telling my story of the cuckoo

[professorfiancee]

Now, CLINICALLY speaking, as to the children/dogs-I have noticed something unusual. My female who is a rescue from a man who seriously abused her and made her dominant and aggressive to the point she was considered a candidate to be put down, suddenly has changed her tune about my x. She never really liked and trusted him before, even growled at him many times, and displayed dominance to him. However, during the time he was here, she slept each night by his side, would often rub her head against him, and follow him around. In fact she was very gentle to him at all times which is totally in contradiction to her usual personality. I have read that some dogs can sense/smell various illnesses and wonder if that is what is happening here. Has anyone else noticed dogs acting differently to the person in MLC? My other dogs also rescues from abusive situations ignored him basically.

[MrBond]

I think you're glossing over the part that everyone is saying and that you just need to distance yourself from him. Which also means mentally. I understand that you see him as a test subject, but it also seems like an obsession for you to dissect his actions.

No one knows what's going on except for him.

Just move on and get a happier life.

[kml]

Quote:
That I helped him write his books and articles even when it was detrimental to my work/health/education? That I was so supportive of his accomplishments/career that I understood when he did not come home when I had heart surgery? That I put up with his sister saying horrible things about me just to make his relationship with her easier? That I pray each day that God give me the pain that is too much for him to bear, and to please help him? You see the truth is that I love this man so very much and I am so scared for him, not for me. So sometimes I get frustrated/scared/angry when he seems just dead inside, when he speaks of crazy things and ending it all, about how he feels as though he is walking around in a fog, and does not care about anything, or see any point in continuing, when he just continuously tears me down with comments about my low IQ, my inability to think, my stupidity, my being old, my being weak, my being irresponsible, my having friends who are trash, my attracting men who are bas****s, my being a B, C**t, Wh**e, my not being a scholar of equal calibur, my being so weak I let others hurt me, my crying too easily, my being unhealthy and fat-at 135, my turning my back on him, my not being faithful to him etc.

Kml, those comments were made during the nuclear spewing and recur at random times when he thinks I am moving too far from him or I have caught him in a lie. Believe me if I thought he was well I would have torn his head off when he said those things, and he never did when he was well.

Really? So you helping him to the detriment of your health and career only happened during his brief episodes of craziness? Him not coming home to be with you while you had freakin' HEART SURGERY was only during a temporary moment of madness? Him tolerating his sister saying terrible things about you only happens when he's gone temporarily insane? He never calls you stupid fat or old when he's NOT crazy?

Look - we all know WASs can say and do crazy things. And your fiancee is WAY crazier than most. But it sure sounds to me like you are describing a pattern of codependent behavior with an emotionally abusive man. And since you were in a physically abusive relationship before, I'm worried that you're too codependent and/or blind to see it.

Really - the university wouldn't hire you because they feared a bloody act of domestic violence on their campus from him if they did - doesn't that tell you something???

Yes, he may be suffering from depression or brain damage or lord knows what else - but if he's not willing to get help, there's nothing you can do right now except GET YOURSELF to a safe place. Don't taunt him, provoke him, engage him in fights, try to make him jealous - none of that. He's dangerous.

[adinva]

I'm sorry to argue with you PF but if you redefine detached so that your obsessing over him and his facebook posts is just studying him clinically, you're seriously kidding yourself.

There is no reason why you need to study him, and plenty of reasons, which are being cited repeatedly by people here who've gone before you, to stop paying any attention at all to what he is doing.

For your own sake, you need to go cold turkey from this addiction to him that you have, and keep working on building your own life.

[25yearsmlc]

I agree with what everyone else here^^^ is saying to you.


Back off....and move on.

(And for the record, I RARELY say that here on this site. - But he's bad news and without going into my resume, trust me when I say,

I know bad news when I see it.)

Life is short. Go be happy.

[forward]

"...codependent behavior with an emotionally abusive man. And since you were in a physically abusive relationship before, I'm worried that you're too codependent and/or blind to see it."

Yes.

Now. If you are a serious professional, then you need to find subjects with whom you don't have an emotional attachment, right? Because it's not exactly a

Also, regarding his IQ--who cares. I am a lot less interested in smarts now than I am in emotional intelligence, stability, and kindness (although New Guy is smarter than X, grin). I kind of felt that way about X--he was sooo special and talented--and felt I was special and the one who understood him, and the one who'd help him out of his crisis, blah blah. I now realize that I was waaaay too involved, waaay too parental, kind of narcissistic about HIS accomplishments, and too much of a crutch for him.

Now PF, you have a consistent message from folks who've been here: back off. Stop obsessing. Stop reading his FB. Stop answering his calls. Enjoy what is the peaceful silence and get comfortable with it.

But, since we've been here and some of us are old timers, if we're totally honest, we know it's hard to do, and it takes a while to detach emotionally to someone who's been in your life for so many years. Even if they have gone nuts. You need to stay safe, period. So that's the priority. Now you need to make it your goal to stop obsessing about him, stop checking FB and answering his calls and making up excuses to "study" him.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some little daily rewards, like some sort of treat for every day you have true lack of contact--and that includes Facebook, missy (wagging finger).

It's OK to grieve. But let it be your private grief. Take care of yourself. You need it. More than HE does.

[professorfiancee]

So much has happened I hardly know where to begin. I have had extreme monster now for days. Yelling, pouting, nasty messages-really crazy stuff. He reverted back to the anger phase of May-when I told him I would not put up with the spewing, I am done, get out of my life, leave me alone etc. Wow, did a fight erupt. He called me all sorts of names again. I asked him to get help, told him he is having a midlife crisis and is out of control. He got very angry spewing crap from years ago at me, then mimicing me, then said I was the one who needed help. I stayed calm and just told him to get his things and get out of my life, that I was done with him, that I would no longer allow him to blow up my life or make me collateral damage. A week of yelling, accusations about me being unfaithful-the whole ridiculous gamut followed, and nasty posts ensued. I again told him to get his things and leave me alone. He responded with a slew of threats and then "unfriended" me. Hurray!!! No more crazy posts I thought. (Threats included suing me for the 12 year old bed, wanting the money for the house that he paid while living here, wanting his ring back, and getting custody of the dogs just to name a few.) One hour later people from around the world literally began sending me messages saying how sorry they were I was off my medication and being hospitalized for suicidal tendencies. WTF???? I finally got to the bottom of that-he posted some nonsense on FB saying how worried sick he is about me etc etc. I left him a message to take it down or I would file charges with the police and the school. He did take it down after the second threat. Then today he sent emails to our joint friends saying I was "mentally ill" and "would not accept the break up amicably."
"M has lost her mind; trying to threaten me, stealing my goods, such as the ring and my bed. She is literally taking out an order of protection against me!!! I cut all contacts with her but she claims I will not leave her alone. She owes me money and will not give the ring back to me. It is awful. Why can people not part amicably? I am happy never to contact her again in any way." (Sure but then why not stop-nothing is ever this a$$es fault-such a sick man.)
Also that he is delirously happy and in love and the only problems in his life all come from me. Sure-what does "Leave me alone and get out of my life mean?" Also a message to me saying I had "killed all his feelings." So another round of friends calling and emailing. I had had enough. I know he is under stress and in his little sick pea brain he blames me that he has to go back to the job he hates, his little girlfriend is in Arizona at college supposedly, he is having all sorts of issues closing on the house with problems with financing and insurance, he did not get to visit here again before leaving, he went back there to find that his landlord had been staying in his apartment, moved out the refrig and stove, and his mommy and sister have been feeding his "poor me" delusions, but this is ridiculous. So I NUKED him. I notified the insurance company I wanted him off my policies as he does not live here and I was afraid he would do something crazy (since he is driving erratically and not wearing his glasses)that I did not want to be financially responsible for. I notified the Secretary of State police that he was trying to renew his license and license plates in my name and address after I asked him to change those to his new house in Missouri and had not lived here in 5 years full-time. I filed a criminal complaint against him for threatening to kill me and for stealing a rifle from me and asked for an order of protection. I also called his dean on reccommendation of the police as they will have to extradite him from the school in Missouri and I do not have his new address. I told the dean everything-him screwing the student, the threats, his nasty posts, his inappropriate behavior on FB with students, his jokes and comments about gay people and his own sex life-his size etc., his plans to quit the job, his threats to military servicemen, everything. Then I told the dean I would file suit against the nut and the school as he is using the schools computer and internet service to make the threats and slanderous comments, and that WHEN he goes nuts and hurts someone I will stand on TV and tell everyone that the school was warned that he had mental problems and did nothing about it thereby leaving them open to legal problems. The dean assured me he will investigate. God I hope Nut gets some help, but I have done all I could to get him some help, and to protect myself and innocent bystanders by warning the school. I AM DONE. HE IS NUKED. Best to you all. Honestly I never wanted to hurt him and only hope that he gets some help, so now I have some guilt for hurting him. But I know there is nothing else I could have done to help him and I did warn him to leave me alone or I would do this. Now to resume my life in full. I never will understand how it went from him loving me so dearly to this nightmare and I just want out. I think the nightmare is over though. But one part of me is still scared since he is still free.

[MrBond]

Wow. Good for you. But did you put out a restraining order against him? Do you plan to press charges?

[professorfiancee]

Yes to both questions. He will be served with that in the next few days-jurisdictional delays. I am done with this craziness. My mother suggested that someone should warn the parents of the little girl. He currently has 8 charges pending against him in this state with more to follow I am sure. Does anyone think I or perhaps the police should notify her parents? She does have a history of mental problems herself and is very young and naive.
But she is "very much in love" with him-and in fact just posted a message announcing to the world that he "gives her the kind of feeling people write novels about."

[MrBond]

Yes you should let her know, especially since he is in possession of firearms.