Hi Meredith, I do give a fig (or fish) what you thought (if you were referring to me). I guess that for me reading the book opened my eyes to how a P/A relationship works...I'm afraid that I didn't get it, never got it and when I read the book I felt that at times I could be all 3 P/A partner types at times....but then, I think that perhaps, we are forced into being something because of the dynamic itself....I suppose that could be me trying to get out of responsibility for whatever I WAS but it just seems that there is no GOOD way to react to a P/A person. And yes, the author said: probably the best thing to do is to RUN and run fast (swim fast?) but if you are INTO the R, then you have to confront. That's when I said: yeah, right....because an experienced P/Aer can confound the best attempts to confront an issue. I think my worst problem was that I was naive...my X came across as the ultimate NICE GUY, very secure, very smart and 'happy'. And he CHOSE me..I surely didn't chase him. I accept and can see that he was afraid of being rejected...but I never rejected him! I am loyal to a fault,so I couldn't see that he would feel threatened by that. I always say he needed a 2 x 4 upside the head,but maybe I did too!
Anyway: I have a question. This may just be coincidental,but I'd appreciate any input: My H was a chronic withholder, very passively and never accountable for it. He withheld compliments, hugs, validation and valuing and finally sex. Ok...so about a year into our marriage, after the first disagreement (over something little like wallpaper? and not (to me) a big deal...he came up to me and said: well, is it over? and I said WHAT? and he said our marriage cause people in love NEVER disagree. NOw I thought how sweetly naive of him to think that I'd be so mad at him that I would leave( he never had an R before me)....but now I think I misinterpreted and that it was a P/A threat, a control issue. BUT my response was humor and playfulness: no honey, its ok to disagree. People in love can disagree about most anything,but then we make up and have mad passionate sex and everything is fine. No response from him. That was about 23 years ago.....do any of you think there is a link between that conversation and his withholding sex????Withholding the 'making up' so that there wouldn't be any 'disagreeing'?
Re the only mention in the book of dealing with P/A: the lie detector examinor, who is also a clinical pyschologist, said that the partner CANT be the one to do the holding of feet against the fire. In addition to their resenting us for that...their dissembling can make it impossible to 'catch them' no matter how sharky we think we are. His take was that it takes a 3rd party.....Anyway, the book just explained to me WHY a P/A person does what they do and a little of how they do what they do...neither of which I understood before.
I do understand the shark analogy...but I was never a shark in any other R , and by age 31, when we married, I had 7 other long term relationships. Never accused of being controlling (exasperating yes, controlling no) until this one. I think that we didn't start our R with a clean slate...I think my H had damage that wasn't visible on the surface and I wasn't smart enough to think there was anything murky in the waters underneath. Is there something in me that brought out his P/A fears? Maybe, but I am not sure what it was. Anyway, for me the jig is up, the fish has moved to another body of water. I wish I had a chance, knowing what I now know to try it again, but it isn't to be for me. Wishing you guys the best of luck! gd
