Fish are friends. Not food.

[Lyrael]

I know it's kind of a cheesy link, but i think it gives a general idea - if anyone finds better...

[Underdog]

Yes, Myrrh. It is definitely an addiction. It starts out as a means to get something that we need: in my case, starting fires so I could put them out earned me big words of affirmation by my parents (though they couldn't see me setting up the problem).

My sister went on her path to fill her time since she was not likely to get quality time from my folks--what better way to get that than to fill your schedule with unnecessary time killers?

At some point, we no longer need to do these things to get attention or quality time (or whatever our LL is), but it has become an automatic response.

You can go back to my previous thread here in piecing and I've listed a few of my more entertaining moments in crazymaking as examples.

So please feel free to hop on this wagon and see if something fits in your case. I'm a living example of what not to do, I'm afraid. But I'm living proof that you can teach an old shark new tricks!

Betsey

[gd1]

Ok...if we had do-overs, and could say something different, I think when my H said, "We have a nice new house and plenty of money, why can't we be happy" I think I might have said: well, I be truly happy in this home WE built, I think I need to feel valued by you. I need to feel that if I ask for a hug, you will give it to me because it feels good --to both of us-- to hug someone you care about. The house and the money are nice, but to me the most important thing is our family and our supporting and loving each other and I DON"T FEEL as much of that coming from you as I need.

But HEY, if our guys were healthy, I don't think we'd need to say these things, and if we had said them, I kinda wonder if they wouldn't have been turned around on us anyway.

When my H said: quit trying to be my mother, I wish I had retorted 'then QUIT treating me like your mother!' I think that a mother's love is the closest thing to unconditional love (outside of Mother Teresa, saints, Budda, Jesus etc)as you can get. I don't think partner love is meant to be unconditional...I think there is more reciprocity involved for it to remain healthy. I realize that my H was speaking about control issues, and actually for him it was the abandonment issue of his birth mother and I'm not sure about his adoptive mother whom I only met after she was diagnosed with Alzheimers...I think she may have been old Southern P/A with his difficult, angry, grudge holding dad...but I'm not sure. maybe he was just angry that she contracted Alzheimers and he 'lost' her too. It is funnny that he came back into my life just a little while after that Alheimer's diagnosis. If all this P/A and crazy making is a result of abandonment/rejection issues in all of us...it makes me sad. Why can't we all grow up and just frigging enjoy this life ?

If anyone figures it all out , would ya let me know?

[Underdog]

Uh, Linda, don't think we're going to find any answers here tonight either. Wish I could prove all our theorems and bottle them up to help others, but if only life worked that way.

Being a Monday morning quarterback can only help to a certain extent.

Sleep easy, girlfriend--because you know that you did everything in your power to change the outcome. For that, there HAS to be some big old blue ribbon that we can award you, don't you think?

Time to go home and tend to the sick. I'm booting out the needy one when I get there...

TTFN,

Betsey

[honeypot]

Betsey,
Would you just write the book already?!


I have been trying to explain to my sister in law (a professional crazymaker) but I do not do it justice. So get crackin on the book before somebody steals your and cycler's great ideas.

Cheers!
HP

[Underdog]

Honey,

I will, I will! But I have another manuscript sitting here waiting to be published...

I've been racking my brain to think of the next book's topic--started to write one on marital issues, but it just didn't seem to come together. Could it be I was just too busy living the disaster?

Oddly enough, I got a divine message last year that indicated my present manuscript would not get published until I committed to starting the next one. UGH! So now you've given me the green light to do this.

However, I doubt I'm hardly the expert on the subject... having some experience being an idiot can't give me total credibility, you know? But we'll see how this develops...

Thanks for the nudge...

Betsey

[Lyrael]

Betsey -
If wisdom and courage qualifies someone to write a publishable book, then I expect to see yours in the bookstore in the next few months I think a book on crazymaking (especially one written by someone who has perhaps experienced it firsthand) is a fantastic idea - I'd buy it and read it.
Go for it!!!
Myrrh

[Underdog]

Gosh, Myrrh. Since you put it that way, I'll have to formulate some thoughts and a book outline.

That's how they start for me. Uh, but how about giving me a few years before expecting to see it at B&N? I'm pretty good with words, but not Underdog, really!

Thanks!

Betsey

[Lyrael]

Okay, well, maybe a couple years.
I just know that in very few words, you've communicated some really profound thoughts (and btw - did you see my good sign on my thread? )
Myrrh

[Underdog]

I commented at your place. Good news.

Uh, I'm rarely at a loss for words, so writing is my medium of choice. I think I could actually speak better if I had a keyboard in front of me. One of these days, it will be an acceptable alternative to a necklace!

Now JJ, would you please kill this thread?