Ok...if we had do-overs, and could say something different, I think when my H said, "We have a nice new house and plenty of money, why can't we be happy" I think I might have said: well, I be truly happy in this home WE built, I think I need to feel valued by you. I need to feel that if I ask for a hug, you will give it to me because it feels good --to both of us-- to hug someone you care about. The house and the money are nice, but to me the most important thing is our family and our supporting and loving each other and I DON"T FEEL as much of that coming from you as I need.
But HEY, if our guys were healthy, I don't think we'd need to say these things, and if we had said them, I kinda wonder if they wouldn't have been turned around on us anyway.
When my H said: quit trying to be my mother, I wish I had retorted 'then QUIT treating me like your mother!' I think that a mother's love is the closest thing to unconditional love (outside of Mother Teresa, saints, Budda, Jesus etc)as you can get. I don't think partner love is meant to be unconditional...I think there is more reciprocity involved for it to remain healthy. I realize that my H was speaking about control issues, and actually for him it was the abandonment issue of his birth mother and I'm not sure about his adoptive mother whom I only met after she was diagnosed with Alzheimers...I think she may have been old Southern P/A with his difficult, angry, grudge holding dad...but I'm not sure. maybe he was just angry that she contracted Alzheimers and he 'lost' her too. It is funnny that he came back into my life just a little while after that Alheimer's diagnosis. If all this P/A and crazy making is a result of abandonment/rejection issues in all of us...it makes me sad. Why can't we all grow up and just frigging enjoy this life ?
If anyone figures it all out , would ya let me know?
