i've had a pretty lucrative day designing today and came up w/ 3 really sweet designs, that made me feel so much more confident about what i am getting into here.
on the H front - couple more interactions - he stopped by to pick up some stuff, parked himself in a chair on the deck and we chatted for over 20 mins - he told me of some shows that were coming up for him (well after i teased him that was he going to keep that kind of stuff from me now or what)
he's "very stressed out" - has to start teaching next monday and isn't ready, and has 4 shows he has to drive the work to by friday, and i think he has a ton of meetings this week.
i offered to help if he needed it - in a very friendly relaxed way and he said he wished i could but they were all things he had to be at himself. then he said i wish i could hang out and chat but i have to be at school in 15 mins and left.
then tonight - calls at 9.30 and leaves a message asking if he can bring the stuff back here!!!!!
i thought of you KD
last time that happened, we did you know what!!
but very luckily for me, i was sitting out on the deck and missed the call !!
i did call him back but unfortunately (oh, too bad, evil grin!!) he was almost back at in-laws and it would have been too obvious for him to come all the way back here, right?? but he was awful friendly, and kept me on the phone about this and that and then when i heard s's voice in the background said- oh i want to say hi to s and ended it first.
so , an apology and 3 very friendly interactions in one day - and all the while, i'm just calm and cool and my voice is almost lazy and very relaxed talking to him - as in - oh i can take this or leave it, it's not of much importance to me
such a CONTRAST from before when i would be weighing in on every word he or i uttered.i would be waiting for chances to interact with him. such a relief!!!
oh and during this last conversation he brought up that friend who he had gotten all fired up about a couple of months ago and asked me what ever had happened with that and did i manage to resolve it. we talked about it for quite a while (she's the "common enemy" that he has to protect our family from - and i'm going alongwith it - giving him an opportunity to "feel" that family feeling and be protective of all three of us as a unit ;)) i told him how i had dealt with it - very calmly and really well and he actually asked me "so you didn't tell her to go f off and give it to her straight?"
for a minute there i had no idea what he was talking about - it has been so long since i would even consider that, that i don't even see myself as being capable of it any longer, let alone associate it with myself. i just said really casually - oh gosh, no - it;s been a long long time since i felt the need to use anger to get my meaning across"
i think he was testing me. and i know i passed!! hee hee!!
i read something about what it means to be confident today and it helped me to redefine what i am working towards. one of the aspects is that you can make decisions and be okay with them. I'm starting to see how that might feel
and those goals and making the list and working towards them - very very cool when you really put your mind to it. i've gone from thought-stopping successfully about 20% all the way up to 80% - and i think that's why i am feeling so much better
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
!!