I have always wanted 7+7. I would accept alternating 4+3. My youngest is still nursing and very much dependent on W. I know that there are options (pumping, formula, etc). Even though I've seen the worst of her lately, she is and always has been a great mother.
Her actions do not = great mother. There is no option to choosing to be a father. You need to get them locked into daycare and school that is in range of where you live. Get some commitment here. If they move 100 miles. Your going to lose them if she gets her every other weekend system in place.
Originally Posted By: Faithnomore
I will be without a place to live come Sept 1. I have reserved a place beginning Oct 1. Until then my belongings will be stored and I will stay with friends. So custody becomes problematic for the month of Sept. The other issue I have is I am required to be on 24 hr call for my job 2-3 nights a week, it rotates, it varies, and there are emergency situations I get called in for even when not on call. I haven't figured out a schedule that gives me what I want (50//50), yet doesn't jeopardize my employment. There may be a solution, I just haven't been able to come up with one. Realistically, it would be very difficult for me to have my kids every other week, yet it's what I desire.
It would be great to think we could do a 7+7, and have W willing to swap days I have call, but I don't see a way to make it work without constant shuttling back and forth of the kids. Even I find that scenaro difficult to accept.
I'm not real sure what to do yet. I am gathering information, seeking advice, and praying about it. Ultimately, I want what's best for my children.
You need to be upfront at work about your concerns when you have your children. Do you not have any family you can fall back on ?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Personally, if my own wife were an obstacle between me and spending time with my kids, I'd think I was married to the wrong person.
I'm skeptical of any family lat attorney that tells me to "make nice." I'd want to fight like hell to save my marriage and avoid using an atty at all, but then -- if I HAD to -- I would want the biggest baddest bulldog SOB in the county.
Starsky
Agree. The lawyer should not care either way if your going to get back together. Their job is to represent your interests. I would go talk to another one. Especially one that is known to represent men's rights during divorce with a proven track record.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Also, decided to go dark after the events of last night. Not for DB purposes, but so I can focus on myself. I have received a lot of great advice, a ton of encouragement, many reality checks, and even some frightening conclusions of what my W may or may not be up to. (EA possible, PA maybe but really don't think so. The issue is her and I quite simply).
The issue is that she does not find you attractive and has found another man to fill her needs.
The sooner you can accept that brutal reality, the sooner you can become attractive again.
Loose those pink coloured shades and face the reality.
An attractive and confident man will not share his wife with another man.
She has chosen that.
You cannot fight her feelings with yours.
Let her go and lead your remaining family.
That is manly and attractive.
OM is the predator and your wife is a liar.
Raise above that and show respect and honour.
"W, I have been thinking about this and I agree with you. This is no longer working for me either. You have chosen to leave me so I respect your wishes. I did not wish this but your actions have spoken. I will make arrangements to move on with my life. I will not allow myself or my family to be disrespected this way anymore. From now on the only communication I want between us is about the children. For anything else there are attorneys."
I've been at this awhile now so I'll offer this advice... if it's a custody fight and time with your kids is threatened then yes, go scorch earth if you have to.
But at all times consider that you will be tied to her forever, and your kids are in the middle. What they want most of all is mom and dad together. If they can't have that then what they want is mom and dad who can work together for their needs. That's all they care about, their own needs and that's okay because they are kids.
If it has to be scorched earth then it has to be. But there are other ways to do it too. Divorce is a business transaction and it doesn't have to be about grounding the other out of existence. If she is intent on that then you have to defend yourself.
It isn't about "making nice". It's about showing your kids that a) adults can resolve differences without resorting to base instincts and b) compassion and forgiveness are powerful forces.
But you have to find your compassion and forgiveness for that to work. And trust me... that's really damn hard to do.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
One thing WHG touched on that I want to expand on is that thru the process, remember that your kids are watching you.
Thru my own sitch, I've tried to demonstrate to my kids that vows are important, marriage is worth fighting for, people can change, family is first, etc. Once I got this in my head, a lot of the decision making became easier and I can honestly say, whether my M makes it or not, I've done a pretty decent job in teaching my kids these things.
Thinking of it this way can give you that extra ounce of patience you sometimes need, the ability to walk away and cool down, the willingness to meet your S in the middle.
One thing WHG touched on that I want to expand on is that thru the process, remember that your kids are watching you.
Thru my own sitch, I've tried to demonstrate to my kids that vows are important, marriage is worth fighting for, people can change, family is first, etc. Once I got this in my head, a lot of the decision making became easier and I can honestly say, whether my M makes it or not, I've done a pretty decent job in teaching my kids these things.
Thinking of it this way can give you that extra ounce of patience you sometimes need, the ability to walk away and cool down, the willingness to meet your S in the middle.
This is a great perspective, and I absolutely agree with it. Where I tend to differ from some other "play nice" folks is that I also agree it's important for me to model for my children that sometimes you have to fight for what's right, and you have to stand up for yourself. Also, as a Christian, there was the whole issue of "how long will I condone unholiness (everyone's mutual knowledge of my wife's continued, unrepentant affair) in my marriage and in our family's home?"
Not very easy stuff, I know. Personally, I wanted to convey to my children -- especially my adult daughters -- that while I did not WANT to divorce their mother, and I was going to fight very hard to keep our family intact, that it was more important to me to "do the right thing" and maintain my own self-respect and dignity and Christian faith.
Thanks for the advice everyone. The hardest part of all of this for me is that we both a Christians as well. Both believe (or did) that God brought us together, and he wants us to honor our vows, they were an agreement before Him for the rest of our lives.
It's been an eventful, and unfortunately very damaging couple of days. I took the position to separate my sitch with my W from my sitch with my children. There is absolutely no way I will roll over and not fight for my kids and deserving role in their lives.
She approached me about seeing a mediator next week. I told her that I'm open to the thought of mediation, but will not do so before talking to an attorney. She took this as a threat and ended what to that point was a very civil conversation.
When she first DTB, we both stated that we felt the other was a good parent and didn't want to fight each other over custody. Problem is, what I meant by it was I would not seek to take my kids from her. She took it to mean that I would give her whatever arrangement she wanted without a fight. I always assumed we were both thinking of some variation of shared custody. Obviously not.
I told her I intend to fight for 50/50 or very close to it. She claims I'm reneging on the earlier conversation. I said you must be nuts if you think you can turn your back on this marriage, ruin my childrens sense of family, and think you can walk away with everything the way you want it. She said fine, I'm going to fight for full custody. I said fine. Realistically, she has no grounds to say I am not deserving of shared, but I fear the unknown and the possible chance she could win.
Her last comment to me was "you have finally eliminated any lingering love I had for you". That obviously hurt.
I felt backed into a corner with this whole D talk. When it came to her and I, I sat there and took what she had to throw at me without fighting back. In regards to my children, I plan to fight back fiercely. She apparently didn't expect it, and think she's kind of panicking about the thought of losing time with her kids. My hope would have been that she might look at the life ahead and realize maybe the best scenario would be to try and keep the family intact. Unfortunately, I think she's reached a point where she could never see herself with me again, no matter what change, what commitment, or what work went into repairing things.
I may have lost her for good over the last couple of days. I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make sure I don't lose my precious little girls along with her.
She approached me about seeing a mediator next week. I told her that I'm open to the thought of mediation, but will not do so before talking to an attorney. She took this as a threat and ended what to that point was a very civil conversation.
I'm not sure you had to tell her you were discussing with an attorney first. You should, but she didn't really need to know. Of course she took that as a threat.
Originally Posted By: Faithnomore
Her last comment to me was "you have finally eliminated any lingering love I had for you". That obviously hurt.
That's bull. My W said something very similar to me when I called OM's W and things got a bit ugly. It's an attempt on her part to hurt you where she knows you are vunerable....don't let her.
I wouldn't worry about what she thinks as much as I would think about what kind of man and father you want to be. If you didn't fight for your kids, would she respect you? Would you respect yourself? Would your kids understand?
Hang in there...this is tough stuff, and the WAS will say some nasty stuff to try to shake you. Stick to your guns, show your kids how a good man deals with tough situations.
