More patience??? Really???

[zig]

from greatwhitenorth:


Thought I'd share something I found on forgiveness that made sense to me. It's from the co-founder of The Forgiveness Institute.

He defines forgiveness as "The freely chosen foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it and the beyond duty act of overcoming evil with good by giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrondgoer does not forgive them."

The article this comes from goes on to say that "Forgiveness is not saying what happened doesn't matter. Forgiveness can be difficult if the offender doesn't admit to any wrongdoing. What happened does matter. By forgiving you are not condoning or excusing inexcusable behavior. After all, if what happened doesn't matter it doesn't need to be forgiven. Forgiveness is not giving up your right to obtain justice.... While forgiveness has nothing to do with whether our offender is willing to make restitution to us, our healing will be quicker and the likelihood of reconciliation greater if the offender shows remorse and takes actions to correct the damage he/she caused."

The article is about forgiveness as a tool to either save your marriage or help you to move on.

Hope it's useful.

[zig]

ces, thought i'd let you borrow what i stole from you


I stole this from ces

that there are gifts to these situations that take time to see. In the past I see how often I allowed life's circumstances to drive and move me. Even when I made choices, it was based upon what was happening to me rather than what direction I wanted to take. Now, through all this, I'm learning the power of conscious choice and conscious action towards who and what I want to be. And as I realize the liberation that goes along with this awareness, it brings a new revelation of how to be thankful even in times of trials.


so turns out , you taught me this first. you applied it to yourself, now one step further to apply it to your wife

happy pillow fighting tonight

[Breakdown]

Thanks Zig. 2x4 applied. I will think about this more this week.

[ces67]

You know, Zig, those arms of yours must be getting pretty toned with all the 2x4's you've been swinging! And using my own words on me.... Your ruthless! (in a good way).

Actually, I see my expressing these feelings as another lesson for me. As typical, I've focused much of my anger on the OM because I don't want to be mad at my W. But acknowledging it is the best way to deal with it.

I get what you're saying about forgiveness being a choice. However, I think it has to happen every day over a period of time until I can truly set the burden down. That's the process. I'm a slow learner so dealing with all this takes me a bit of time!

I do choose to be a person who forgives and sets down those unnecessary burdens. The dang thing is just so heavy and cumbersome that setting it down throws me off balance a bit!!

And regarding the view of my idea to set time aside each week to talk (I said "catch up" to my W)... point taken. It really was meant as a way to show an investment of time and commitment to listen and engage with my W. However, after taking a step back (or forced backwards by the blunt trama of an emotional 2x4) I can see how it is trying to move things at my pace and not hers.

She never responded to the txt and never mentioned it last night. I didn't either and just kept the evening casual.

And while I didn't instigate any pillow fights last night, I did take your advice in another way. My W has been reading those "50 Shades" books lately. I don't know much about them except that they're basically a bunch of sex scenes with bad writing in between.... So, I wrote a little note that said "maybe you should mark the sections you like and then give me the book for review", and placed it in the book with her bookmark. We'll see what happens.

Oh, and out of the blue, she slept in our bed with me last night. That's twice since she got back from her summer trip.

I have a meeting with my IC tomorrow morning to help me get through this resentment stuff that keeps creeping up on me. I also got back on schedule with a friend who I talk with every week but had slowed down over the summer due to his teaching schedule.

And Bug - I'm working on the meditation thing too. Even though I got distracted with thoughts this morning, they weren't thoughts of anger so I'll take that as progress!

[labug]

Getting distracted isn't a problem, you just come back and don't let the thoughts control you. And just keep coming back to the breath.

I was thinking more things like calling her and saying "Hey, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you." You could add something fun or sexy (maybe slowly). You don't have to have a big conversation, get off the phone first.

Have fun with it.

[ces67]

Good points Bug, I'm an expert in beating myself up so no one else has to.. I'll drop that practices as I learn a new skill.

We do call or txt on a daily basis now. Once in a blue moon its playful. But at least we are touching base more often now.

On a related note, the kids and I are having lots of fun and good talks lately. My D10 is especially more engaged with me and talking more than before the summer. W has also instigated family game nights where we just play a board game after dinner about once a week. Its been pretty fun.

[ces67]

So I didn't realize how much of my support activities has fallen to the side over the summer.

After my relapse of internal anger this weekend I got an appt with my IC today and just met with him. Very kind and wise gentleman.

During the conversation it occurred to me how much of my routine has shifted during the summer. Here's a list of what had not been taking place:
--Friday morning coffee with close friends before work
--Regular IC meetings for me
--Weekly phone call with a good friend is also an accountability partners since last fall.

Summer activites got in the way of most of these and I working to re-establish the practices. They are a great resource in keeping me grounded in who I want to be.

Not much new on the homefront. W has not mentioned my txt about talking so I've dropped it. No response to my note I left in her book either but it doesn't look like she read it any yesterday. Also, even though her pillow and alarm clock were in our room, she did not sleep in our bed last night. She may have fallen asleep with our D10 and just stayed up there. I was a bit sad over that to be honest. Was hoping for maybe a 2 night run before she backed off again. I acknowledged the sadness and then went to sleep.

[adinva]

(((CES))) you are doing well to recognize the support you need and get back into it.

[adinva]

(((CES))) you are doing well to recognize the support you need and get back into it.

[ces67]

Thanks Ad, like the song says, "we all need somebody to lean on." Yeah, I'll be singing that most of the day today. Which is actually a bit of a change since the last song I heard on the way home last night was Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff". I was whistling that all night at the house. However, I don't think my W picked up on the hint...

Journaling:
I can tell my W is processing a lot right now. Whatever it is, my speculation would only be mind-reading. She's distracted, not meeting my eyes in conversation, keeping responses rather brief. There is a lot going on in her head right now. I asked if something was on her mind last night and she said "no".

On the flip side, she's been busy too. The house is completely cleaned, the laundry is all caught up, she's staying busy with her work and picked up a new student to tutor. And I woke up this morning to find her in bed next to me. That's 2 nights in one week.

She is also being somewhat conscious of how she responds to me. I had asked her a question about her new student and she gave me a very short answer. Then a few minutes later she walked past and made a point to explain a bit more about the boy, what grade he was in and the fact that he is high-functioning autistic.

For me, I'm working through my feelings and setting them down. I think its important for me to process this and get my arms around it a bit more before going back to MC.

Piecing is interesting to say the least. I realized how easy it is to get drawn back into interpreting all the various actions & activities. I think there's a balance to letting my W know I want to work on our M and that I care about her and at the same time, detaching in a way to not get caught on the roller-coaster.

I've always felt "balance" was something I did well in life but I moved from a relatively flat surface to a 2-inch beam about 10ft off the ground. So I get off balance more often. The fall doesn't kill me but it sure stings..