Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[Denver_2010]

I have not thought of a timeline to be honest. I want to outlast to see if there is a chance.

Trust me, timelines are useless. Been there, done that. Did not work.

You are done when you are done. You will know.

[Starsky309]

However, I should have noted in my last post that during my initial period of darkout with W, right after she left me, that I did NOT KNOW that her R with OM has become a PA.

Even so, I did not have much contact with her during that period. I went pretty much dark and waited for her to initiate contact.

I used the short, brief contacts with W to show her that I was making changes. This occurred when she'd call me or text me about something stupid, when I picked up SS to hang out with him a few times and when I dropped xmas presents for SS to W. I also used brief encounters that I had with her family to express that I was changing or that I 'got it'.

At one point, prior to me learning that W's R with OM had become PA, I asked her to do a couple of things and I was lucky that she accepted. A movie with SS and then a day to watch the SB. I used these opportunities as well.

HAD I known at that time that W's R with OM had become PA, I don't know what I would have done...

This is why I frequently make the distinction "Once you know that they're cheating, and THEY KNOW THAT YOU KNOW, and then you don't lay out firm boundaries . . . " etc.

I do think there is a big difference. Because if you know, but they don't KNOW that you know, then your "pursuit" will be seen in an entirely different light than if they KNOW that you know.

You know?

They'll still be avoiding having to make a choice, because they'll be getting some of their emotional and physical needs met by OM/OW, while getting the rest met by their betrayed spouse, but at least there won't be any of the whole "they're rapidly losing respect for you" dynamic going on . . . because they don't know that you know.

Does that make sense?


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I view longer interactions with the spouse as potentially (If the LBS can handle it) being more benficial in showing changes.
Instilling doubt in the WAS, and not showing them that a happy, epathetic LBS might be better off without them or agree with their choices.

I, like you Starsky and Denver, and many other vets agree that "I will not be in your life" boundary is vital and required for a marriage to mend.

So, we agree there and always have.

I think we disagree on the when. And I don't have any faith in back channel information on something this important, in so much that the information isn't telephone game screwed up by the time it gets to the spouse.

So then what's your solution? Remain in the marital home together, as co-inhabitants (so they can see your changes being lived out in front of them), but no longer act fully as their spouse? (no LM, no "BFF", etc.?)

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I tell when you're upset you don't sign Starsky.

It's not my goal to upset you.

MY solution?

It worked for me.

YOUR solution worked for you.

And Denver's a mix of both at times work for him.

All of them, are based upon our Interpretation of MWD and DR.

Right now you're putting words in my mouth.

So then what's your solution? Remain in the marital home together, as co-inhabitants (so they can see your changes being lived out in front of them), but no longer act fully as their spouse?

Do I do that to you?
Do I make your solution seem...weak?

Do I deserve that?

There is more than one path, there is more than one right way to do this. As evidence by you, Denver and me.

[Starsky309]

I tell when you're upset you don't sign Starsky.

It's not my goal to upset you.

MY solution?

It worked for me.

YOUR solution worked for you.

And Denver's a mix of both at times work for him.

All of them, are based upon our Interpretation of MWD and DR.

Right now you're putting words in my mouth.

So then what's your solution? Remain in the marital home together, as co-inhabitants (so they can see your changes being lived out in front of them), but no longer act fully as their spouse?

Do I do that to you?
Do I make your solution seem...weak?

Do I deserve that?

There is more than one path, there is more than one right way to do this. As evidence by you, Denver and me.

Wow . . . mindread much? This was sooooooooooooooooo totally not what I meant . . .

[Starsky309]

So then what's your solution? Remain in the marital home together, as co-inhabitants (so they can see your changes being lived out in front of them), but no longer act fully as their spouse? (no LM, no "BFF", etc.?)

Actually, I was not upset AT ALL, and I suggested this as a very viable short-term "solution" for people. Primarily driven by the horrible economy, a LOT of married couples are opting for this, and staying in the same home while they struggle to reconcile their marriages (or even just agree to act as separated).

It was a very serious suggestion as to how to overcome the whole "how do I maintain my boundary, while still having them be near enough to me to notice my changes?" dilemma.

I'm sorry if it came across as anything personal, Jack. I HOPE that you would know me well enough by now to know that I wouldn't take that kind of swipe at you.


Starsky

[Denver_2010]

There is more than one path, there is more than one right way to do this. As evidence by you, Denver and me.

Agreed ^^^

I would add that, for me, there is no chance in h#ll that I would have continued to live in the same house, let alone the same bed, if my W was in a PA with an OM. I DO know that.

I can't remember if I've ever documented this on this board, but when I found out the W was actively confiding in OM and having an EA, which my W has confirmed, I believe, that that's all it was at that time, I was angry, I yelled, I threatened OM, and I kicked her out of the house. The night before this happened was the last night that she spent in our home until she moved back 2 months ago.

And that was just for the EA.

That is just me.

[bustingout]

Hi KD-

Yes, my coach emphasised this..positive interactions, not pursuit. For the reasons you posted...

[bustingout]

Has KG and BO tried other efforts first? What were the results, regardless of time frame. That could simply be an indicator that other soft approaches weren't working. Being dim / dark / NC for 20 months would possibly have the same results.

I have only tried LRT. That was the stage of my sitch when I found DB

[Denver_2010]

There is more than one path, there is more than one right way to do this. As evidence by you, Denver and me.

Agreed ^^^

I would add that, for me, there is no chance in h#ll that I would have continued to live in the same house, let alone the same bed, if my W was in a PA with an OM. I DO know that.

I can't remember if I've ever documented this on this board, but when I found out the W was actively confiding in OM and having an EA, which my W has confirmed, I believe, that that's all it was at that time, I was angry, I yelled, I threatened OM, and I kicked her out of the house. The night before this happened was the last night that she spent in our home until she moved back 2 months ago.

And that was just for the EA.

That is just me.

Oh... do have to admit that this was weeks before I found DB and DR or this website...

AND..

I spent that night and many more afterwards in the fetal position so to speak! LOL