Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Hiya Kat Thanks for stopping in! I'm sorry this is going to be huge - I should've come by earlier, but I was afraid my new changes were not going to last, and here we are!

I've left go of any expectations. Altogether. It feels so... zen. No longer anxious, no weight on my shoulders. Just calm. I can't really explain how that happened and it's relatively new (since my last post 08/03). I guess it's acceptance of 'this is my life RIGHT now. IT may not be my life in 3 years, much less 3 days - but RIGHT now - here I am' and I think that this has been one of the best experiences of my life (as crazy and messed up as that sounds giving all the drama before.) It boils down to 'I live' (not 'I survive'. I live) and NOW how do I want to live?

My house is still up for sale, had 20 people come by - but only 1 offer that I think they were not serious on (hadn't heard back from them in 2 weeks). So - still sitting here. I can't drop the house price anymore, so I'm looking at continuing to pay the mortgage myself (69% of my take home income, which is not what I want), saving the $ away without paying the mortgage (and if a buyer comes through, then catch the loan up) to get it in a short sale situation. I am not going to rent this house and have tenant issues. H will not be returning here - he has made it very clear. I don't feel like holding on 'hope' out of sacrificing the future for my son and I. I'm not rushing this housing decision (I would have 6 months before a foreclosure at least, 3 months before the bank will even discuss short sale with me), but I am looking at trying to put MY financial future in line. A lot can happen between now and then. Or not. Either way.

It's been 6 months since H dropped his bomb on me. 3 since he moved out. Life on his end: status unknown. My end?: Well, I've stopped any 'drive-by follow ups' (aka spying!), calling, and I've stopped texting all together, I actually don't even answer the phone when he does call now (it's always for S and if I did answer on a day like today - he was in a meeting that he hates and I do not need to receive the brunt of *that* mid-month pattern as evident in my sig!). H still comes over in the mornings, and on the weekends - then goes to his apartment at nights. Whenever I do think of H, it's just a passing thought of how he sounds miserable on the phone at work, and how every night - I am home with S, and he CHOOSES not to be and he sits in his furniture-less place, sleeping on the floor. (But hey, at least it's just 10 minutes away from his work!) I just repeat his words now: "It is what it is" (he was reconciling his own behavior to have no consequences). That just isn't MY life.

Let's see - I stopped asking questions (do you love me, do you want to move back home etc...) Not initiating sex, kisses, hugs. I actually don't even hardly initiate conversation anymore - he does now.

I do make it a point to:
-- be less stressed (with him or without him present)
-- to not be on the computer, distracted.
-- keep my house clean (this is for my benefit)
-- be pleasant to be around, funny, laughing, nice AND then make a excuse to leave the room
-- THE hardest thing I had to do this week was to not invite or push myself on his plans. He took S on their first ever camping trip. I just kept all those fear-based and jealous thoughts down. Worked out for all of us. They had fun, I had a mini-vacation where I could lounge around and do whatever I wanted for the 2 days. AND it was a big 180 accomplishment for me.


Things I've noticed (neither good nor bad, just observations):
-- The mood in the house is definitely different. Lighter for me.
-- I mentioned a month ago that he was on the computer distracted all the time. He stopped that this last week and had brought up that change with a smile.
-- He's been checking in with me on the weekends about his business plans. I just say "Oh that sounds great, have fun." 2 weeks ago he was telling me what he does isn't my concern. Now he is sharing. Maybe a courtesy thing. Doesn't matter - just different.
-- I stopped fighting. I've contemplated the phrase 'drop the rope'. I don't even want to touch the rope now. Part of my 'zen' moment was that I realized I didn't want to be bitter, uptight, stressed and frankly, any conversation while gripping that rope was me being all of those things.
-- He made a future plan *GASP!* with me (without me initiating it).
-- Got a 'pat' on the head the other day as he left the house... yeah..like a dog, lol. Was more affection then he's shown in 6 months and I did not initiate contact (was just sitting minding my own business, reading).
-- Been really enjoying my time with S. Just he and I - no thoughts at all of H or trying to involve H in the day.

So long of the short - yes, I am focusing on me and my S. He starts school this year, so it's a exciting time for us. I just got him enrolled, and now the fun of school shopping will begin! I'm starting to actually see my life as MY life - not one that I need to have attached to someone else. It's all so.... odd!