FYI.... if this can help you in anyway, about 10 years ago, I started searching for my Xboyfriend through classmates.com and I think i did a people search on him.
I had absolutely no intention of hooking up with him. But I was very curious about him. where he was, if he finally straightned up and flew right, or was still in the heaps of drug dealing and mooching off people. As it turned out I found out through friends of his I found on classmates, that he was not doing well, in and out of jail and just in a bad place.
He was my first love, and I was curious. I just was. But I never had any intention of leaving my husband and family for him.
My husband found the searches and he confronted me about it. He was awfully sad, but he felt better when I explained to him that I had no intention of ever hooking up with him, I was just curious. I was curious because before my husband came into the picture , XB was my first love.
So that could be what he was doing, was feeling curious.
Sounds like your H was feeling defensive because he got caught. I agree with T^2, be careful and be calm. However, and maybe people won't agree with me here, is I feel it's good to let it be known you're aware of what their doing. It could be a reminder of some priorities he needs to get in order. If the relationship is to be rebuilt, then it's important that you not bash him every chance you get. At the same time it's important he understand how the hurt and resentment will flare up with you at times too. It's a sticky wickett here I must say. You dont want to bash him, but at the same time your feelings are still raw and he needs to earn your trust back.
Please get into counseling if you can. Have you looked at marriagebuilders online? Wow that guy has many good articles about infidelity, and how it is for the spouse that strayed and the spouse that was betrayed. Once again, it all comes down to communication, listening and striving to understand.
So now what? Do I now let it go? I am angry because I feel that he is mooning over the ow since he saw her. Little affection, not seeming to want to have sex last week ,treating me rudely. Now this and lying on top of it. Do I detach now? I called the new therapist and left a message after i got out of work. Hopefully I will hear from him tomorrow and I can make an appointment. he said I am playing games but in fact it is him if you ask me.
You know, my husband never did give me a truly sincere apology. I mean with tears and regret. If he comes to his senses will I ever hear that from him? I wish that that dummy knew how badly he has hurt me and continues to hurt me sometimes. He aint in love with me, it's wha I hope for.
Kimmerz Maybe it's not that he is curious but that he was being secretive and I could tell by the was he kept looking to see where I was. He feigned interest in finding a restaraunt on this google earth and then started going right to the Ow's street. I was standing a short distance behind his chair in the living room and could see what he was doing. Also, that he is LYING. Lying about not knowing where she lives and persisting in that lie when he is caught. It is a matter of trust. Last week I knew something was wrong by the way he acted to me all week although he did do some nice things but the air was definetly chillier from him. He did tell me that he saw the OW but didn't talk. I think he is in love with her. He said so in his texts to her. It is painful to say it but I think its true. Last night I did not want to be in the same room with him. I did not go to bed with him as I have been for months, I stayed up late and when I did go to bed, slept as far away as possible from him. I don't think he slept well.
This morning I went to church and he asked if I was doing that and I just replied "yep". I am stinging from this. I don't want to talk to him right now.
I think what Kimmerz and I are trying to get across is that after an affair, there is a grieving process and time....maybe a different angle will help.
He is going through withdrawal.
The OW was a drug, say, like cocaine, made him feel good, exciting things, and altered his neuro-transmitters. The responses and effects are apparently VERY similar to drugs, btw. He has stopped doing the "affair drug" and is in withdrawal...he is looking up her address or whatever trying to get some sort of fix without actually doing the drug. Like a newly ex-smoker hanging around the smokers, breathing second-hand smoke, though not actually smoking. Hope that makes sense.
And "in-love" is just infatuation, not real, mature love, according to the volumes on "in-love" I read after BD.
As for hiding it, well, of course...he doesn't want to stir you up (W still is like this with me, btw) and is also maybe embarrassed or something, because he knows he shouldn't be doing it, that it is wrong. Especially if he is a logic oriented person, this would be troublesome to him, he thinks he should be able to conquer it without any problem, and it is troubling to him to not have "control" over himself, doesn't fit his self image, causing cognitive dissonance...trust me on this, it is my story with smoking and nicotine. Just smelling it still causes me discomfort, and wanting "that feeling" I thought smoking gave me, and can put me in a bad funk for awhile (though that response is diminishing as time goes by)...I hope this helps you see maybe what you are observing, differently...?
Would looking at this behavior as pangs of withdrawal help you see it in a different, more compassionate light? And that it is not necessarily a threat to you? It helps me, and W has had t least 3 OM's of some sort this time around, and 3 nasty periods of withdrawal from that excitement, and probably still having those pangs sometimes...
Time, give it time and patience.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Dear T squared I appreciate your advice. Yes, I was feeling very threatened by this. If I look at it from a withdrawal perspective, which I don't know a whole lot about, if that's what it is, then it does help. The lying blows the trust thing. I want to trust him.
I have made an appointment to speak with a coach from this site later today because I am depressed. Not crying though. That's a step up. How the heck do you handle this jazz with your W? I mean emotionally? I felt we were doing well then Bam! A setback over a period of a week. I guess I shouldn't expect an apology for the lying. Wondering how to act when he comes home. Haven't heard from him at all today.
If I look at it from a withdrawal perspective, which I don't know a whole lot about, if that's what it is, then it does help.
Most of us have some sort of "addiction", like chocolate, coffee, shopping, TV shows, etc...is there something you can think of, that if you have to quit doing it, would cause you discomfort and you would really miss, a lot? That you would pine for?
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The lying blows the trust thing. I want to trust him.
Yes, you can't fully trust him right now. You know that, but you will have to give him the benefit of the doubt at some point, and trust that he will TRY to do the right things...if you quiet your head and emotions, and listen to your inner self, and observe his body language, you will know when you can, and cannot trust him...trust yourself, and God. Eventually, you will have to give (trust), in order to get (trust). And it may be like a toddler learning to walk...lots of tries, fails on both sides. But the best chance of success is to roll with the learning process.
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I felt we were doing well then Bam! A setback over a period of a week.
Welcome to the jungle! I try to keep that toddler learning to walk metaphor in mind...
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Wondering how to act when he comes home. Haven't heard from him at all today.
Just be the new, wonderful Rachael that you are, who is happy with life, in spite of all that is going on...
Find something to be happy and excited about before H comes home...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
That's absolutely correct...follow his lead for a while. You have to learn to drop the rope a bit and not hold on too tightly or you may scare the mlcer away, just like a skittish colt.
Good luck!
BTW, you may want to think about a new thread title before Jack comes along and reminds you to start a new one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As a man, walking in the door coming home from work to a pleasant W (even before mlc) goes a heck of a lot farther depositing in the love bank than an unpleasant W...just sayin'.....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
