Interpretation of MWD and DR regarding infidelity

[Denver_2010]

KG and Bustingout,

From what I understood in this thread, Denver's W returned when she trusted him and came to believe he could meet her needs better than OM.

So my dilemma is how would I be able to show a stubborn, resolute H that our M can work by going dark and detaching, thus leaving OW to continue fulfilling his every need.

On the other hand, I am not saying I will let him come and go as he pleases or that I would sleep with him if he wanted to. That is a personal boundary I would enforce. So where do I draw the line and how can I reconnect?

I hope I am making sense here. This is something I have been struggling with for a long time - boundaries vs. doing something different. I am glad it's being addressed in this great thread and I would welcome any feedback or further opinions anyone else may have.

I 100% agree with what Starsky said regarding this^^^.

I don't know either of your situations, but based on what I believe that you are saying, I think that maybe I need to distinguish my situation a bit here.

I did have the exact same problem. I had not met the emotional needs of my W bc I was emotional distant during our R/M. Details are in my threads, but it was pretty bad.

I also struggled with trying to balance doing my 180 regarding my emotional distance with dealing with an OM.

However, I STILL used distance to my benefit AND STILL never allowed OM to be in my W's life in any way as long as I was an active part of her life. Personally, I was not capable of that, but I also don't think that it was healthy for anyone involved. And it would not have helped my situation because, as Starsky pointed out, my W would never had a chance to miss me or think that she actually might lose me.

Periods of almost complete blackout: 1) immediately after she left; 2) End of May/Beg of June 2011; 3) August-Sept 2011; 4) end of Jan 2012; 5) May of 2012.

During each of those periods of time, except for January and May of 2012 (and even then she was talking to him) W was "dating" OM.

During the gaps in between those periods, W and I were hanging out a lot, dating, and trying to work towards W committing to R. But, she was NOT, having contact with OM. She did omit the truth a few times that I busted her on, which led to the periods of no contact.

Those periods of no contact occurred because my boundary was "I will not be a part of your life if there is ANY OM in your life".

The distinction between my sitch and what you two are describing is this:

I had the opportunity to show my W my changes because she allowed for those periods of time when she WANTED to work on our R/M and had decided that she was done with OM.

I was lucky that I got those opportunities. And this is where I think that Starsky always wanted to hit me upside the head... I allowed my W back into my life too easily. She would say that she was done with OM and that she wanted to work on us. I would want the opportunity to spend time with her to show her how good our M could be with my new found changes. This is where I struggled to balance things and with my boundaries.

But NOT when she was actively seeing OM.

During those dark out times, I would only have contact with my W when she initiated it or when I was setting something up to see my step son.

During those dark out times, I was waiting out the R with OM. I truly tried to work on detaching myself from W during those times. I knew that there was the possibility that her R with OM could grow and that it could ultimately result in her calling me to tell me that she was ready for a D. But I HAD to let this happen and let the cards fall as they would. As Starsky said, our S's are/were not going to see our changes as long as OP is involved.

I always had faith that I was the better man and that it was just a matter of time before W would see that and end things with OM. That is how I survived emotionally (but barely).

How can you show your H's 180s or that you are doing something different during periods where you remove yourself while they are with their OW's? Your only opportunities will be the brief encounters that you may have when they contact you, when you have contact re children, bills, or whatever. You use those brief encounters to be upbeat, happy, funny, attractive, and whatever else caused them to fall in love with you in the first place. But you DO NOT pursue.

This is how I handled it. And it was most important during the time right after my W left me. My contact with her would sometimes only be a minute or two. But I made sure that I was those things ^^^.

Each time that we had of those darkout periods, my W would end up initiating contact with me. A ridiculous text about how to make spaghetti sauce, about a sale at Banana Rep, whatever... then a little more contact... then she'd be saying that she missed me and loved me...

She came to me. I did not pursue her. I think that one possible mistake that I made was allowing her back in too easily.

So THAT is my point: You have to wait out the A's, if you want and can... and you have to let your H's come to you.

If they don't, then Chatterbug is probably correct... it is an exit A.

I know that I'm long winded, but I hope that made sense.

Denver