I can say that I had a fairly good weekend, with only a few relapses. I think that I managed that detachment thing quite well and it seems to be doing us some good.
W has been around quite a bit to spend time with D8 and although she has been late here and there and even didn't show once when she told D8 she would, I didn't make anything of it and just kept D8 busy until W got here. When W got here, I didn't actually judge her or criticize her, I was just very pleasant and gave her space to be with D8.
Our conversations have been on the nice friendly side as well and today, she even offered to come and see a few houses with me. We were out with the car as a family for a few hours, stopped at a park (where I had fun playing with D8) and did a bit of groceries together, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.
This evening, W asked about my meditation classes (D8 has been talking a lot about it and the fact that I go every day, because she's noticed the changes in me). W wanted to know where I went so I gave her the leaflet and told her as little as possible. The main thing I said is that it was one-on-one and that it was free.
Will she go? Who knows? She sure seemed intrigued and curious about it and I'm sure she's noticing the results as well. Does it matter? I suppose it does but strangely enough, where I'm at now, i don't really care and most importantly, I don't want to read anything into it. I'm choosing to get off her roller coaster and not to be affected by her twists and ups and downs.
So far so good,
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene: Just getting caught up and I think its awesome that you've started meditation and remain so calm during this. I wouldnt beat myself up too much if I were you over the whole converstaion about D8 seeing OM...you stood up for yourself, maybe not perfectly, but Im pretty sure you handled that better than most would have been able to.
I also think in reading about how she talked to you during that time that she's looking for you to bail her out by fighting back about the divorce. She keeps throwing it up at you and you refuse to take the bait....she's looking for a fight over it and you simply tell her calmly that you dont want a divorce and all of the reasons why and then let her stew in it. Thats is completely awesome if you ask me.....mine hasn't mentioned D yet but when and if she does im going to hope that I can handle it in such a calm and dignified manner.
I think this more than anything is probably throwing her for a real loop and if she really wanted one she would quit threatening and go do it. As it stands she wants you to fight with her about it so she'll feel better about doing it And the thing with the OM is crap....but it will be over in a matter of months if it lasts that long.
Keep your head up....your handling things in an incredibly dignified way and should be proud of the example your being for your D8
Funny how we seem to be cheering each other up. Thanks mate. I feel better now.
I was coming here to say how I'm probably not as detached as I thought since W can still do and say things which will affect me.
Today, W got here in the afternoon and the first thing that affected me was the fact that she had apparently gotten a lift here(I imagine from OM). Nonetheless, we spent the day together with D8, driving around on the motorbike looking for houses. W kind of suggested it and off we went. We actually had a good time as a family and the mood was light. We eventually found a house and it felt really weird as I felt like W was actually excited about it. Of course, as it probably helps for us to look married to rent the house in this country, we kind of behaved "as if" and I guess I started thinking that maybe she was reconsidering things and thought that this might be a good home for "us" whenever she feels ready (yeah, I know. I feel like a total idiot now). Mind you, other than being in a reasonably happy mood, I didn't express or hint at any of this.
We got back to my boarding house and then I sensed that W wanted to talk but we were never able to get away from D8 so nothing was said in the end and the mood between us became a bit awkward (I really need to look up these convo starters). Another thing which affected me is that she spent a lot of time on her cell phone receiving loads of text messages. I know that they could be from anyone but again, I let myself dragged down over that (I guess I need to get back to my meditation). Mind you, a happy thought was that if it was OM, W is on a very short leach, and that might be good for my sitch (a guy's got to have dreams).
Finally, D8 was very moody (she usually is when W is around) and when I put her to bed, (W was washing her clothes and I was alone with D8)she started crying and telling me how she missed her mom. W eventually came in the room and saw that so she came closer and cuddled and talked to D8 until she fell asleep. She then expressed that both D8 and W needed one another and that although she knew I was against D8 being bounced from one home to the next, she thought she should take D8 a few nights a week when she finds a suitable boarding house. I didn't say anything, either way. Then she said she thought I was afraid of what might happen to D8 if W took her once in a while. I said I wasn't and said that we'd think about it and see. Then I said I was tired and asked her to leave, perhaps a bit too hastily.
Of course I worry about what would happen to D8 if she were to spend a few nights a week at W's boarding house. This is no longer the tender loving person who used to be a member of our family. This woman thinks that it's ok for D8 to hang out with her mom's boyfriend, while dad is at home. She thinks it's ok to pick D8 form school with her boyfriend. She's replaced the love, care and attention she used to have for her D8 with toys and candies. She breaks her word (and D8's heart) every other day by not showing up when she said she would or by being late and when she is with D8, she either sleeps while D8 plays alone or puts her in a ride on her own at the local attraction park and sits at some food stall texting her friends (boyfriend?).
But what can I do about it? W told me not to worry, that D8 loved me to bits and that I would always be her favorite guy (to me that sounds like she's already planning to go meet OM with my D8).
I'm gutted. I guess I wasn't all that detached after all. Or is it just a relapse?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I guess that what I wanted to tell W is that what D8 misses, is not her mom but her family. D8 says she misses her but I know that what she really means is that she misses her as part of our family (she tells me everyday). Just going to W's room a few times a week isn't going to solve this. Of course, I can't say this because it would be pursuing, so I said nothing and showed her the door.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Let me get this straight. Your W initially said that she didn't want to to see her own D and now she's not only coming around, but now she's asking for D8 to stay over with her every now and then with an OM without being D?
Now is the time to draw the line. You are her father. You have a say in how she is raised. Not just your W. If you see something inappropriate, start putting your foot down. Find out what your legal rights are now before your W does.
The OM IS a scumbag who will tell your W whatever she wants to hear to get in her pants. That's why she's gravitating towards him. Of course you could play that game, but it's up to you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Let me get this straight. Your W initially said that she didn't want to to see her own D and now she's not only coming around, but now she's asking for D8 to stay over with her every now and then with an OM without being D?
W never said that she didn't want to see D8. She always left it up to me as to who D8 would be with. She always said that if I wanted to leave the country and have my freedom, she would take care of D8 but if I wanted D8 with me ( here or in my own country) it was Ok with her. W doesn't live with other man but in a "female only" boarding house.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Now is the time to draw the line. You are her father. You have a say in how she is raised. Not just your W. If you see something inappropriate, start putting your foot down. Find out what your legal rights are now before your W does.
As I said before, in this country, I have no legal rights. In the event of a Divorce, W automatically gets full custody, if she chooses.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
The OM IS a scumbag who will tell your W whatever she wants to hear to get in her pants. That's why she's gravitating towards him. Of course you could play that game, but it's up to you.
I don't disagree but I also believe that W is going through MLC and that she is not at all herself right now. I haven't yet read DR (I will pick it up at my friend's tomorrow as it just arrived today)and I don't want to make the situation worse at this point.
I feel like you see me as a doormat right now, and frankly, I also at times feel like one but I still believe that I can save this if I play my cards right. I believe DBing might work and that is why, until I have read the book, I need to keep things as good as possible and not push her further away. OM will eventually lose his attraction, I know he will and then, I might have a chance at getting things to move forward positively with W. But, as everyone says around here, I have to be patient, and I'm being patient.
D8 is now only with me because W "allows" it to be this way. I can't be making waves right now.
At this point, I'm convinced that if I gave W an ultimatum, she would file for divorce right away.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
She doesn't need to "demand" sole custody. The law gives it to her automatically. I think that she is already "in love" with OM (or in lust) and OM is already married so unless she agrees to become his second wife (which would surprise me). It's not going to happen this way.
"So what happens if you allow this to go on. Your W falls in love with the OM and then she demands sole custody of your D. Then what?"
What can I do? Really!!! What can I do???
I'm at wits' end MrBond. That's why I'm keeping the peace til I read DR. But if you think there is something else I can do in the meantime, I'm all ears.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
if she once said d8 can go w/you to your country (which I assume is the UK or USA?) then why not take her up on it NOW?
B/C you don't want to separate them? But they are separate NOW AND if it doesn't change soon
YOU will the one who is separated from d8 for good. If she goes off with OM in
some form, he'll see she misses her d and she'll want d8 w/her and OM will probably miss his kids so your d will be a nice substitute. Don't scoff, a lot of exes become "great" step parents as they forget their own kids.
Mostly I think it's shame with their former families and feeling like heroes with their new ones.
My mc spoke to me years ago about dating and the navigation of it with kids.
His advice struck me as very sound.
He said once you begin truly dating, you don't just introduce your kids to everyone you date. In fact, only if you find someone you are '3/4' of the way sure that something permanent could happen with the new person, THEN you introduce the kidsAND the kids have 'reasonable veto' power.
= If the OM/OW does not get along with the kids (and it's not b/c the kids still want an impossible reconciliation or a weird belief) but an actual conflict in personalities, the kids win."
This prevents the kids from meeting a parade of new people in their newly single parent's lives, auditioning for the role of stepchild OR stepparent.
It increases the child's belief that THEIR happiness is the priority of both their parents.
Nope, I don't think your wife will react well to that advice so STFU, but I'm passing it on to YOU in case it comes up for YOU.
Oh, And definitely stop the judging of their time together. It does NOT help your d to see that or feel it--it may well hurt her feelings and it smacks of the old Arsene you don't want to be. Besides, you think teaching her math is all that fun? Really?
You're putting yourself in the position of professor and she's student and that's that...my father thought that's what dads did...but he never PLAYED with us. Maybe your w is compensating AND besides, you don't know all the stuff they do or talk about b/c you are not there. Anyhow...
I'm very sorry about the custody problems there with the law. Seems you might want to act on your wife's good feelings/guilt, etc
while you can. Think about it.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
