Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

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I tried responding a few days ago and I guess it didn't work? Or maybe it's still in moderation. Anyway, trying again. This is from Monday...

Thanks for the responses. I had been checking but my post was moderated so I didn't see when it finally went through.

Accuracy.. Thanks so much for the thoughtful response. Good to know that my reading of the situation isn't as crazy as she's trying to insinuate. One of the things I said to her when she asked to separate is that, really, that's the first concrete thing she's asked me to do, so I don't see how I could refuse that.

Kaffe, I'm 34, she's 33. No kids. Specifically, W said that we don't have anything in common anymore, I'm very critical of her and emotionally remote. Oh, and our sex life was terrible. She felt like I'd pushed her away in lots of little ways. But honestly, I don't know how true a lot of that is. I feel like I've been reaching and reaching out to her even before this bombshell, for the last 6 months to a year at least.

Honestly I think her complaints are more historical than current. These are things that we've had issues with in the past, but I feel like I've addressed them to the best of my ability at the time. Feels more like rationalization to me. That said, I do recognize that I have a whole lot I want to change about myself, and working on myself is really the only thing I have under my control.

Maybe some history is in order. We almost got married once before.. We started dating when I was 18, she was 17. Dated for 5 years and decided to get married. A year after our engagement, and 2 days before we closed on a house, she told me she wasn't going through with the house, the wedding, any of it. She was done. I saw her once or twice after that due to having to tie things up with the house.

Fast forward five years. She messages me out of the blue on Myspace. We start seeing each other again, after a few months decide that we made a mistake not getting married before, and deicde to get married. She promises not to build the wall up, and I promise to listen better to her so that she doesn't retreat from me. Well, I guess neither of us were very good at keeping those promises, although in hindsight I don't think we knew what we were doing to each other.

I think W really did put herself out there for me for a long time. She would make dinner for us, she woulnd't work extra hours or anything, and she would discuss her problems with me. She was jealous of the time I'd spend in the office, working on music or whatever I was doing to blow off steam. She was hurt by things like that, and at the time I didn't understand why. My response was to slowly stop isolating myself and to try to be more attentive when she was home. I wanted to be more available to her when I could, because she'd told me so many times that that's what she wanted.

One of the benefits of counseling is that I've learned so much about how to listen and validate without trying to 'fix.' I'm not a pro yet but I feel like my eyes are now fully open, and that I'm able to communicate (and more importantly, LISTEN) much more effectively.

But at this point I think it's too late to go back to what she USED to want/need. My biggest problem so far has been that I've confused what she told me in that PAST with what she's telling me NOW.

As for what I'm doing for myself.. Over the weekend I went out for a motorcycle ride with a friend, that was a lot of fun. Yesterday I pretty much just stayed in and did some stuff around the house. I am not the hardest worker around the house so that is somewhat of a 180 for me.. Been working on that since this whole situation started. Other than that I've also been working on riding my bicycle to work more and seizing opportunities to make new friends and see more people.

One thing I know I have to work on as far as the last resort technique is that I probably haven't projected the cool, controlled and happy persona that I should be. I will walk in and say "hello" if she's around, but I know my smile seems forced.

I did make the mistake of asking about her rings on Saturday night. I said, "you don't have to hide your left hand from me." She said she'd taken them off last week since the marriage "didn't mean what she thought it meant." Apparently that's something that *I* had said. I said that it felt like she wasn't trying and that she was more done than ever, and it hurt my feelings, so that's why it upset me. But I did keep it short at least. I apologized for the intrusion and I left her alone after that, but I know I didn't do myself any favors.

Tomorrow we have another counseling appointment. We're supposed to talk about a controlled separation agreement I think.

Today I texted her for the first time in a week, I asked if she needed anything from the grocery store since I was going to go after work. Part of me feels like that was too much, could be considered pursuing... and part of me feels that it's benign, just a practical matter.

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Here's today's entry:

We went to the marriage counselor yesterday. The counselor seems to be pressuring W to commit to the relationship, I think because the counselor feels she can't help if W isn't committed. Fair enough, but I'm not sure that's what W needs to hear right now. Counselor said it was obvious I was trying very hard but that I couldn't do it by myself.

What W did say is that she actually felt herself starting to relax in the last few days. We didn't bring up a controlled separation agreement or anything. W wants to keep things status quo for a while and think a bit more. So, separate rooms, separate lives, etc.

After counseling, W and I went to dinner. We talked a little bit about relationship stuff (I couldn't help myself.. argh), but mostly tried to keep it light and non serious. I offered to go for a movie if she wanted to relax a little. (I know, I know, pursuing..) She declined, said she had stuff to work on for school. So I offered to just go for a walk to the mailbox, and she declined that too. When we left the restaurant, W stopped for ice cream on the way and I went straight home (we'd driven separate to counseling because I came straight from work).

So.. I need to relax/detach a bit more. Also, I think I may have gone straight to "after the last resort" rather than the "last resort" in some ways. I basically made an effort since last week to not contact the wife at all -- as if we were living in separate locations. So, if she was in her room and awake I would not knock and say hello if I came home. I would not tell her if I left, etc. And one of the problems in our marraige was that she felt like I cut her off, so I don't want to exacerbate the problem by being too remote.

Last night, she was still up when I went up to bed. I knocked on the door, came in and said goodnight. She had one of the cats with her so I gave the cat a good rub. Today, her alarm went off while I was leaving, so I came in and said goodbye and have a good day. I still don't know if even that is too much.

In other news, she has turned her twitter account to 'private' which means I can't see it anymore. She also made 4 posts on facebook about her ice cream and a tv show she was watching -- but no mention to me, even though I'm in the same house. I was not invited/included in the tv show watching or ice cream. I noticed all this, but did not mention it.

So, I know I shouldn't believe what she says, but it was good to hear her say to the counselor that she was relaxing a bit. And, even though she went back on plans we had for our anniversary this weekend (we were going to take a long weekend, been planning it since April/May), she did agree to go out on Thursday for our actual anniversary. I can sense her guard coming down a little bit, I just need to keep control of myself and let her come to me.

Another thing I need to work on.. Let her start the conversation. This is going to be tough for me, I am a chatterbox and very sensitive to the dead space in a conversation. I've been good about keeping topics benign for the most part, but I need to lay back a lot more and let her lead. It feels like she will never say anything, that she's so closed off she won't ever make the leap.

I read some more Pema Chodron last night. That is very helpful.