Meredith and I found the book helpful because it pointed things out that were not clear before. But oddly enough, the book's small title line is something about fixing the R. Neither of us found that fix in the book, which had us both perplexed and miffed.
As far as your H goes, his PA tendencies might have been secondary to his attachment issues. I'm not sure if the author had commented on this, but the PA people I see have underlying issues that trigger this tendency and the timing in which it manifests itself.
For example, in MC this past summer (yes, we did do a stint there), we discovered that Mr. Wonderful is really acting out his PA issues and anger toward his mother. Over time, I had taken on some of those motherly characteristics and he finally lumped me in with the enemy.
Our MC told me blankly that in order to shut down this pathway, I needed to stop any and all behaviors that were motherly. It led to a book recommendation that had me flipping my lid, but it served a purpose. I can thank that author for my inane reply to questions that I have no business answering: I don't know. What do you think?
It gives him the chance to make a decision and then take ownership of it. The deal is that I have to bow out of decisions that are not mine to make, so he makes them and can't blame me for controlling him, etc.
Does this make sense?
We really have come a long way.
I'm going to take a stab at your observation that your H believed that people in love never disagree. That's also something that Meredith and I have logged during our time here. The fact that we disagreed was bad enough, but how we disagreed pushed that fish right over the edge.
After some time dealing with this type of behavior, they decided that ALL confrontation was bad. It meant that they needed to avoid it at all cost, go along with what other people thought or decided and then live with the decision... ultimately backfiring because they were building up anger and resentment for allowing a "control freak" to call all the shots.
It totally sucks, I know. My H has some real unresolved issues with his mother... I think Meredith's does too. You mentioned to me a couple months ago that your H has an attachment dysfunction. I think they have much in common, and none of it emotionally healthy.
God, big hugs to you both.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
