Hi Betsey, Sorry about the turn of events, but I agree, it could be nothing but his feeling he needed MORE space.
Have you read the book Living with the P/A man? I understand that your 'crazy making' could also be considered P/A behavior...my guess is that we all have some P/A characterisitics. BUT a P/A man is so afraid of NEEDING his partner that he creates (crazy making) scenarios that justify his fear of vulnerability....So YOU become the controller, the disloyal one, the crazy maker and then his fears of being abandonned are justified . Catch 22: you ask him to come home and you are a shark. You don't ask him and he says you don't want him.
Of course not only can he not NEED you, but the P/A man is also afraid of you needing him.
What is so screwed up is the premise IMHO: there is nothing wrong with NEEDING (different from being needy). Mutual interdependence feels good. I can understand why someone feels afraid of being vulnerable; I think we all have some fear of being rejected. But to sabatage a marriage because of an UNFOUNDED fear is a sickness...and I'm afraid that the therapist's answer to the P/A problem, to hold his feet against the fire is nearly impossible to do...these are slippery little fish!
I don't know your H, Bets, but somewhere you mentioned his P/A tendencies. My H was a real P/A person and I didn't understand that nor did I understand how to deal with it...so I became defensive and stopped trying to bring up issues cause they always got turned around anyway.
So, you've been working on changing you and your crazy making. Good girl...but is he ever going to work on changing his P/A coping mechanisms? I think that there needs to be a 3rd party intervention to 'hold his feet to the fire'. Is he willing to try any counseling?
My news: I got tired of being accused of horrible things and not responding. Maybe I am thin skinned, but being accused of crap so he can justify HIS actions is too hurtful to bear. So, monday I went to Denver and took a lie detector test. It was interesting. And yes, I passed with flying colors. Are you surprised to learn that I didnt' turn my crazy H into the govt for his jeopardizing our retirement plan, that I didn't cheat or betray him and that I most definitely did NOT try to poison him or hurt him physically or emotionally. Jeez. But I feel empowered by having taking this test, even tho he'll find some way to cast aspersions on the testing. I didn't do it to convince him...he is beyond hope. But I did do it in case my d had any doubts. I also feel that some of the final pieces of the puzzle of my marriage are settling into place. It has been a long journey. For me, I have always analyzed. I need to understand, as best as I can what HAPPENED, before I can let go. I think I do understand, at least the basic stuff now. And tho I still believe that I will never heal from the damage of 25 years of attempting to dig a hole in the sand while my H was frantically trying to fill it in, at least I understand more about the dynamic. Do I have crazy making tendencies? You bet. I actually think we all do. Well, gotta go walk on the treadmill. And write deposition questions. I'm just delaying. Hope the two bedroom apt is only a sign that he needs space. Or maybe his next P/A ploy in trying to get you to rescue him. I am sorry D9 is taking it so hard.(((((((D9))))).....P.S. I didn't see Nemo, so I am in the dark about sharks, tho I do know that that is how P/A people see their partners...as sharks. What I don't know is how to help them see us any other way, no matter what we do. I never realized that to my H, I was the ENEMY. So sad
