14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

Thanks CES. I guess I don't feel like I am waiting. I hope and am emotionally ready for a time when H says, wait, this isn't what I want anymore, can we work this out? I would say yes, if I have a partner who's interested and trying, I can give it a good shot.

Rather than waiting, I'm just slowing rolling with what's happening. I'm not rushing to meet with my financial advisor who will prepare the financial aspects of our separation agreement. But I did finally after about 2 weeks mail her the contract and a check to work with her on this.

I'm not rushing to set up an appointment with my L to write up the rest of the separation agreement, but I've come around to believing handling it that way at H's suggestion is in my best interest. I didn't want to "help" this much but refusing to do these on principle can hurt my future and my kids' future.

I think letting go of the rope means going ahead and working on a separation agreement if that's what H wants.

There's a chance of what a lot of us are afraid of, that if we don't keep holding the rope our WAS will one day say "Why didn't you even look back once? I didn't really want this." In my case, when I really look objectively at my sitch, I think my H knows well enough that I don't want this, and that I haven't put any obstacles in the way of changing his mind. So that line of thinking is just plain denial of reality.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm not trying to speak H's love language and be someone he'd want to come back to. I have been doing acts of service such as driving him to and from airports, which I know he likes, and being more conscientious about taking care of the house and yard, and following through on things I say that I'll do that he wants done. I'm cooking meals that he's welcome to, and cleaning up after them. I've thanked and appreciated verbally his doing the laundry which is his responsibility anyway, and fixing the garage door, and big praise for his electric fence which is such a clever and well engineered solution for our runaway dog. I've stopped resisting him just because our opinions differ, and so now our two dogs are cropped short. He's having such fun controlling the length of their fur that he mailordered a new clipper and mentions it a couple of times a day. I told him they look cute and probably feel much cooler. I've completely stopped challenging his staying in bed all afternoon and evening and instead just try to have fun activities or meals in the house that he can join in when he comes downstairs. I've lightened up bigtime, and I don't think I was that much of a nag to start with. I'm leaving a lot more room for who he is rather than telling him how I think he should be.

What I can do that I haven't is ask for his advice on my life and disability insurance quotes. We were at loggerheads on that because he was mad that I didn't do things his way before he even told me what his way was. He expects mindreading and is mad when I'm just not his way to start with. He was sarcastic and loud about his opinion when he heard I got a quote and he cited his years of insurance sales training and success record. So I tried. I told him what I supposed the reasoning for insurance to age 70 might have been and pointed out that if he were advising one of his customers he wouldn't be able to use "well that's just ridiculous" as his reasoning, he'd actually have to provide a reasoning. Since I'm his W he skips the explanation and just expects me to do as told no questions asked. Well I need to sort out my own information now, but I'll listen to his contribution if he wants to provide it.

News on the home improvement front - my parents decided to decline my offer to share housing with them. Also my S12 asked me not to get a renter, he just would like to have our house to ourselves. I don't want to disregard his comfort - just because I liked having a college student around doesn't mean my kid did.