Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[Denver_2010]

If they choose the OM/OW how will they see that you have changed as a person, if you're not going to be around them?

I will admit, it's easier for a betrayed husband (than wife) to pull this off, as women seem to be FAR better at the whole "trust me, it WILL get back to them" backchannel thing. But even when it's a cheating husband/betrayed wife, I do think that things get back to the wayward husband about the improvements that the wife is making back at home.

I also believe that you can demonstrate your changes during the brief encounters you have with them, as Denver describes in his most recent post. Not only in how you directly interact with them, but in how you allow them to see you interacting with others (your kids, your friends, neighbors, her family/friends, etc.).

If my wayward wife sees me being a great listener, empathetic and charming towards other women at, say, a block party (or if she gets wind that I was), it will register that I've made positive changes . . . without me having to charm HER while she's cheating on me.

Starsky

I know what Jack is getting at here. I agree with Starsky, who seems to agree with me!

However, I should have noted in my last post that during my initial period of darkout with W, right after she left me, that I did NOT KNOW that her R with OM has become a PA.

Even so, I did not have much contact with her during that period. I went pretty much dark and waited for her to initiate contact.

I used the short, brief contacts with W to show her that I was making changes. This occurred when she'd call me or text me about something stupid, when I picked up SS to hang out with him a few times and when I dropped xmas presents for SS to W. I also used brief encounters that I had with her family to express that I was changing or that I 'got it'.

At one point, prior to me learning that W's R with OM had become PA, I asked her to do a couple of things and I was lucky that she accepted. A movie with SS and then a day to watch the SB. I used these opportunities as well.

HAD I known at that time that W's R with OM had become PA, I don't know what I would have done... would I have invited her to do those two things? I simply don't know. It would have much more difficult for me to put myself in that position, that much I do know.

Almost immediately after learning of the PA, we went into that first period of trying to work on things... after that, my boundary was 'no OM if me' (although wishy washy enforcement at first).

So that's full disclosure.

Again, as I've stated many times recently, I strongly believe that there is no 'right' answer, that each sitch is unique, and that we all have to apply DB as a guideline to what we believe will 'work' for our own situations.

Generally speaking though, I don't think that I would advise spending time with a WAS who is actively dating or having an A with an OP.

If you were a real d!ck or b!tch with WAS prior to the S and the A, you may have to suck it up and open yourself up to spending some time with the WAS in the beginning. I don't know. Depends on what you can tolerate I suppose. I certainly wouldn't advise doing it for very long though.

I think this goes back to the Plan A/Plan B stuff again.

Now, what is your opinion Jack?