GF since 7/24/12
God,Family, and the Green Bay Packers. - Vince Lombardi