However, I should have noted in my last post that during my initial period of darkout with W, right after she left me, that I did NOT KNOW that her R with OM has become a PA.
Even so, I did not have much contact with her during that period. I went pretty much dark and waited for her to initiate contact.
I used the short, brief contacts with W to show her that I was making changes. This occurred when she'd call me or text me about something stupid, when I picked up SS to hang out with him a few times and when I dropped xmas presents for SS to W. I also used brief encounters that I had with her family to express that I was changing or that I 'got it'.
At one point, prior to me learning that W's R with OM had become PA, I asked her to do a couple of things and I was lucky that she accepted. A movie with SS and then a day to watch the SB. I used these opportunities as well.
HAD I known at that time that W's R with OM had become PA, I don't know what I would have done...
This is why I frequently make the distinction "Once you know that they're cheating, and THEY KNOW THAT YOU KNOW, and then you don't lay out firm boundaries . . . " etc.
I do think there is a big difference. Because if you know, but they don't KNOW that you know, then your "pursuit" will be seen in an entirely different light than if they KNOW that you know.
You know?
They'll still be avoiding having to make a choice, because they'll be getting some of their emotional and physical needs met by OM/OW, while getting the rest met by their betrayed spouse, but at least there won't be any of the whole "they're rapidly losing respect for you" dynamic going on . . . because they don't know that you know.
