You don't need to tell your wife that you're seeking your own legal counsel. There's a reason they put that littel "v" between the names of the parties in these situations -- it is, by design, an adversarial (and confidential) system.
If she finds out, simply say "I decided that it was wise that I run whatever mediation agreement we end up with, past my own attorney before signing it" -- nothing more. Or maybe a "I decided that it would be wise to better understand my rights and responsibilities here; this is new territory for me, and certainly not anywhere I planned on being." Or something similar.
Considering what you're saying about your disparate financial capabilities, yes you need to protect yourself against your wife dragging this out. I've certaily seen it happen. But you don't need to let her threat of that stop you from getting some basic initial legal counsel, so you can start better understanding what your rights, responsibilities and potential vunlnerabilities are here.
Faith, you absolutely need to protect your rights. However, I would also remind you to remember what your focus is. I believe that you said that you don't want a divorce, so examine every action that you take from the perspective of does this advance or block my goal of having a good R with my wife. Definitely push for 7x7 but have a back up offer if that doesn't work. If she won't take 7x7 then offer her alternating 4x3. The number one thing that my attorney told me when I was first served is that that if reconciliation is really your goal then the last thing you want to do is "poison the well" by creating more contention in your R than already exists.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
I can certainly see your point, and that is why I haven't filed myself
I spoke with an attorney today, and he said if your kids and the time you spend with them is the most important thing. He advised me to file, so there is something enforceable in place. On the other hand I agree that the odds of reconciling diminishes significantly if I take that step. It's why I find myself here in limbo feeling somewhat helpless. I guess when push comes to shove I'm having a hard time figuring out what's better : ensuring equal time with my kids at the expense of saving my M, or sacrificing my time with my kids (for now) for a better chance at saving things.
Personally, if my own wife were an obstacle between me and spending time with my kids, I'd think I was married to the wrong person.
I'm skeptical of any family lat attorney that tells me to "make nice." I'd want to fight like hell to save my marriage and avoid using an atty at all, but then -- if I HAD to -- I would want the biggest baddest bulldog SOB in the county.
Your M as you know it is dead. She fired you from your job of being a husband. She is trying to diminish your role as a father. She is having an affair with another man.
She wishes you would move on not because she cares about you but because that would make her feel better about her own crap behaviour.
She finds you annoyingly unattractive because she does no longer respect you.
Give her what she wants. Let her go.
Don't become a doormat and let her walk over you, eating cake and dictating the terms.
Don't negotiate with a terrorist who blew up your family.
Lead.
Make a plan how YOU will live without her and don't dwell on how SHE is going to experience a life without you.
Get your ducks in a row. Make a plan how to move forward. What are your goals for financial, emotional, physical and spiritual health?
You need to lead with dignity and respect. That is not pussyfooting around the idea of possible reconciliation in the future. It is about what an attractive and confident Man does NOW. It's called "parallel paths".
Lead the way and your wife may follow. If not you will be light years ahead to find your future happiness. It's a win win situation.
Wishing that things will turn around is not a plan. Hope is not a plan. Doing nothing is prolonging limbo. Change the dynamic.
I have always wanted 7+7. I would accept alternating 4+3. My youngest is still nursing and very much dependent on W. I know that there are options (pumping, formula, etc). Even though I've seen the worst of her lately, she is and always has been a great mother.
I will be without a place to live come Sept 1. I have reserved a place beginning Oct 1. Until then my belongings will be stored and I will stay with friends. So custody becomes problematic for the month of Sept. The other issue I have is I am required to be on 24 hr call for my job 2-3 nights a week, it rotates, it varies, and there are emergency situations I get called in for even when not on call. I haven't figured out a schedule that gives me what I want (50//50), yet doesn't jeopardize my employment. There may be a solution, I just haven't been able to come up with one. Realistically, it would be very difficult for me to have my kids every other week, yet it's what I desire.
It would be great to think we could do a 7+7, and have W willing to swap days I have call, but I don't see a way to make it work without constant shuttling back and forth of the kids. Even I find that scenaro difficult to accept.
I'm not real sure what to do yet. I am gathering information, seeking advice, and praying about it. Ultimately, I want what's best for my children.
Also, decided to go dark after the events of last night. Not for DB purposes, but so I can focus on myself. I have received a lot of great advice, a ton of encouragement, many reality checks, and even some frightening conclusions of what my W may or may not be up to. (EA possible, PA maybe but really don't think so. The issue is her and I quite simply). I appreciate everyone reaching out to provide their wisdom, concerns, kicks in the a**, and sympathy. It is all very much needed right now and I'm grateful for it all, even if I don't want to hear or believe it. I need to hear it, and I'm blessed that people I don't even know would take the time out of their own lives and situations to help me out. I truly and sincerely appreciate it all.
I will however have to sit with her this week to discuss how to break the events to D8, who has been visiting my dad for the past two weeks. She was with MIL for two weeks prior and has no idea what has happened while she was away.
As painful as this all has been. I know the worst is yet to come in telling our very sensitive, very precocious, very intelligent little girl. Who happens to very much be "daddy's girl". I'm filled with anxiety over the thought. I'm heartbroken to be robbing her of her sense of innocence, security, and image of a loving family. I'm just plain horrified to see the reaction to the news. I do know that I want to be on the same page with W, but fear because we can't seem to talk about anything at all, that we will not be able to put up a united front.
