Thanks all For helping me out. I really appreciate it. I have a DB coaching session tonight. Heard good things about it so I am looking forward to it. I am doing 3 of em. Gotta think of a title for new thread too!
Talked to DB coach. I Spoke to a coach and my h came home halfway through. Took my phone outside. Then when I was done I told him I was on the phone with a counselor. H acted annoyed. I told him I was going to talk to someone and he said I should He won't. Still distant but talking to me a little. I think he is mad about yesterday. The coach said alot of what I have gotten on here but she said he also needs to see how he has hurt me. I wish. He is out walking like he does when he wants to think.
Dear t2 When my husband came home last night he was early, that is rare for him. I mentioned that he seemed annoyed. Well later we talked and he was really pissed off. He said he couldn't believe that I was looking over his shoulder like that (said it twice)when he was looking at the OW's street on google and it reminded him of how he felt about our marriage in the past. The bad feelings when things were goin south. He said he can't live this way and said he had nothing to hide. I told him you have nothing to hide? He said no. So I told him okay then I believe you. He sais no you don't. But I said I can't live this way either I guess I am going to have to put my trust in you. I told him I was upset too, the night before and yesterday and he is not the only one going through bad times. He said "not as bad as me" I said "yes, I am struggling with this. I am not perfect and neither are you. I am not superwoman. It really bothers me that you see the OW at work and there is nothing I could do about it. I wish she wasn't there." I told him I wished he could see things from my perspective, put himself in my shoes, and that he seems unable to at this point.
So we talked about other things, but I know he is still upset. I didn't apologize because it still bothers me that he lied and didn't come clean about that. Just got mad. But I am putting this behind me now. This week has been crappy for me. I have seen how bringing up the OW has just brought a lot more bad feelings for me. So I'm stopping that.
He asked me about going to my dad's cottage this weekend, If I still wanted to go and I said yes. So we will see if this frosty attitude of his subsides.
I know it is very hard to "trust" him again, but you've got to step back and allow him to grieve the loss of this woman. It is more difficult for him to mourn the loss when they are working in the same place.
Both of you have shared some personal feelings w/each other. Now, you will need to step back and do not bring up the ow again. You are allowing her to have entirely too much power over your situation. Put thoughts of her in a box and stomp on it.
Reconciling after an affair is difficult for all concerned, but most importantly trust has to be earned and your h will need to earn your trust once again and he will learn this as time goes by.
Try to enjoy your time at the cottage...leave the situation at home and just enjoy your time w/your h.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly I have been told that before, that I give that OW too much power. I am really going to make a huge effort to shut up about it and bite my dang tongue. Ugh! Thank Goodness for all of you on this site! God Bless. I promise I will be a pleasant gal and will enjoy this weekend. Rachael
Is this considered going back into the Rabbit hole? Since we had our talk a few nights ago, h has been talking to me. Texting from work a bit but he is back to not being affectionate and no intimacy.
I still struggle with the fact that he lied and got mad at me. It bugs me but I am not bringing it up with him. I'm not initiating any affection or asking to ML. I am talking to him and being nice. It will just be us at the cottage this weekend because the kids can't go due to plans and work and he did want to go. So should I let him lead in the affection area and just wait for him to reach out to me?
Is this considered going back into the Rabbit hole? Since we had our talk a few nights ago, h has been talking to me. Texting from work a bit but he is back to not being affectionate and no intimacy.
I don't think so (gone back down the rabbit hole), maybe just processing feelings that he isn't used to dealing with. H is a smart, logical guy, right? So he knows what he was doing, he knows that HE broke trust and your looking over his shoulder is a result of that. He may be projecting his discomfort with himself at you a bit, and/or just lying low and letting things pass, maybe he thinks you are mad at him or he is not comfortable because he made a mistake...who knows, really. I think that if he were sliding back into the hole he would NOT communicate at all. This is just my opinion based on the similarities I share with your H (logical, science, left-brain oriented)...you know H best.
I know its hard, but try not to let the ebb and flow of reconnecting bother you so much, I know you want things all better now, and consistently better, as do I in my sitch...but this process is going to have its fluctuations...patience and try not to mind-read so much (yes, I have to do the same myself). Also, please don't forget that you broke trust with him and the "marital agreement" when you threatened to leave after kids done with school...we LBS have things we contributed to the breakdown as well. Forbearance and forgiveness.
As for the cottage, I would let H lead, but if you see a time when H is relaxed and seems to be open, then maybe a gentle hint...see if he takes it...I am sure you have a "signal" of some sort that H knows, without any doubts, that you are receptive. Try it, see what happens, WITH NO EXPECTATIONS, at all, and if he doesnt bite, let it go, be happy, fun and show him the new you.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Ya know Rachael, I am really staring to think that maybe having low-to-no expectations is the way to calm relationships with everyone and inner peace...which doesn't mean that I wouldn't want or hope for things from people, but that it would no longer disappoint me too much and keep anger, frustration and resentment at minimal levels in my life...a theory in progress...
Have, no, MAKE a great weekend for yourself!!!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Dear Tsquared The Weekend was not bad all in all. we went out to dinner at a local bar for pizza and aside from him looking at the big screen tv alot, we had a good conversation. He said he got a memo from work that layoffs may be coming in nov. He said he didn't care he is sick of the crap at work. I decided not to make any overtures as far as affection. I was depressed off and on. mainly due to his lying last week, not so much his curiosity about the ow's address. I also had this feeling of walking on egg shells at times and waiting for the other shoe to drop like he is trying as far as conversation buteling for me isn't there.
I mentioned that the kids texted me several times and he said "is that normal?" Well the girls had some aches and pains they wanted to ask me about and so I was answering. But he would ask me a question about them and I told them he should contact them but he doesn't. I know he is depressed. He said the next day sort of out of the blue "somthing happens when I get in the car and drive home from work. I become stupid. Everyone treats me like i'm an idiot." I said who? "The Kids". Well, I told him that's partly because of their age. What I didn't say is that he doesn't engage them much. When they talk sometimes he is preoccuppied. They don't feel he cares about what they think. I have told him this in the past and I'm not telling him again because he will feel it is an attack.
He got a little mad at me for insignificant things a couple times. But on the way home we were taking him mom out to dinner and we had the dog with us. He wanted to leave the dog in the car with the windows cracked and it was about 78 degrees out. I told him I was worried it would get too hot and he told me it would be fine but because I pressed it he got mad and said I was calling him stupid. He knew more about thermodynamics and I could go to school and learn it. Well my daughter put the dog in her car with air conditioning til we finished dinner. Then I got yelled at later regarding a tool he couldn't find because my daughters boyfriend was helping me in the laundry room with many tools and I put them all back but now he's gonna lock up the tools.
So through all this I maintained my calm. I was trying to be cheerful and I listened. All while feeling bad. This morning I gave him a hug and I will be starting IC on thurs to deal with my depression.
