If it's about your kids like that, you should always reply.
If it's not about your kids, and doesn't contain a question, generally you shouldn't reply at all. Ditto that texts that attempt to R-talk, or to suck you down into the pit.
If it DOES contain a question (say about some family logistics or finances of some sort), then wait a few hours and respond cheerfully with a "Sorry, just saw this -- busy day! Yes, I can thus-and-such, ________, just let me know -- thanks! Talk more soon. "
Agreed. Have you read DR? Specifically the chapter on LRT?
Denver,
Yes definitely have read the book! Just merely trying to get more insight, because I have always been one of those Gray area people and wanted to solidify. I always respond back about kids, I just don't do it as quickly now, unless it were to be emergent!
Someone once said as long as your thoughts are on your H(W) then they aren't on you. And if his(her) thoughts aren't on you then no one in the sitch is thinkging about you....anyway what got to me is that I am worth time and energy and that by detaching I took my focus and energy off him and put it on me and I found that I was giving so much of my time to thinking about him that I was empty inside and I didn't know until devote so much of my energy to myself. I hope that makes sense.
If you feel like texting or calling here post here first and give it 24 hours. I learned that if I stopped reacting to my emotion, I generally made a better decision later on!
Brit,
Compared to me, everyone on here is a Vet...LoL!
Your insight definitely makes sense, and since I have started to take some of that thought and focus off of my W and redirect it to my kids & myself, it has been tremendous. I am an avid runner and usually log around 25 miles/week. Since this has started, I have cut down to almost nothing & managed to lose 30LBS in the process, which is a lot considering I am 6' 3" and weighed about 190. For about the last 2 weeks however, the energy is coming back & I have been able to get back at it and rejuvinate that aura that I get when running.
Someone once said as long as your thoughts are on your H(W) then they aren't on you. And if his(her) thoughts aren't on you then no one in the sitch is thinkging about you
I like this! I think I will have to engrain this into my brain! Keep em coming guys/gals
I must stay strong! I now found out that I will be traveling up until September 28th, with some weekends home mixed in there...Work/Reserve Duty travel and all in the middle of my D's softball season, which I am fairly involved with!!
On a positive note, it will give the W some time with kids and get her back into the routine of having to get them up for school, make lunches, practice etc., which I have enjoyed being able to do. She also teaches full time at their school now, so that will help ease some of the burden of logistics etc.
Wife just txted me and asked if I looked over the papers yet...I am not sure if/how to respond if at all. She said she wanted to keep this out of court like my previous posts on here & just do this together.
I have looked them over and made my changes, but don't want to give them back to her yet. Since they aren't officially filed with the court until we come do an agreement, I don't know what to do???
Denver stated I need time & should buy as much as possible. She hasn't reached out to me other than kid logistics, so we haven't had any arguments or tension between us. I did however txt her this morning to let her know I woul be out of town for 2 weeks starting Sunday. She said ok this morning, and just now txted "Have you looked over the papers? I knew about the Reserves error....
Do you think she was just asking general question? Or do you think that she is trying to move this along?
Wife just txted me and asked if I looked over the papers yet...I am not sure if/how to respond if at all. She said she wanted to keep this out of court like my previous posts on here & just do this together.
I have looked them over and made my changes, but don't want to give them back to her yet. Since they aren't officially filed with the court until we come do an agreement, I don't know what to do???
Denver stated I need time & should buy as much as possible. She hasn't reached out to me other than kid logistics, so we haven't had any arguments or tension between us. I did however txt her this morning to let her know I woul be out of town for 2 weeks starting Sunday. She said ok this morning, and just now txted "Have you looked over the papers? I knew about the Reserves error....
Do you think she was just asking general question? Or do you think that she is trying to move this along?
Advice or perspectives???
Suppo
I think that she is trying to move it along, sadly. You still only have the two choices that we talked about above. Again, others may disagree, but I STRONGLY believe that buying as much time for you M, and putting the emotional work on W is important. The risk is that you p!ss her off. But what's she going to do if she gets p!ssed over you not going along with the D easily? Divorce you?!
This was key to my personal sitch. As always, one size does NOT fit all.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I don't know honestly! I didn't respond to either text/question after she sent them per advice from ya'll & DR book etc... The text she sent right b4 the one about asking if I had a chance to look through papers for errors, was asking what time I leave on Sunday, & what time I come home on Friday the 31st. She sent another text somewhat shortly after asking if I would rather pick kids up from their school today (previously posted wife now teaches full time there), or at the college she has been going to full-time last 2 semesters. So I responded to that one stating that I would pick them up from the college b4 she went into her class. She said ok, cool I will be in parking lot by math building around 5:45ish & never ever brought up the fact that I didn't respond to her previous 2 texts.
So I picked up kids in parking lot. She was running late, so she didn't talk or even look at me. She just grabbed her bag & walked toward school. I didn't read too much into it though, cause I stayed in truck until kids jumped in. It all happened rather quickly for an exchange of kids because I think she was worried bout being late for 1st day of class. I think she is definitely staying busy with full-time teaching & full-time school, and hasn't really had to worry too much about kids cause they live with me full-time. It's very weird cause she was always Mother of the year thus far when it came to the kids, But once this all started & she started school full-time again, she really seems quite content with just seeing kids whenever.
Kids tell me when they are at her apartment, that she is very hostile to them & spends most of her time on laptop doing homework. If not on laptop, she is taking them to grab stuff from store or drive-thru. She will have it very differently next 2 weeks with me being gone & her having to get them ready for school, full-time work, & college. I hope it works out & know kids will be fine, I just don't want her to be so stressed out with all she has going on, that she takes it out on them while I am gone.
But there I go again over-analyzing things once more! Maybe she really is quite content with her new life? Like Starsky says: "One will never know what is (or isn't) in the mind of that little wayward spouse of yours"!
Wife just txted me and asked if I looked over the papers yet...I am not sure if/how to respond if at all. She said she wanted to keep this out of court like my previous posts on here & just do this together.
I have looked them over and made my changes, but don't want to give them back to her yet. Since they aren't officially filed with the court until we come do an agreement, I don't know what to do???
Denver stated I need time & should buy as much as possible. She hasn't reached out to me other than kid logistics, so we haven't had any arguments or tension between us. I did however txt her this morning to let her know I woul be out of town for 2 weeks starting Sunday. She said ok this morning, and just now txted "Have you looked over the papers? I knew about the Reserves error....
Do you think she was just asking general question? Or do you think that she is trying to move this along?
Advice or perspectives???
Suppo
Sorry, just saw this. I would have advised you to wait several hours, and then respond "I'll have to look them over when I get back from my trip, and we can discuss then."
You can't STOP her from divorcing her, but you certainly are under no obligation to HELP her speed it along.
Sorry, just saw this. I would have advised you to wait several hours, and then respond "I'll have to look them over when I get back from my trip, and we can discuss then."
You can't STOP her from divorcing her, but you certainly are under no obligation to HELP her speed it along.
Starsky
I agree with what you said Starsky! I didn't respond to it yesterday, but she sent same text this morning, so I think I will respond with what you said.
I also agree with Denver, in that I need more time. Because for some reason i still firmly believe that she Loves me and wants to work through this, but it is still early & she technically has only been living on her own since June 25th. Before that we had an in-house separation in which I pursued etc...
The text seemed more like a general inquiry of whether or not I have read them yet, especially since she put that she noticed the error on the front page about the wrong Branch of Service for the Military.
But as it has been stated before, you never really know what's going on in a WAS head!
I am not looking forward to being gone for 2 weeks (& will miss kids etc.), but maybe it will be a good thing, because i really have no reason to communicate with her while I am gone. Especially since D12 has her own phone & I can just call her to speak with kids.
