14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Yes, hello CV I missed you. My answer is I don't. I'm not in it to win it. I gave this lots of chances and lots of work. I'm not in a hurry to get divorced but I'm not stopping it if that's his decision.

I know in my heart I did everything I was capable of, left no stone unturned, made myself completely vulnerable. I learned why I was reactive and oppositional and I am no longer either of those things. I learned why we had such trouble talking intimately and I have practiced all year on safe and deeper subjects, testing my ability to communicate with H. I feel a lot more confident in my ability to do that, and have noticed its effects at work and with my kids too. I learned that neat and messy can coexist through cooperative negotiation and have put that into practice in my house, creating more peace than we had in years. I learned to separate my identity from my H and kids and not to try to manage all of their thoughts and emotions to match mine - I learned to see them for who they really are and appreciate our differences. I learned that my H can hurt me to the core and I still love him and want him, but not to the detriment of my fundamental needs. I know WAY better now how to get my needs met without resentment, whining, manipulation, anger. I know now not to stuff and ignore my needs, they are important to me.

So I've completely let go of the idea of winning or losing in this. Either way I come out I come out much better off. I'm still extremely hurt and angry that H is unwilling or unable to be a husband to me, but it is his decision and I've decided to respect it.

My question was in response to suggestions that I continue db-ish tactics like acting needy as a way of appealing to his attraction to "damsels in distress". I don't think I'm in 37 step land anymore, trying to get control of myself in the initial shock of a bomb. I'm in the time part of the consistent change + time equation. I'm not done improving as a person and relationship partner; I think that's a lifelong goal.

I will not call off our impending divorce if there is no reason to believe he will do any work on our relationship. So far he's given no reason to believe that.